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Secondary education

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Original poster

Private for youngest, older DC in state

9 replies

SweetPelican · 22/10/2021 11:29

We are in a position where we now could afford private boarding sixth form for our youngest. She is applying for a scholarship but we could afford it without discount.

The opportunities seem amazing and we know it would suit her completely.

Our issue is we sent older DC to a very good local state school. I don't know how they'd feel about it- we haven't yet told them. We go through waves of guilt about the imbalance followed by waves of reasoning- I now work full time again, often abroad, so her boarding fits our circumstances. We feel we can compensate older DC through spending more on their uni fees, house deposits etc proportionally.

Anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:
lanthanum · 22/10/2021 12:07

Is older DC doing well? It's entirely possible that they will be quite happy. There are obviously different circumstances now - it's not just that boarding helps with your work trips, but also presumably the younger one is now the only one at home, so boarding school would give them more company.

What you give your kids doesn't have to be identical, just reasonably fair given changing circumstances.

My siblings and I spent differing amounts of time in private schools (0/1/2/9 years, not in that order) for varying reasons. We all got a good education, and are all doing well; I don't think anyone resents the differences.

puffyisgood · 22/10/2021 13:08

Would the younger child enjoy boarding for the first time, presumably after 12 years in the state system, at age 16? Might be quite a culture shock. Some of the main benefits of going private, like sports specifically, might not be top of a 16 yr old girl's list of priorities?

Anyway, that to one side, what you're suggesting sounds perfectly OK.

What isn't in any way OK, in my opinion is to say at outset 'we're only going to be able to send one of you private... so we're going to pick one of you and it'll be child X'. But there are other good reasons for sending some private and some not, e.g.:

(a) one child passes a state 11+, the other doesn't;
(b) as in your example, financial circumstances change [for the better or sometimes worse] we went private when we were flush, state when not;
(c) etc.

I suppose I'm saying it's a no brainer, it's perfectly fine, if it's what you want to do.

The IMO slightly sticky territory is where you start to talk about compensating the other child - if both end up with e.g. similar academic results and the older child has £75k less student debt or say £75k more for a house deposit, the younger child just might to question whether the money that went on fees mightn't have been better spent elsewhere.

flowery · 22/10/2021 13:13

Would younger DC actually prefer a private sixth form education over a house deposit?

Hoppinggreen · 22/10/2021 13:31

I wouldn’t do it even if it were a Day school

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 22/10/2021 13:39

DH recently admitted his feelings about the fact that his younger brother went to a private school and he didn't. He understands why it happened... but when he was seriously struggling for money at university, having two part time jobs to afford rent and food but his brother was messing around and having to repeat a year at private school he did feel a bit resentful. And his Dad having to work 6 days a week.

Despite this he agrees with what his parents (and Grandparents, they helped pay) did.

Curioushorse · 22/10/2021 16:51

My brother went to a private school and I didn't. It's always left me with the feeling that my parents considered him to be more important than me.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 22/10/2021 21:51

I'm one of 4...
2 went to a state boarding grammar
1 went to same and then left to go to local 6th form college (their choice)
Youngest went to top public school

Youngest was a lot younger and parents were only having to fund one child by that stage. I don't think any of us resent the different choices.

Right school for right child.

maofteens · 23/10/2021 10:09

I have two sisters and me and my older sister went to a very good state school and my youngest went private. I have no idea why my parents thought this was good for her - it wasn't a better school than the state one. My older sister and I didn't resent it one bit.
Years later my mother started saying 'I wish we could have afforded to send all of you to private'. Why? My older sister had gone to a prestigious university and became a doctor, I went to an excellent art college and was doing well. I couldn't fathom why she thought we would have done any better by going to a private school. Her answer? Connections! I think she thought we would have been able to meet wealthier families and rich husbands! Which is NOT what happened to my younger sister anyway, and certainly not really my mothers own life - she had a career so it wasn't as if she thought we needed to marry well as a goal.
But basically I couldn't care less that my younger sister went to a private school when I didn't. It didn't get her a better life than what us older two have. If it's just a matter of equalling out the money spent, then yes help pay for uni fees or whatever, but that never occurred to us (that more money had been spent in her than us).

Hoppinggreen · 23/10/2021 10:16

@Curioushorse

My brother went to a private school and I didn't. It's always left me with the feeling that my parents considered him to be more important than me.
Same here but the other way around. My brother is 53 and he still bangs on about it, despite the fact that I got a full scholarship
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