Page 2 | when parents don't agree

fubichouk · 2021-10-30T12:57:17+00:00

Hi, It's coming up to the deadline for eAdmissions for secondary school places. (it's tomorrow evening at midnight) I'm in a position where my daughter has a list of school preferences, after having visited all the schools, and having discussed with the deputy head of her current school (who offered to mediate). We have sumitted our eApplication. My ex-wife however doesn't acknowledge these preferences and has submitted a separate list of choices. So we will have two conflicting applications for one child. I have tried to reason with no avail. I don't want her application to be made void. Is there any kind of service that can mediate this? The police? I contacted a mediation organisation and they suggested an injunction but it's a bit late for that. Any suggestions would be appreciated - I'm at a loss here!

Theunamedcat · 31/10/2021 16:01

@TizerorFizz

Don’t forget children can express different wishes to each parent. If you cannot discuss this like mature adults you will find DD will say what she wants to you but may well say something different to the other parent. If you sat down in the same room to discuss the options, you might have had a united front. In the circumstances, withdraw your application.

Yes to this! My son will tell me one thing and he will agree with his dad a completely different thing he had a Councillor at the school for awhile turns out he didn't feel he could say no to his dad I said as long as he was happy I would go with what he was telling them so we ended up reduced contact with dad and him having zero input into school choices

According to his dad it was all my idea 🙄

Takeachance18 · 31/10/2021 18:23

I believe where there are 2 applications made,it goes of who is getting child benefit. How much differences are there between the 2 and is your catchment school, the same school for each address?

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 19:22

Thank you all for your messages.
I've just been a bit ill today (got 'flu).
Last night I walked past my daughters room and heard her tearfully imploring her mum to listen to her... after asked if she was alright and if she got anywhere and she said she go somewhere.
Dropped her off at her mums house and said, "we really need to talk about this" and got "sorry I'm busy now" as an answer. (she was doing nothing) I have tried so many times to have a reasonable conversation and sort it out.
Daughter is going to try again tonight an text me if she was successful. I really admire her for standing up for what she wants at the age of ten. And feel awful that she even has to do this. Either way, successful or not I do plan to withdraw my application at the eleventh hour. I'm not going to risk it... I've just come to the computer to try to find out how.
We're entering for a few independent schools too, so hopefully she'll get in there anyway, although she is going to have to really knuckle down to get through the exams. Her brother (academic powerhouse) is tutoring her, which she's really proud of.
It's so awful when parents can't put aside their differences, and I appreciated what Tizeofizz said about parents really just defending their position. I never thought about it like that, and in a way I suppose we both are, although would the alternative be just to let people walk over you and do what they want?
I put so much work into researching and visiting schools, and the ex just walks in and puts her choice, without consulting anyone, at the top, just because she can. And then signs it off as agreed by everyone.
So yeah, I am really frustrated about it, especially as I tried multiple times to arrange mediation, all for nothing.

Anyway soon all that will be over. I really thank you all for your help and the effort you made to find things out like websites and documents. You've been a really big help!

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Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 19:25

Just got a text from my daughter:
"successful"

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Camdenish · 31/10/2021 19:49

That’s good news , but what does it mean? Does it mean you should withdraw your application, she’ll withdraw hers, or she’s changed hers?

TizerorFizz · 31/10/2021 19:51

Totally understand what you are saying but you need to move away from the “walk all over you” thoughts. In most things it’s give and take. It’s seeing a middle way and not fighting everything.

The problem is that you think you did all the legwork. That’s quite possibly not the case. There’s asking other parents, general “gossip@ about schools and gut reactions. You hear about that all the time but don’t underplay it.

Try again with your ex and decide if she is withdrawing her application and make sure you apply from one address!

TheSmallAssassin · 31/10/2021 19:57

Phew! Well done to your daughter.

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 20:37

She's changed hers.
However she is outside the catchment area for Sydenham so now I have to write to her to ask her to withdraw her application, so that our daughter has a chance of getting in at all.
She was also outside the catchment area for her choice (Charter) by a long way (Charter is about 900m, and she lives 2.5 miles away) so the whole thing was nonsensical.
However it's going to be a real push to get her to do that, as she wants to be registered as the "main contact" for the school because of child custody reasons. I'll offer that she can switch the main contact to her once she has a place. Or whatever it takes

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Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 20:38

@TheSmallAssassin

Phew! Well done to your daughter.

Yeah! I see the future.... an afternoon in Kaspars!

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Imitatingdory · 31/10/2021 20:46

OP have you read the booklet I linked to? Following the offer of a place you are required to submit proof of address including the child benefit letter or a letter from HMRC stating you are no longer eligible due to income. Therefore the address used to apply must be your ex's. If you use your address you risk the place being withdrawn.

3luckystars · 31/10/2021 20:51

Can you ring and ask to withdraw the other application, just say you both put one in by mistake and have decided that your one is the correct one now.

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 20:58

@Imitatingdory

OP have you read the booklet I linked to? Following the offer of a place you are required to submit proof of address including the child benefit letter or a letter from HMRC stating you are no longer eligible due to income. Therefore the address used to apply must be your ex's. If you use your address you risk the place being withdrawn.

I've got it here and reading through it. Don't quite understand but plugging away...

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Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 21:02

@Imitatingdory

OP have you read the booklet I linked to? Following the offer of a place you are required to submit proof of address including the child benefit letter or a letter from HMRC stating you are no longer eligible due to income. Therefore the address used to apply must be your ex's. If you use your address you risk the place being withdrawn.

I don't see anywhere where it says I am ineligible because I am on Universal Credit, with children. Still reading trying to find it. My UC says I am the main carer, which is something the DWP determined, not me.

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Imitatingdory · 31/10/2021 21:11

Page 15 states

" • Please note that the offer of a school place is conditional until proof of your address has been confirmed by the school.

• Original copies of the following will be required:
- Child benefit documentation, or if you are no longer eligible to receive child benefit, a letter from the HMRC confirming that you were previously in receipt of child benefit
- Council tax bill
- One other proof of address, e.g. TV licence, bank statement, credit/store card statement."

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 21:20

That's fine.
I have all the proof of address / council tax.
The child benefit letter is only for those people who have received child benefit. The school can't operate a policy of only admitting people on child benefit.
They won't turn a child down because they don't get child benefit

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LIZS · 31/10/2021 21:26

@fubichouk

That's fine. I have all the proof of address / council tax. The child benefit letter is only for those people who have received child benefit. The school can't operate a policy of only admitting people on child benefit. They won't turn a child down because they don't get child benefit

But they specify a HMRC letter stating receipt or non eligibility of CB payments which will be to your ex address (although not sure how that works for those who may never have registered).

Imitatingdory · 31/10/2021 21:40

OP the LA require either the CB letter or a letter from HMRC stating you are ineligible but previously received it, AND the council tax bill AND another form of proof.

The LA will remove the place if they deem you to have applied using the wrong address. It happens every year to parents who think it will never happen to them. They can do this even after the child has started secondary.

Liz I presume at the moment most families applying to secondary schools will have claimed child benefit at some point as current Y6 pupils were born before child benefit stopped being universal. Now even if not in receipt of the benefit lots register but opt out of receiving payment.

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 21:47

Ok I think I see what you mean:
If CB go to my ex's address, they will count that as the primary address.
I think the CB letter might be needed for free school meals, or music lessons.
To be truthful, until a few days ago I thought my UC payment (the child element) replaced any CB payments, as that is what I was told. In fact, I have been giving my ex half of my child payments because she looks after the kids half the time. Only a few days ago she mentions she still gets CB! (wonder why she didn't mention if before...)

I think it might be an admin error that she still gets CB, but I opened up my eAdmissions application in the genuine belief that it was I, as the main carer, who should be making the application.
Now I'm not sure whose address should be used, but my UC still says I'm the main carer.

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LIZS · 31/10/2021 21:51

Since you won't be able to evidence the address on your application by the listed documents it should be your ex address who can. Some LA allow you to update it within a few weeks if your enquiries proved otherwise,

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 22:02

@LIZS

Since you won't be able to evidence the address on your application by the listed documents it should be your ex address who can. Some LA allow you to update it within a few weeks if your enquiries proved otherwise,

Okay thanks! I have emailed and texted my ex to ask her to withdraw her application, but she is ignoring it, so I guess my only option is to do as you suggested.

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LIZS · 31/10/2021 22:16

Are you not running the same risk by expecting ex to withdraw hers? If dd is happy with her dm version, cancel yours.

Original poster

fubichouk · 31/10/2021 22:38

@LIZS

Are you not running the same risk by expecting ex to withdraw hers? If dd is happy with her dm version, cancel yours.

Yeah, going to. It was just that I live much closer to the schools on the application. I'm going to have to send her an email saying i'm withdrawing mine, in case she bottles it and withdraws hers too. Just got to find out how to withdraw the application.... can't see any button anywhere....

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