Private senior for 'poor kids'

[mynamesbing]

This is a question for relatively un-wealthy parents who send their kids private.

Have you found sending your DC to a private school, setting aside fighting for a bursary or struggling with fees with 3 jobs, debts etc, did you find the social side a real struggle? Has it had an impact on your DC's self image and mental health?

For those that went to private schools from poor backgrounds, has anything negative carried with you from your childhood?

While DC would get great education and they would have earned their place, I worry about the impact on mental health versus the amazing resources and challenges an academic private senior can offer a bright child who happens to be poor. Especially for state primary kids who are used to being the big fish in the small pond.

I was the poor kid at private school and did feel it; was embarrassed to invite people home etc. But that came from me and my insecurities at least as much as - if not more than - from my peers. So I would say it depends on how confident and comfortable in their skin your DC are. For a while, I struggled with it. In the end, though, I found my place and am very grateful for the opportunities I got, and it gave me different perspectives on life and ironically probably more resilience.

I was the poor kid at my private school. I went to a state primary in a scruffy part of my city then was catapulted into another world. The hardest part was non uniform days when certain ones loved to take the mick out of my clothes from the market, my bag from the market, my everything from the market. I had a few friends, not in touch with any of them now. On balance I’m glad I went because the local state school was shocking, but I rebelled very strongly in the sixth form and threw away the predicted straight As. I still never feel accepted in a group, I don’t think I ever will. We had the opportunity to send ours private and chose not to.

@SockFluffInTheBath

I was the poor kid at my private school. I went to a state primary in a scruffy part of my city then was catapulted into another world. The hardest part was non uniform days when certain ones loved to take the mick out of my clothes from the market, my bag from the market, my everything from the market. I had a few friends, not in touch with any of them now. On balance I’m glad I went because the local state school was shocking, but I rebelled very strongly in the sixth form and threw away the predicted straight As. I still never feel accepted in a group, I don’t think I ever will. We had the opportunity to send ours private and chose not to.

This makes me feel so incredibly sad. I'm glad you said overall you thought it was a good decision, but at what cost?

Thanks for being so honest. I think I will discuss all of this with DC

@SockFluffInTheBath that sounds really hard.

OP I would be a bit careful how much you tell DCs. I think some of this stuff is just not fair to load on them. They have no insight into how important it will be for them to fit in when they are 15, and no way of weighing up how likely they are to fit in or not at different schools. I think this is one for adults to weigh up, not DC.

My mum is adamant that I chose my school so everything that then happened there was on me. I was 10, it shouldn't have been my responsibility.

@mynamesbing

We were not remotely poor but my DD went to a boarding school after a state primary. She was the only state primary child in her year group. The bursaries have possibly changed that now. As far as being a small fish? Well someone has to be! State schools do have bright children you know! In fact 4 in DDs stare primary year went to Oxbridge!

I do think girls notice wealth and clothes a bit more. But not every girl is like this. Some don’t care about any of this. They will undoubtedly have nice holidays though! So you really have to be sure you can subdue the green eyed minster. Parents will live their lives. You won’t change them. You may not end up being friends with them. Some will know each other and will be in a clique. And others won’t. But only you can decide what matters most to you and, more importantly, your DC.

My dds have heard some private school kids say some pretty awful things about state and scholarship kids. Sure their parents are oblivious and would be horrified…

My DCs have heard State school kids say some pretty awful things about Private school kids.
I hope their parents are oblivious and would be horrified too.

I don’t think there’s much thought from dc and his friends re private school dc

Or vice versa as have dc in both

They seem more into their own schools / friends etc

I think a lot can depend on the ethos of the school.

Both mine went private for secondary. The school the Ds joined has a huge bursary/scholarship scheme and takes about 50% state school students. There didn't seem to be a them and us set up.

The school DD joined had a junior school that started from nursery so a lot of her classmates came from there. The scholarship system was as extensive. There was a definite divide there.

Maybe part of it was the girls vs boys set up as well. We are above the level for bursaries etc, but 'only' have one holiday a year, don't have designer clothes etc, but DD definitely felt looked down on. The tales of birthday parties they'd had in the Junior school were unbelievable - not quite on the same level as our 30 kids in the church hall with a bouncy castle!!

My son is probably one of the poorer at his Independent school but doesn't seem remotely bothered about it. He's friends with boys with huge houses and horses, but hasn't ever showed an interest in owning 'stuff' or brands/status symbols, so water off a ducks back.

As long as they have a phone and Xbox that work they all seem equal!

It's an interesting question - my son didn't go to a private school but I would definitely say there is a high level of snobbery among parents in my area. Maybe it doesn't happen so much at secondary level because parents have less of an overview of other parents, but there's no doubt at primary level, they judge people by the car they drive and what size house they have. We are not exactly hard up but were made to feel like the poor relations in my NCT group and then when my son was playing football among kids who were mainly at the local state schools.

So I think it probably depends. I would also guess that it is probably less of an issue where mothers work outside the home due to having less opportunity to gossip with other parents and maybe more mothers work outside the home if they are paying private school fees.

At some schools not that many mums work. They have serious money and don’t need to. Most schools have levels of “people like us”. It’s not necessarily cars or house but hobbies and upbringing come into it.

Boys don’t notice as much as girls. Girls do seem to become more aware of who has what. I think that parents always chatter at sports matches and other social events at private schools. Some parents have formed tight friendship groups from the feeder preps. There isn’t chat at pick up time but lots of private schools have other options for parents to chat if they want to.

My eldest goes to a very expensive school on a bursary and it would be considered really naff to draw attention to economic differences by anyone. The kids aren’t daft, they understand it’s generally more impressive to have gained a place from a more deprived background.

@SwayingInTime
You don’t talk about it openly! But it’s who your friends are and why they are your friends. Of course no one says to your DS “oh, you’re the bursary boy aren't you?” However if, for example parents go shooting on Scottish estates, you won’t be invited. Neither will your DS. You can substitute quite a lot of scenarios for this one. No one will make it obvious but it’s absolutely inevitable that there are groups of like minded people in the parent body who have other parents as friends because they are similar. That does not mean any bursary child is not respected and likes within school.

They do seem to be reasonably open about it. And no contact for me with other parents at high school in my experience. But maybe my kids’ schools are odd!

Most kids seem to self select know mine do. They go to state in “nice” area and pretty much all their friends are from families very similar to ours financially educationally and professionally. People do gravitate to familiarity which is why it is a valid concern if you put your teen into an environment where most other families are different to yours. I got in with the public school set at university by accident and felt this myself.

@MsTSwift
You put it very well. It’s finding your tribe and both DC and parents do it.,

Thanks all for these posts, it's given me so much to think about .

I was one of least well off children at my selective independent secondary. Ordinary background. One of a handful from state primaries.

Most other people very well off, some insanely so (Saudi prince, major global firm owners...).

Possibly it helped that I was among the most academically successful, but the wealth differences didn't worry me. I enjoyed all the opportunities and had a lot of fun with friends of all backgrounds.

It was pretty obvious that wealth didn't buy happiness. I think we all saw that. Plenty of parents with Porsches and devastating drink problems, for example.

Good, wise, kind, thoughtful, available, appropriately liberal parents appreciated much more than what cars they drove.

My DD went to a selective independent boarding school from a state primary. We have owned numerous Porches over the years. I simply don’t recognise drink problems or any others issues when people are wealthy. Most people I know had a grand time!