What type of secondary for a sensitive child?

[Loopyluce88]

We live in zone 2 London and the secondary options locally are all good, but they’re huge. I had always thought DS would just go to the closest one and hadn’t given it much more thought than that. We’ve lived here since long before DS was born and I always just assumed the local primary, the local secondary. And it’s a “good” school, and most of his primary class will go there.

But DS has found primary school a bit harder than I expected (he doesn’t love it with no real specifics; and he has only one close friend - by choice). DS is introverted and shy. He often has nightmares about things like Halloween and still comes and sleeps on our bedroom floor most nights.

Having said all that, he is a very happy child!

He’s in year 4 so the talk in the playground has turned to secondary school.

Do you think I should consider a small private school for DS? I know there are a lot of choices (I have not looked into a single one though), but I am sort of morally against private schools . Having said that, I don’t want him to get swallowed up in the big academy and be miserable! We can afford it.

Would you consider a small private secondary for a sensitive child?

I know he’s young still, but I’m told I need to start looking at them now.

Please remember that he is only year 4. That's still 3 more years before of primary and children and grow and develop enormously in that that. It won't hurt to look but keep in mind children aswell as schools can change in that time. My son is sensitive but does go to a big academy. He lives it because it cracks down on disruption in class to the point there's no disruption which makes him feel confident. He has gone from a shy boy to one who joins alot of school clubs.

If it’s affordable then definitely look into it. DS has moved from a large (8 form) secondary to a tiny independent- he’s much happier as the environment of the smaller school suits him much better.

To be honest a larger school gives more opportunity to meet people like you. Most secondaries focus at least at first on making the peer group small in class - by either just doing lessons in form groups or by dividing the year in half so all lessons are done in the Spanish/ French half of the year. There are then lots of clubs to join where you can meet up with the other shy boy who loves history and lego.

My ds is also loving having the pastoral support on tap. At primary the teacher always had other problems to address, maths, English, who bought in the milk bottles for the science experients, fighting, SATs, Ellie falling out with her BFF etc. At secondary there is a pastoral support team devoted to listening to his worries.

Obviously you can get these things in a private school, but don't assume that just because he finds primary difficult he will have the same issues with secondary.

@Cattitudes

To be honest a larger school gives more opportunity to meet people like you. Most secondaries focus at least at first on making the peer group small in class - by either just doing lessons in form groups or by dividing the year in half so all lessons are done in the Spanish/ French half of the year. There are then lots of clubs to join where you can meet up with the other shy boy who loves history and lego.

My ds is also loving having the pastoral support on tap. At primary the teacher always had other problems to address, maths, English, who bought in the milk bottles for the science experients, fighting, SATs, Ellie falling out with her BFF etc. At secondary there is a pastoral support team devoted to listening to his worries.

Obviously you can get these things in a private school, but don't assume that just because he finds primary difficult he will have the same issues with secondary.

Totally agree with this. My slightly socially awkward at primary school dd much preferred secondary school and found a great bunch of friends whereas was always a bit left out at primary school. I think a big school definitely gives more chance to meet like minded people.

@Cattitudes

To be honest a larger school gives more opportunity to meet people like you. Most secondaries focus at least at first on making the peer group small in class - by either just doing lessons in form groups or by dividing the year in half so all lessons are done in the Spanish/ French half of the year. There are then lots of clubs to join where you can meet up with the other shy boy who loves history and lego.

My ds is also loving having the pastoral support on tap. At primary the teacher always had other problems to address, maths, English, who bought in the milk bottles for the science experients, fighting, SATs, Ellie falling out with her BFF etc. At secondary there is a pastoral support team devoted to listening to his worries.

Obviously you can get these things in a private school, but don't assume that just because he finds primary difficult he will have the same issues with secondary.

Yes, agree, this is my experience as a teacher and a parent.

How big is "huge" OP? An eight-form entry is fairly standard IME and as well as the benefits highlighted above, allows for a range of subjects to be taught and offered at GCSE and A level. There should be many different clubs offered for all tastes.

The secondary where I taught had a large group of students who spent their free time playing Top Trumps in safety in the library, and had clubs for things like creative writing, bridge, Magic the Gathering and more.

A private school with very good pastoral care will give you peace of mind no state school ever could Many may come on here and disagree but having been both sides, with a sensitive child, the two experiences are worlds apart.

You might get lucky with a nice set of sensitive friends at secondary. Or you might not. It's roll of the dice...

At a private school with good pastoral care, they will keep a watch on your child - and you can flag anything up with them and it will be dealt with with time and attention.

In the end it's just down to money, there are more teachers, with more time to invest more personally in your child.

It's not that one set of teachers is better than another in either system. It's just money that ensures your child doesn't get lost among the sea of other kids.

Good luck.

I really would go for a big school.
Small schools are not good for shy children.
They need a big pool of kids so they can find their tribe.

I'm with @PeachesPumpkin.
I've got friends with children at small independents (think 12-40 students in a year group) and every single one has been utterly miserable (as well as getting way worse academic results than they were capable of) because their pool for friendships was so small.
I have friends with children at bigger indies who have been very very happy so this isn't an indie/state argument for me.
My oldest DC was fairly quiet and sensitive (certainly in year 4 - had come out of their shell more by year 6/7) but moved easily from a tiny primary with fewer than 30 in a year to an 8 form entry secondary school.
Maybe start looking but keep your options/mind open.

I completely agree with PP arguing that larger schools give more chances to meet your "tribe". They may also be able to support a wider range of extra-curricular activities, which provide further chances to find others with similar interests.

If you're looking at private schools, look at the quality of pastoral care, not just the size of the school. My DS has just started at a relatively large private school, but it's well known locally for its excellent pastoral care, and that's why we chose it. There're only 12 kids in his tutor group, they put a lot of effort into the social side of induction, and when we've emailed his tutor, we've had an answer within 24h. His head of year also told all first-year parents to email her if we had any concerns about our DC's social wellbeing, and that her team would discreetly intervene to make sure no one was being left alone or unhappy. So definitely worth exploring the full range of what schools are available locally, rather than assuming that small = friendly and big = scarier!

I’m very quiet and introverted and I HATED my small indie. I thrived when I went to a massive 6th form college and found a small group of similar people. I had a year group of 40 at school and there was nowhere to hide and nothing to do. Not enough people for clubs other than a couple of sports ones and I was no good at just hanging out. Too shy. Ds1 is similar to me and went to an 8 form entry comp. he had the group of friends at 11 that I didn’t get until 16. He could go to board game club and “documentary club” (watching tv at lunchtime) and other things that you didn’t need a pal to go along to and the span of kids with different needs meant the pastoral care was great. My school had the attitude that you passed the exam and your parents could afford the fees so what problems could you possibly have,

Thank you everyone! I am reading with interest. Lots of these comments allaying my fears about a big school for a shy child!

I will have a look at all the options, too, without making a judgment immediately. Being in London means there are lots of private options, but tiny catchment areas mean there’s probably only one state option.

I actually don’t know how many form entry the local secondary is - this is how much I had taken for granted that it would be the school for DS!

Out of interest, is there a numbers-per-year sweet spot? Good for making friends and doing clubs? But not too enormous?!

We moved house when DS was in Y4/5 and I was really put off the house we ended up moving to because the primary fed into. massive secondary school. DS was a very shy, quiet and quirky child and I couldn't imagine him in it.

However, one of my friends who is a teacher said he would be better off in a huge secondary as he would find other children like him, and she was absolutely right. He found lots of like minded boys in Y7.

Can you get a sense from other people re specific schools in your area?

Eg someone with an older similarly shy child who is already there and see if they like it

Or do a thread on specific schools and ask who they are good for.

Big secondaries can work fine during lessons and when at clubs - but the test is what happens before school, at break and at lunch. From a behaviour point of view and also practicalities of how quickly you can buy lunch, sit down somewhere. Some big schools seem to manage this well in various ways - separate break areas for y7s, a range of hang out spaces, staggered lunch queuing etc. Some have very short breaks and lunches to manage the situation, which I’m not so keen on. So that would be what I would ask about, to get a feel for whether ‘big’ is an issue or not.

I have a shy DD and currently looking at secondary schools. Also zone 2 London. I've been pleasantly surprised by the range of schools and the quality of the pastoral care at the state schools I've looked at. I've seen everything from 4 form to 8 form entry. Lots of focus on transition, summer schools etc for kids to get to know each other before school starts. Loads of clubs which DD would be interested in and giving opportunities to find friends.

I would go and have a look at any state schools your DS might get into and see how they feel. You might catch some open days this year, if not go next year, then you can work out if you want to look outside the state sector. He's only year 4, you have loads of time!