Repeated detentions

[Remmy123]

At the end of my tether really with my son's behaviour at school.

This week alone:

1. Detention fir chatting in class
2. Detention and phone confiscated as it rang in class and should be switched off.
3. Had chewing gum in mouth when walking into a classroom as he couldn't find a bin on the way.

Each detention we are now banning him from his beloved pc for that night.

He cannot have one good week I'm finding it all quite stressful as I am / was total opposite at school I just cannot get my head around why he finds it so hard.

He thinks his teachers hate him and says it's never his fault 😬

He is year 8

Soon he will be out on report I suspect

Any words of wisdom?

Thanks

To be honest, chewing gum? The school sounds like a nightmare. Is it one of those awful zero tolerance academies? Sounds like they really know how to put a kid off education.

@EllieNBeeb it's strict yes and he hates it.

It does seem like it's zero tolerance.

Is there a different school with a more relaxed ethos he can switch to? I understand zero tolerance works for some, but it seems like really it's just going to turn your son off and make him not care, as well as convince you he's a bad kid who is acting out--which to be honest, it really doesn't look like he is, it looks like the school just likes wasting everyone's time. I'd honestly stop punishing him because that's doubly punishing him (he's already got detention) and they're not really even for good reasons.

Chewing gum in schools is vile because it almost never ends up in the bin, but is stuck under desks, chairs , on the walls.

Phones being off and away is pretty standard too.

What does his tutor say ? Keep the lines of communication open.

I agree, they don’t seem like good reasons for detention. I wouldn’t punish at home too.

Also agree the detention is the punishment , you might not need to add to it.

Chewing gum and phones were both banned at my school. This was before the days of everyone having a phone but some did & they were not allowed in class; only in lockers. Chewing gum was banned as it was either stuck under desks or on the floors.. I kind of agree with that tbh! Detention seems severe though if it’s the first time he’s been caught with it. Xo

Banning him from stuff on top of the detentions seems a bit much. Whether you get in trouble in school really is a function of how much the teachers dislike you. If you're well liked, they're likely to cut you a bit of slack.

This "behaviour" isn't bad at all really. If he was wrecking stuff or hurting people, that'd be one thing, but chatting and chewing gum and forgetting to silence your phone are hardly serious offenses.

The issue here isn't the school's response (phone measures and a ban on chewing gum were common before academies were even a thing). The issue is your son's inability to recognise when he is at fault. If that remains the same, it wouldn't matter if you moved him to another school as, currently, he is demonstrating that he cannot take responsibility for his own actions.

Detentions aren't created by the school and done to the students. They are a consequences of the choices the student makes. Until he understands that, it won't get any better.

Not really the crimes of the century. I agree with others - the school is very strict.

Is he enjoying it otherwise? Engaged in his learning?

Thanks all it is very interesting to hear your views.

He is bright and so academically is doing well - just above average from what I can see.

He is easily distracted. Nothing is ever malicious, it's all low-level stuff really. He has a good group of friends, all very well behaved polite boys.

We had banned him from his PC tonight and he got into a right state, along the lines of 'that school makes me want to kill myself'

I've let him have 30mins on there and we had a cuddle.

Not sure whst I shouid be doing as if they are the school rules then they need to be adhered to?!

Not chatting or having phones going off in lessons is surely a basic expectation? Are there really 'more relaxed' sschools where this is tolerated?

How much teaching and learning will be happening if the teacher is continually having to stop to tell pupils to stop chatting and turn off their phones? It's disruptive and time wasting.

@DameAlyson yes I agree with the phone detention as he knows the rules. He thought it was on silent but it should have been turned off.

The issue here isn't the school's response (phone measures and a ban on chewing gum were common before academies were even a thing). The issue is your son's inability to recognise when he is at fault.

This.

*We had banned him from his PC tonight and he got into a right state, along the lines of 'that school makes me want to kill myself'

I've let him have 30mins on there and we had a cuddle.*

maybe backtracking on discipline is why he has no sense of responsibility?

@SockFluffInTheBath you are absolutely right.

I banned him last night too for the whole night I also confiscated his phone.

It just worried me with the 'wanting to kill myself' 😬

PS i don't usually ever back track

If there are no underlying MH issues and it’s in reaction to something like this then it’s fairly standard teenage over-dramatic guff and cuts no ice with me (horrible mother) I didn’t mean to sound holier than thou but you need to decide what course of action to take and then bloody stick to it. If detention is enough then fine, but don’t say anything to undermine the school as it reinforces in his mind that he’s been treated unfairly. Probably best to not have gum in school if there aren’t enough convenient bins. I wonder about all the parents who build their kids up against school rules, do these kids take a note from their mum to their workplace when they’re unfairly disciplined for incorrect kit or poor timekeeping?

I was at a strict school 20 years ago and would have been told off for these things but wouldn't have got detention. Something can be against the rules but not merit formal punishment. I do think the school is being too harsh, but obviously you can't do anything about that.

As others have said, the detention is the punishment. Don't punish him again. You don't have to agree with his view that the school is unfair, but he probably feels as if the school is against him, you're on their side, and nobody cares how he feels about it. Justified or not, that's a horrible feeling.

When I got detention, my parents sympathised with me when told and then left me to get on with it. School deals with school behaviour, home deals with home behaviour. Double punishment really is unfair.

Sorry but these are all good life lessons for him - if you don't follow the rules, you face the consequences. These are just things he has to learn to become a well adjusted adult.

The school are not being overly strict - they're simply cracking down on the low level 'offences' as a method of preventing kids from progressing to more serious stuff. It's a good thing.

@DameAlyson

Not chatting or having phones going off in lessons is surely a basic expectation? Are there really 'more relaxed' sschools where this is tolerated?

How much teaching and learning will be happening if the teacher is continually having to stop to tell pupils to stop chatting and turn off their phones? It's disruptive and time wasting.

They are not normally met immediately with detention as a primary punishment at other schools. At ours it would be, in escalating order

• reminded of the rule
• told off
• demerit
• reprimand
• detention

It’s one of the top state schools in the country, and the kids are generally very well behaved.

You don’t always have to go nuclear.

I don't think the assumption that detention was the first response in each case can really be made here.

I don't think the assumption that detention was the first response in each case can really be made here.

I agree (again), probably gave OP the edited highlights and missed out the repeated reminders/warnings.

@Iamnotthe1

I don't think the assumption that detention was the first response in each case can really be made here.

Why not? I know my son's school would be immediate detention for these three "offences"

Thanks it's interesting to hear everyone's views.

I'm not questioning whether the school is right or wrong and I have told him rules are the rules, it's for his own benefit.. etc

But I am just really hoping the penny drops ASAP and this all stops as I do find it stressful - I woke up worrying about it last night .. sounds pathetic really!! It's a new chapter having a teenager 😬

I just want him to do well and not waste his time at school and come out with nothing.

Because the vast majority of schools don't work like this and it's clear from the initial post that the OP's son struggles to see his own fault and take responsibility for his actions. This strongly suggests that these may be "tip of the iceburg" situations.