State primary to private secondary?

[studentvera]

My Year 5 child is in a state primary and wanting to go with all her friends to the feeder state secondary school.
We are wanting her to go to an independent when she leaves her primary but she is adamant she wants to go with her friends... I don't wish this to be a debate regarding state/private but was hoping someone might have been through similar and has some advice?

This isn't really a state/private issue but a "I want my child to go to a different school to the one they want to go to" issue.

Has she seen the schools? You may find that changes her mind. Have you emphasised to her the reasons why you think the independent school will suit her better?

Thank you for your reply. Yes I guess she just wants to stick with her friends and don't listen to why the private school is so much more suited to her

I think it really depends on the child and what actual benefits you think they will gain from going private. I had the option to go to a private school when I was a child, but didn't want to leave my friends. I thoroughly enjoyed state secondary and have no regrets about my choice.

In contrast my son actively wanted to goto private school, despite none of his friends from primary going there. He's in year 8 now and appears to enjoy it.

I would listen to your daughter and unless there is a hugely compelling reason to send her to a private school, send her where she will be most comfortable.

Thank you for your reply. It's hard. How does a ten year old really know what suits them best?!

Unless there is a well being or health reason for sending her to a separate school I'd absolutely give this more consideration. Yes, she will make friends in private new school but this won't be anything like the bonds she'd be giving up. There are quite a few private schools where I live and the pressure to keep up with peers is massive, expensive holiday, horses, etc. Unless you can afford all that I'd let her grow with her friends where she already fits in. If there are lots of social problems in the state secondary then move her it's not worth it.

What can you do to help her to see the benefits of the independent school? Has she looked round? Do you know anyone with a child at the independent school that you could meet up with, so she can talk to that person about how great the school is? Can you compare the subjects offered at each school, and the extra-curricular opportunities? Is there someone else that she can trust, that might be willing to chat to her about the pros and cons of each option?

I have a couple of examples that are not quite the same (I have no experience of independent schools), but here goes…

A friend’s DD took the 11 plus and with little preparation got a good score that should get her a place in the local girls’ state grammar school, but she is a quiet type, and expressed a preference for her local (decent) comprehensive as most of her friends will be going there. Her mum, unsure what to do for the best, had a chat with her teacher, who also felt that a girls’ grammar would suit this child much better. He had a gentle chat with the girl about the differences between the ethos, intake and priorities of the two schools, and shared his view that a child with her personality and ability is likely to fit in better at the single sex grammar. Although she is still a little anxious about it, she is happier because she has heard it from her teacher as well, so she agreed to put the grammar as her first choice.

My brother is seven years younger than me. He recently told me that a key moment in his life was when the whole family came to drop me off at university. He saw it, thought ‘I want this’ and decided to work really hard at school. It really paid off for him - he did the best out of all of us.

I think that, if you really feel that the independent secondary school is the best option for your DD and for your family, you have time to help her to see the benefits to this opportunity, and also to reassure her that you will support her to maintain existing friendships as far as possible.

Ultimately though, she’s a child and you’re the parents, so it’s your decision.

I let my children chose their secondary schools and it worked out just fine. One chose to go to grammar with his friends, the other went to an independent as she liked it more than the all girls grammar. Both are thriving.
Why not go and have a look at the independent and state options so she can see for herself? One step at a time. My children needed to go through the process to work out the best fit for themselves. I think at this point you can just need to get her to look around and consider options.

Also if the independent has an interview process and she isn’t keen they will pick up on this. It happened with my DS and one school which I thought he would love but he hated it and told the master as much…

I think parents have to make the judgement about what is best for your children. Sometimes we get that wrong of course. But we are more likely to be right than a 10 year old.

We were in this position with my elder daughter, who was very keen to go to the local comprehensive with her primary school friends. We were very anxious for her not to do that because of its reputation for low academic achievement, poor behaviour and bullying. My daughter was very bright, quiet and shy and I couldn't see her thriving there at all.

We went to look at a number of other options and fortunately she liked our first choice, which was an academically selective independent girls school.

She was the only girl who went there from her primary school but fortunately she did know a couple of others in her year because of extra curricular activities. In any event the new school was very used to dealing with children who didn't know anyone else, and did a really good job in terms of induction and settling in. She was there 7 years and very happy.

We didn't have the same issues with the younger daughter as she wanted to join her sister and didn't mind leaving her friends (again she was the only one from her primary school who went there).

Most DC change friendship groups when they move to secondary. So I wouldnt be deciding schools based on a 10yr olds current friendships. My 3 older DC went private from state in secondary, all have strong friendship groups. My eldest is now an adult and his closest friends are those he met in yr 7. My Dc new were going to start epxloring private options, visited the schools and interestingly my DD befriended a girl during one of the visits and is still her friend now. You need to advise your DC that your not basing secondary school choices on where are friends are going. Start that dialogue early so she gets prepared.

I think a 10 year old needs their parents to make this decision - you can take into account their views, but ultimately it's your decision. We had 24 hours of howling when we told DD our decision, and since then she hasn't looked back - and says we made the right one (which incidentally is exactly what happened to me too!) Good luck - it's hard!

Instead of making it feel like a choice between the two schools, is it possible for your DD to visit other possibilities or at least look at their websites? If there's a school that offers clubs she's interested in, residential trips etc. she may find it easier to grasp that transferring with her Y5 friends may not be the only thing that matters to her. Neither of my DC went to a secondary that others from their primary went to and it's not been an issue friendship-wise. A lot of primary school friendships are based on proximity and/or parental friendship so going to secondary opens up a new pool of friendship opportunities. Very many children who transfer to Y7 with their primary friends will find themselves forming an entirely different friendship group within weeks, if not days.

I would encourage your DD to think about the ingredients of her ideal school (beyond specific children being there) and help her to find some schools that offer as many of those as possible. At the same time, model the ways you keep in touch with friends you don't see every day so she can see that it's possible to maintain true friendships without daily contact.

Honestly, the children your DD is friends with now almost certainly won’t be the same friends she will have in Y8 if she goes to the same school as them. Friendships go through huge periods of change at secondary school and it for me it should be at the bottom of the list for a reason why your daughter goes to a certain school. It’s about choosing the school that best fits your daughters NEEDS.

It’s important your DD feels like she is listened to though and that you help her to come round to the same thinking as you. Sit around the table together and make a list of pros and cons for each. Distance / travel, friends, subjects she likes, extra curricular activities, food, facilities, results, trips etc. Make sure you include some negatives for the independent too.

When it’s written down in black and white it becomes easier to “see” and outweighs the fear of the unknown. Ultimately though your 10 year old shouldn’t be the one making the decision. If my parents listened to me then I would have been at stage school at that age. Funnily enough I went and studied science at university and never set foot on a stage after the age of 15.

Thank you so so much everyone. Really helpful hearing your insights plus have really taken onboard tips etc

We did this, DD was keen to go to the Private school but had a few wobbles when the transition days etc were on and 90% of the year were going to one Secondary. DS flatly refused to go to the Private school but we managed to talk him round, especially after he had spent the day there.
To be honest though, although I’m glad both of them feel they made the choice themselves they didn’t really have one - a 10 year old can have a valid opinion but ultimately the Parents have to make the decision

Does the private school run a taster day? I think it can be a real turning point when they see what the reality is and meet some potential new friends. My girls were never resistant but they were actually enthusiastic once that had seen the new school.

They moved at 8 and have hardly any of the same friends now (14).

Primary friendships were the last consideration on my mind when we were looking for secondaries for DD.

The main criteria I had were:
a) does the school cater for DD's very specific strengths in music
b) can we actually get there
c) is the ethos of the school in line with DD's character and my tolerance levels (too strict/rigid was not going to work)
d) does the school offer a wide curriculum and cater for all ability levels
e) what is the SEND provision

Only one child from DD's primary ended up at Secondary with her. Given her 'best friends' seem to have changed as often as the seasons over the last 2 years, I see zero point in having friendships as a major criteria unless it's literally the case of picking between 2 near identical options.