Supporting a child if they fail 11+

[Brigittebidet]

I hate the 11+ system and wish we lived in an area that it didn't exist, but we sadly do.

DS took and passed it 2 years ago and then decided he wanted to go to a comp. DD has taken it this year and wants to go to the single sex, grammar nearest us, within walking distance and small. It would, in fairness, do her well.

However, we took the view with both our children that if they passed it with minimal tutoring then they would be fine if they got there and wouldn't struggle. DD has had minimal tutoring (DH who is a teacher, did it with her once a week for six months) and I fear, given the competition from parents who have had their DDs tutored twice a week for 3 years (I kid you not) she will have no chance of getting through. She will be very disappointed. Please help me prepare her for this and help her get through the disappointment.

And, no, maybe in retrospect, we shouldn't haven't let her/encouraged her to do it but we are where we are.

it's horrible isn't it. i'm in the same boat. DD1 got into the 'good school' with minimal tutoring, and now I'm worried that if DD2 doesn't, she will feel like a failure.

All I can do is talk up all the options & keep telling DD2 that all the possible schools are good choices etc.

DS passed with only help from me and his friend who was tutored every week since year 4 and whose mum is a head teacher didn’t, so it is perfectly possible!

DS sat the entrance exam for the local super-selective last month and didn’t make the cut. We’d told him all along that if he didn’t get in then it wasn’t the right school for him, and he seems okay with that. Helps none of his friends from school scored high enough either.

I think you’re in a good position in that your son obviously felt it wasn’t the right school for him; presumably he can talk up the comp and she’ll have the reassurance of going to the same school as her brother if the grammar doesn’t work out.

The area we live in is unusual for grammars. It's not a traditional grammar area, so the chances of getting in are very low indeed compared to other grammar areas. I think students have around a 6-7% chance of sitting the test and getting a space. They have a 35-40% chance of passing, but there are nowhere near enough spaces to accommodate all those who hit the pass mark.

We've managed DS's expectations from the start and explained to him that because there are so many children who sit the test the school has a lot of choice. They have devised the tests to help them select the children who learn best in the style they like to teach. If you don't get a space it's not because you're not smart, but because the way your brain learns is better suited to the way a different school teaches and it's our job as a family to help him find the school that fits him best.

I think it's really helpful that a brother made the passmark but chose to go the comp.

I think it's best to tell the truth, namely that, yes, this matters, but only a tiny bit, it's a very small setback. Get this message across both before and after the results come out.

There is absolutely no need to tell them they failed. You generally do the school application before the results arrive anyway.

Just say they weren't offered a place on the national offer day. Lots of children will get above the mark but still not get a place.

@lunar1

There is absolutely no need to tell them they failed. You generally do the school application before the results arrive anyway.

Just say they weren't offered a place on the national offer day. Lots of children will get above the mark but still not get a place.

Of course it would be unhelpful to use the word 'fail'.

Also, for many places, the results arrive before school applications are submitted. Families in many parts of the country receive 11 plus scores during the first two weeks of October, before the application deadline of end October. In the West Midlands we will receive one set of results today or tomorrow, and the other in a week's time, and will tailor the school choices based on those results.

Many children like to know 'facts'. Our DD knows that there is a 'qualifying' score (which is effectively the 'pass' mark) and that every year there are fewer places available than children reaching the qualifying score, and therefore it's quite common to 'pass' but not get into any grammars. She knows what the qualifying score is, and the likely mark she'd need to have a good chance of a place in each of her local grammars. She has been involved in the whole process from the start, and will want to review her results, and understand what they mean.

Our DD was also involved in the decisions about how much preparation to do. She was happy to do workbooks at home rather than have a tutor, and she knows that if she misses out very narrowly, this might be why. She is also very happy with our local comprehensive school, as are we.

National offer day isn't until 1st March. How could you tell a child that took a test in September that they have to wait until March to find out anything about how they got on, when their friends will be talking about it at school? Today/tomorrow our DD will know whether she definitely will or won't get a place at grammar, or whether she is borderline and will have to wait until March.

I told my DD that I would let her know if she was offered a place. If she wasn't then it wasn't the right school for her.
She went to a tutor for 90 minutes a week for about 9 months. It was useful as her primary school had a very poor Ofsted report for teaching maths and she was well behind other kids of her age through no fault of her own.
She's at the grammar school now and enjoying it.

There wasn't a big gap between 11+ results and school offers

@Brigittebidet Better to be the family who took a light touch with the exam prep vs the poor child who has been tutored for hours a week for the last three years if she doesn’t make the grade.

I mean, how do you explain to the child that even with all the hours of their childhood they were forced to sacrifice, they are still not “good enough” and won’t be getting the iPhone they were promised if they passed - which is exactly what happened to my daughters friend.

We didn’t tutor as I didn’t want to create a situation where she would struggle in a grammar environment. She’s naturally bright and self motivated and would do well wherever. She passed. I think the low pressure approach to the exam actually helps children.

So, if you are in a full grammar area then have faith in the system. A bright child can pass with a little prep and not hours of never ending work. If she doesn’t pass it just means it’s not the right school for her. She has a great comp she can go to with her brother. I agree it’s helpful that he chose to not go to the grammar.

Rejection is part of life I’m afraid. But you are not defined by the results of a one off test you sat aged 10/11. Be honest but pragmatic and she’ll be fine.

My DS1 is in yr6 and about to do the ISEB pretest. Not exactly the same …but I have really taken the angle of ‘the test is about finding the right school for you, where you will be happiest’ rather than pass/fail/doing well or not.
Make it clear you think both schools are good options , even if you really would prefer the grammar, in case that isn’t an option in the end.

Thanks all, I appreciate the perspective. Some parents seem to go a little bit bonkers about it - apparently one girl in DD's class has been offered a puppy if she passes, which DD thinks is horrifying (this may well hyperbole, I'm not taking DD's word for this - although I know the family and wouldn't be 100% surprised!).

I think it would be a lot easier if DS had settled at the comp but he's not 100% happy.... I question the decision every day. Sigh.

For those saying/asking about results - we got those in a week or so and then have to decide on schools by 31st October so school choices will very much be based on the results.

We haven't used the word fail, and won't. It's not a failure. As I keep saying to her, she's more than a number and she'll be fine wherever she goes.

Just by way of an update. She got through. There are 240 places available and she is well within the 240. She is not however, within the 120 which means you get your pick of the two schools. She wants to go to the smaller, less academic one, which is usually less sought after, but we now have to wait until March. Anyway, from her point of view she should be happy and very proud of herself, particularly given the lack of tutoring.

Well done!