help me with dd, please! Really long!

[seeker]

My dd is 11 - nearly 12. She is in year 7 of a school where only two of her primary school mates go. One is her cousin - she gets on OK with her although they are very different - the other is the "class know-all" who, although they are friends, has been low level bullying my dd since year 3 (does than make sense? I don't mean really bad bullying, but a lot of manipulation - deciding who's allowed to be her friend, that sort of thing) She is in a different form from both of these tow, and seemed to be getting on really well, new friendships emerging and so on, until she was off sick the week before last. Since then she has been so low and unlike herself, very quiet and no bounce at all. I put it down at first to getting over the bug she had, then to end of term tiredness.

Then today we missed the bus so I had to drive her to school, and on the way she broke down in floods of tears about not having any friends and since she was off nobody wants to be her friend any more and she doesn't want to go to school....... she was so sad. I desperately wanted to turn round and take her home and never let her go there again (!) but I didn't and I managed to get her into school, where by some extraordinary co oincidence, the education welfare officer was hanging around in Reception! I stood back and let her take over - and she said she'd take dd off for a hot chocolate and a chat with the Head of the Junior School. So I gave dd a hug and off she went, very droopy and tearful, but she went.

I'm now not sure whether to ring the school, or wait for dd to get home - or what. Any advice? And dd insists the girl who used to bully her isn't doing it any more, but would you tell the school about it anyway? Or is that Primary school type parenting?

My dd is lucky in that she doesn't have to go back until Monday. I will compare notes on Monday night.

Really hope your dd is ok. My dd told me she was being ignored by people and was lonely - it cut me up and I remember being at work completely distracted by it, wondering if she is ok.

When they are 14 year old over-confident ratbags giving us hell we will probably look back at this time with a sense of incredulity!!

How did it go Seeker? Hope your dd was happier going off today

She was happier - thanks to some extent to the stream of cheerful chatter I came out with from waking up to getting on the bus! Friday's one of her favourite days - music, games, English and Geography - then she has dancing and Scouts in the evening. We had a lovely family day yeserday and today we're celebrating Three Kings Day with our Spanish family, so more presents.

Fingers crossed for all these poor half baby/half teenager children tomorrow!

Seeker my DD(y8) had/is having the same problems. She is a painfully shy girl & tends to hide behind her books which doesn't help with the making friends thing. We had a few meltdowns last term & I ended up having a long chat with her form teacher on the phone on a number of occasions & he has got the pastoral care teacher involved (luckily one of DD's favourites & her geography teacher too) Like you I was pleasantly surprised at the support & care offered in such a big school.

I think half our problem (hers AND mine!!) is missing the intimacy of her primary school, & not knowing the teachers so well. I knew we could pop in & have a "quiet word" with her old teacher so anything like thiscould be nipped in the bud. Now I'm sure her present school would be pleased for me to drop in but it's not the "done thing" with girls that age is it?

I'm dreading tomorrow but we shall see!!

Year 7 is such a difficult year. The transition from cosy primary to huge secondary and going from being one of the biggest to one of the smallest are huge challenges for a lot of children. Some find it easier than others.

DS2 started at secondary this year and, given that he is normally a very outgoing, confident and gregarious child, I was shocked when teasing/bullying by bigger boys about his hair (it is very long) affected him so deeply, to the point where he was curled up in bed at a time he should have been leaving for school, crying and begging me not to send him to school. I did send him - well, took him myself actually - but it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My instinct was to curl up in bed with him! Things have got better to a degree although I think he still gets a hard time about his hair. However, I had no hesitation in talking to staff about it. They have to know if a new pupil is struggling in any way and I also think it helps them to understand that you are a hands-on parent prepared to go to any lengths to ensure your child is happy and well-cared for in school - although there is a fine line between this and being classed as an over-protective parent.

I'm sure your dd will settle and make some nice friends. The early stages are hard to witness though, aren't they?

God yes & coupled with raging about to start hormones we have mood swings to rival any menopausal mother!

Like seeker I veer from "oh FGS darling get a grip " to "there, there lets have a day off together & curl up on the sofa" Luckily I manage to not utter these phrases although I did give in (much to my DH's disgust) on one PARTICULARLY heart-wrenching day. She sobbed her heart out from getting up to leaving the house, fell asleep in the car on the way to school & at the drop off point woke up & burst into tears again. I took her home & we had A Big Talk & that's when I started involving her teacher who has been a star.

God it doesn't get any easier does it? Give me the terrible two's any day!!

How have the all been this week? So far,mine has been much happier - keeping everything crossed for the rest of the week!

Me too!

Mine has been bouncing out of bed in the mornings!!

Her German teacher has organised pen-friends for them all & she got her first letter this week with nice photo. She is SO chuffed she has ALWAYS wanted a pen-pal!! Seem to remember I love them at this age too

Long may the tranquility last eh???

Still going well here - maybe were over the hump. Anyone else?

Seeker - I am so glad that your dd is ok, know how worried you were for her.

My dd is the same, was looking forward to going back in the end (after a few wobbles) and all her classes have been re-jugged, so she is with some other girls. So no more tears in the morning thank god.

You really feel for them don't you? I am so glad I am not that age!

Fingers crossed that they keep on doing well

Seeker/Kitty -just wondering how your DDs have been this half-term?

Mine has had quite a good one-still a struggle to get her up & out some mornings but I think that's general teenagerhood setting in!!

My dd seems a little more settled now too. Nasty girl who was cyber bullying seems to have stopped and although dd still ocassionally says she wants to go to local comp with her primary friends, she seems to be getting on socially better with her peers and has a some lovely teachers looking out for her. She's also joined the drama club and seems to be enjoying it immensly.

Went to her parent/ teacher consultations last week and she seems to be doing very well in most things although still a bit distracted in some subjects she doesn't particularly like. Also one teacher who has been helping her with her friend problems told us that dd does not appear unhappy at school and probably hooks on to the one bad thing to happen at school on any one day, to tell us about. Less to worry about than we think by the so.unds of it. Glad all your dcs seem to be happier now too

mine has made a good new friend and is much happier. She also got a really good report, and, as she's a bit of a goody-goody that helped a lot too. Spent this evening making heart shaped biscuits for the year 7 Charity week Baker's Shop. Fingers crossed things are definitely on the up. Thank you for remembering!

My daughter is 11 in Yr 7 and is still struggling with making friends. We seem to have tried everything. What makes it worse though is that we had this problem for the final year of primary school, and we kept her going by assuring her that secondary would be better. She finds that everyone is already in friendship sets and she can't break into any of them. Not through lack of trying either. We've had people over, she bought Christmas presents for them etc. etc. but now they will say they are busy when phoned (the latest was 'busy seeing her next-door neighbour gran all of half-term!) Her form teacher is new this term - new to the school and new to teaching - and when I went to the parents' evening last term gave me information which later revealed he was talking about another girl! I don't feel I can talk to him about anything. I did speak to the assistant head, but again didn't really feel I got anywhere and haven't noticed any difference. Not sure what to do next.

Have you had a word with the Head of Year 7? It might be worth letting him/her know that the form teacher was talking about the wrong child - I know mistakes happen but that's awful

I do think it takes a very long time to settle into year 7 - it's such a huge change. Are there any lunchtime or after school clubs your dd could go to where she might make some friends out of the classroom context?