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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Daughter hates school

23 replies

ColdHandsColdFeetWarmHeart · 05/01/2022 08:45

DD18 is in her last year of sixth form. She's really bright, her teachers love her and she's set for good grades but she's mentally checked out of education and can't wait to leave.

The apprenticeship she wants to do only needs GCSEs so really she could have left after them but didn't know that was what she wanted to do at the time so it's really hard persuading her to finish what she's started.

Every day is a battle getting her to go to school with tears and shouting and I'm having to drive her there or she won't go in. Obviously lockdowns & restrictions are much to blame for her mental state but she won't talk about it, just says she's sad and can't cope.

As she's legally an adult I have no idea how to handle this. I can't force her to go and don't think that would help anyway. I haven't spoken to the school yet, they're the enemy as far as DD is concerned and I know that they're only really interested in students who are going to university and that definitely isn't going to happen here!

Any advice would be gratefully received...

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2022 08:47

Can she talk to the apprenticeship people? Has she actually got it?

If they're happy for her to start, why not?

mdh2020 · 05/01/2022 08:51

Don’t you need to find out why she hates school? Has there always been a problem? I was quite happy at school but I was bullied in yr13 and as a result only went in for lessons. What will happen if she declares a dislike to her apprenticeship?

Original poster

ColdHandsColdFeetWarmHeart · 05/01/2022 09:09

@PermanentTemporary the apprenticeship she wants is very competitive and recruits twice a year so she has no guarantee that she'll even be able to do it.

@mdh2020 she's not being bullied, she has never been academic and struggles with essay writing which is what she's having to do more of now and I feel that she's just put a mental block up to the whole thing.

OP posts:

Legoisthebest · 05/01/2022 09:41

She is 18. Tell her to just leave. Get a job, life experience, do volunteer work (if you can afford to 'keep her').
If she really wants to do the apprenticeship then she just needs to keep applying.

Moonpie789 · 05/01/2022 10:02

That's hard because she is so close to finishing. What if she needs her A levels later on? what if she changes her mind in 5 or 10 years and decides to go to university. It is a shame to quit when she is so close to finishing.

My mum asked her mum to pull her out of school in the last years of her education. She always said she wished her mum had persuaded her to stay as later on she had to go back to college and do her last 2 years in the evening; it wasn't the same experience. This was not in the UK.

However if your DD is so unhappy and has no motivation it is hard as this is affecting her mental health. Can you talk to school? get counselling ?

Apple40 · 06/01/2022 00:03

Have you considered home schooling for last few months? If she will study at home on her own. However you will then have to pay for the exams and find centres who are taking private candidates for the subjects she is studying. I would mention to her it may go against her when applying for the apprenticeship if she quits her A levels they could see it and wonder if she will leave the apprenticeship as well.

NeverAgain2021 · 06/01/2022 11:35

She's just thinking about now and how she feels about now.

She's not thinking about when she's 24 or 25 and decides she hates the apprentice type job she thought she was all signed up for for the rest of her life.

A-levels give you options. She's over half-way there. Why give up now?

She's already done most of the work, it will be over in 4 short months.

Get her to see the long-term view which is that she may thank her 18 year old self deeply for staying the course.

And seeing as the apprenticeship is very hard to come by, why would she trade it all in for a chance, rather than a solid set of grades.

As her parent I would be laying down the line.

Just because she's 18 doesn't mean she understands the harsh brutal realities of life. As her Mum it's your job to lay out those options clearly so she can have a rethink and stay the course.

In short, she needs to grow up and get a grip.

If she's struggling get a tutor one to one to breathe some life back into what can often be a dull process in a class. Essays can even be a bit fun once you master them. Find someone good and she will gain a valuable life lesson.

A levels also gives her the chance of uni, should she change her mind too...

NeverAgain2021 · 06/01/2022 11:38

Can't she start applying now for the apprenticeship to start in June/July? Then she's doubling up. It's not one or the other. It's both. Much more positive.

workingtheusername · 06/01/2022 11:48

I would talk through her options and see what's she wants to do. Then support her to do that.

RedskyThisNight · 06/01/2022 11:57

My DS (same age) is the same. He's mentally checked out of education. Whilst I suspect this is a "normal" thing, this cohort have had a particularly bad time of it - cancelled GCSEs, 6 months of "nothing", lockdowns, lack of teaching support they would normally have etc. No wonder they are finding it tough.

I think all you can do is to talk through what the implications of the choice are. And then leave her to it. I've also told my DS I don't care what he does after school, but if it's not education, training or a job of some sort then we won't be supporting him to sit around at home and do nothing.

I also think you need to remember that doing badly in A Levels (if she does) is not the end of the world. It won't stop her doing what she wants; it just might mean she ends up taking a different route there.

MissSmiley · 06/01/2022 15:17

Just had the same conversation with my daughter who's in lower sixth, she hates school, clever girl, grammar school, doesn't mind studying but hates the school environment, works 15 hours a week in a retail job that she loves but knows she needs her A levels to get where she wants to get eventually, which won't be university because she thinks that would be a ridiculous waste of money. I don't know the answer but your daughter isn't alone.

Moonface123 · 06/01/2022 15:32

It sounds as though she has simply outgrown school. l personally think they are kept at school far too long, my youngest who is very bright found the pace of school way too slow and boredom brought on anxiety. He has studied much better at his own pace at home, has taken some exams in Autumn and the rest in summer.
l disagree that employers look unfavourably towards the homeschooled,.in my experiance it is the opposite, it takes alot of maturity, self discipline and resourcefulness to study at home, my son who is now 16 was told " Well done, good for you, l would have just played on the X box " by his employer.
Maybe it would be beneficial to your daughter to try something new, in a different enviroment, it may give her a new lease of life, you can study for exams at any age and stage of life, alot of employers are not just looking for qualifications, they prefer other experiance than just an academic setting.

KurtWilde · 06/01/2022 16:07

I think by 18 she's probably just outgrown the school setting. My eldest 2 DC had outgrown it by 16 and went straight into college, plus part time jobs. No way I could've convinced them to stay at school until 18 and I'm glad I didn't as they did really well in college and went on to uni. DS was doing an apprenticeship alongside that and now in his chosen career.

onedayoranother · 06/01/2022 21:22

I'm not sure how being really bright and set fit good grades tallies with her not being academic!
It would be a shame to drop out now, so close to getting her A levels. Perhaps you could make a deal with her - she finishes her exams then takes a total break like a gap year. What is her apprenticeship program? What if she isn't accepted? If she is t and has dropped out of A levels it will be hard to go back, though an online course may suit.

TizerorFizz · 07/01/2022 00:39

I assume part of the issue is choosing essay subjects. Why choose essay subjects if you don’t like essays?

The other issue is wanting an apprenticeship that only requires GCSEs. She doesn’t need to bother with A levels in her mind. I would say go ahead and apply. See what happens. I guess they would recruit her for a summer start anyway. Ask her what plan B is?l working in retail? No well paid jobs there for mist?

What is she aspiring to be? What does she see herself doing in 7 years time? I would say finish A levels, apply for apprenticeship and if not successful,work.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 07/01/2022 08:15

She is almost at the finish line, I am not one for sunk cost fallacy but she will have done the last 18 months for nothing if she quits now.

Surely being able to admit this wasn't the right choice for her but she saw it through to the end is something that looks great on any apprenticeship application as opposed to I just quit when I found it hard. She needs to show resilience. You said yourself the apprenticeship is competitive. How do you think they will view her attitude?

You need to tell school. Usually they have someone over UCAS and someone over "real world" so jobs and apprenticeships. She will also have pastoral or head of year. They need to know how she feels, possibly put stuff in place that helps her with her essay writing.

The harsh reality of life is choices she makes now possibly will affect her in the future. If she gets A levels it opens the door to university if that is something she wants later on. What is her plan b if she doesn't get the apprenticeship?

RedskyThisNight · 07/01/2022 08:29

I haven't spoken to the school yet, they're the enemy as far as DD is concerned and I know that they're only really interested in students who are going to university and that definitely isn't going to happen here!

That bit stood out for me. Why is the school only interested in those going to university ...that's a ridiculous attitude to take, and I wonder if that is actually the route of your daughter's issues - why bother going to school when she's getting a "not worth bothering if you're not going to university" type message. Whereas if she was being supported to achieve what she wants she might feel more positive about it.

The not giving up now the end in sight thing is all very well, but chances are she's already been struggling for months. I suspect it might be better to adopt a softly softly approach - let her go to school when she wants so she can take the exams and encourage her to study at home. If she was doing well so far, she'll still end up with something. You can't force a child who doesn't want to work, to work. And I don't think the "your life will be ruined if you don't get your A Levels" type conversations are particularly productive.

TizerorFizz · 07/01/2022 09:20

If it’s an academic grammar school it could well be they are set up for uni advice with little else considered. However if the op doesn’t speak to the school it’s an assertion that might not be accurate. No help if you don’t ask!

DishyDad2 · 07/01/2022 18:33

@NeverAgain2021

She's just thinking about now and how she feels about now.

She's not thinking about when she's 24 or 25 and decides she hates the apprentice type job she thought she was all signed up for for the rest of her life.

A-levels give you options. She's over half-way there. Why give up now?

She's already done most of the work, it will be over in 4 short months.

Get her to see the long-term view which is that she may thank her 18 year old self deeply for staying the course.

And seeing as the apprenticeship is very hard to come by, why would she trade it all in for a chance, rather than a solid set of grades.

As her parent I would be laying down the line.

Just because she's 18 doesn't mean she understands the harsh brutal realities of life. As her Mum it's your job to lay out those options clearly so she can have a rethink and stay the course.

In short, she needs to grow up and get a grip.

A levels also gives her the chance of uni, should she change her mind too...

Totally agree with @NeverAgain2021, this is what the OP needs to do.
She might not thank the OP now but she will later in life.

The DD has only got a term and a bit of school left, then it is study leave and exams. And she hasn't even got the apprenticeship sorted yet! We all make mistakes when we are young, that is why the kids need us parents to put them straight.

Practical advice...has the OP thought of some kind of incentive for her to stay on at school. Money, extra freedoms, etc.

CookieDoughKid · 09/01/2022 23:22

Pull out all the stops and get her to finish a levels. It will make a big difference in her future if she wants a corporate career (not saying she does) or University. Generally high paying jobs need qualifications. This will open doors, set her apart and she will thank you later.

CookieDoughKid · 09/01/2022 23:23

Not saying she should go to university but a baseline of good A levels is a very good thing to many different careers in the future. Does she want a career or just a job? If career, do a levels.

toomanypillows · 09/01/2022 23:35

I am an academic mentor and student welfare counsellor in a 6th form, and every single year at around this time I get booked up with year 13s who all have the same issues. They check out, they think that apprenticeships are some kind of grail, they are nervous about their exams and they see that they're 18 and believe that they no longer need to be in education.

There are some for whom leaving and going to do something new is a great option and works for them - but it is a very small percentage that this applies to.

At this stage of an A Level programme, it would be an enormous shame to leave with nothing - A Levels can really help with choices in the future.

The grass definitely isn't always greener and I hear from past students who do this almost every year, who have some regret.

If you can speak to a welfare officer or the Head of 6th form and really thrash out the choices, then that might really help. It could be that it's the right choice for her, but equally leaving HAS to be for the right reasons, otherwise it just pushes the problem a bit further into the future.

toomanypillows · 09/01/2022 23:39

The other issue is with the apprenticeship she was looking at. If it only requires GCSEs, then it's a Level 3 apprenticeship, which isn't going to be at all well paid and probably not enough for her at 18 and will probably be another 2 years.
She could complete her A Levels and go on to do a degree-equivalent apprenticeship which has much better options and salary. She could start in July if she applies now.

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