Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Flip

Original poster

DC unhappy at sought after school - Y10

21 replies

unhappyatschool · 08/10/2021 23:26

Our DC started Y10 at really sought after 14-19 school

DC was at a perfectly OK secondary school that was OFSTED Good in Y7 but was put into Requires improvement in Y8, new Head started things started to look up... but covid... DC was performing well, top sets for everything, nice bunch of friends - all was good.

We were never pushy parents and DC didn't do the Saturday morning performing arts classes. But DC did every school performance possible, did drama clubs at school, was doing LAMDA classes at school and joined a community theatre group.

DC wanted to go to a fairly well known performing arts school and did the application pretty much unaided, and definitely drove it all but we didn't discourage it.

I am only explaining this because it was DCs idea and something DC wanted.

DC was lucky and was offered a place to start Y10 - but has been sad ever since - misses the old school terribly - says that they never actually expected to get in and applied for fun.... DC goes back to the old school every Friday as new school finishes earlier and sees all the old friends.

DC has been selected for a sports team in the new school and has made friends - and is on the surface happy - but still wants to back in the old school.

We aren't really entertaining the idea of returning to the old school as unlikely that they will offer decent GCSE options if transferring now and the new school offers so much more opportunity. But DC keeps asking how we can apply, can I email the head to see if there is a chance of going back.

We think that DC was a quirky, odd, interesting child in the old school, was top sets for everything and was articulate with a solid group of friends. Now it is different, the new school is full of quirky, odd, interesting articulate kids with opinions and DC no longer stands out. In the old school DC would get achievement/house points almost daily and would get end of term certificates for getting so many. DC hasn't had a single one in the new school even though friends have.

Has anyone had experience of settling a miserable 14 yearly who is looking backwards? DC will not entertain the idea of us speaking to the school.

We keep asking DC to persevere with it and that we can change at 6th form - but all DC talks about is going back to the old school.

Maybe we should listen to DC and speak to the old school about returning? Maybe we should bribe DC to stay? we're at a loss - hate seeing DC miserable but this is an amazing opportunity...

Guess I am looking for reassurance and teenager management tips... advice... something

OP posts:

DinkyDaisy · 09/10/2021 05:15

Not saying this is the right decision as he may just need time to settle.
However, practically, he has only been half-term in the new school.
Could he catch up if an option of going back?

Having said that, there are times when I contact a school whether my children like it or not. I feel this might be a time for you to do so. The new school need to know he is unhappy before they can support effectively.

NiceTwin · 09/10/2021 05:20

I would try to get her back in the old school.
She won't be passing any GCSE's if she is too miserable to study.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/10/2021 05:24

If how they feel can't be fixed then amazing opportunity on pair or not they won't thrive. Its tricky isn't it though as no one can know whether giving it a good chance and time to settle they might be flying... Or not. Only time will tell, so meanwhile you need to know your options.
Enquire with old school what the gcse options would be if they went back.
Contact new school and see if more support could be given.
This could be one of those times when dc needs to push through perseverence=reward kind of thing, but so hard to judge what to do for the best when mental health is at stake. Could you try to get to the bottom of it with dc, would they agree that being part of crowd and less recognition is the issue? Maybe then they could find new ways to feel validated / worthwhile which might build resilience

Citygirl2019 · 09/10/2021 05:30

My DD went to a sought after 14-18 school. A number of the DC did not settle in the first half term and returned to their old schools.

My DD decided that she no longer wanted to follow the vocation post 16 and returned to her old school for 6th form.

She loved years 10 & 11 at the new school and had they offered a full range of A levels would of stayed there.

I would approach the old school and ask if she could return in your situation. Until you do this you won't know if you have a decision to make.

AlexaShutUp · 09/10/2021 05:33

I would at least enquire about gcse options at the old school. Then make a decision from there.

Don't underestimate the value of a teenager feeling happy and comfortable in their environment. Other things seem to fall into place if they're happy, but everything falls apart when they're not.

cricketjoys85 · 09/10/2021 06:59

My dd's friend went to the school I think you are taking about, yes it's full of quirky individuals. Have you shown your dc the current school A level options v old school options? If they don't care & just want to go back to their old school I would let them. They can follow an arts based career at uni.

cockneysparra1 · 09/10/2021 07:13

I am a performing arts teacher at a very similar secondary school to your DCs original one. We have a similar Performing Arts school very local to us and I often loose y10 pupils to it, only to have them come back a few months later. I honestly don't rate the school at all and know a few teachers who have worked there who don't rate it either.

I think you already see the issue. At their old school your DC had started to carve out their individual identity amongst their peers. At this new school, they are all competing to be the 'best'. I would let your child go back to their original school.

As an aside. A child's 14-16 education will have no impact on their Performing Arts university destination. If your DC wanted to go to one of the top Drama schools it makes no difference at all if they come from a mainstream or a school that has declared itself to be a performing arts academy.

Original poster

unhappyatschool · 09/10/2021 11:54

DinkyDaisy
Having said that, there are times when I contact a school whether my children like it or not. I feel this might be a time for you to do so. The new school need to know he is unhappy before they can support effectively.

maybe we should contact the school - they seem to have a very active pastoral care team - perhaps they can support without letting on we contacted them.

TopCatsTopHat
Could you try to get to the bottom of it with dc, would they agree that being part of crowd and less recognition is the issue? Maybe then they could find new ways to feel validated / worthwhile which might build resilience

thanks - this is what we thought - perhaps it is good for DC to understand that being a big fish in a little pond doesn't happen that often and DC needs to learn to be a fish. But maybe we should talk about it as a daily and see if they understand this may be part of the issue.

cockneysparra1
I am a performing arts teacher at a very similar secondary school to your DCs original one. We have a similar Performing Arts school very local to us and I often loose y10 pupils to it, only to have them come back a few months later

if you're in South East London - maybe the same schools .

thank you an interesting perspective from a teacher - DC thinking ore mainstream options at University and we were careful with the GCSE options to make sure that DC wasn't painting themselves into a performing arts corner.

Thanks all - think we will have a good chat with DC, tentatively enquire with the old school to see if it is even a possibility anyway. Will also speak to new school to see if they can keep an eye on DC.

OP posts:

filthycop · 11/10/2021 01:24

DS has just started at BRIT school and isn't loving it - wants to go back to his old school.

EllieNBeeb · 11/10/2021 08:11

What does he feel he wants to do with his life? You've written about big fish syndrome, if he wants to perform, the feeling he's feeling now is only going to get worse, but if that's what he wants to do, staying at this school is a benefit. If this just a hobby and he just wants to build self esteem by feeling cooler than others temporarily... University is going to bring back the same feelings he's got now, it will be better for him to just power through it now than fail then because he's feeling unseen again. It sounds like his old school was a bit too fluffy and generous with positive reinforcement/rewards and is setting these kids up for a harsh reality when they enter the real world.

titchy · 11/10/2021 09:47

You have allowed your dc to paint themselves into a corner though by moving to a PA school.

Your dc was a very young teen when they decided their life ambition was to perform. Now faced with the reality of the lifestyle, it's ok at 14 for them to change their mind. Move them back.

Lockdowndramaqueen · 11/10/2021 16:42

@filthycop what’s not working for your dc at Britt?

leavesthataregreen · 11/10/2021 16:55

I'd chat to the Head of the old school and see if they can find a space.
I wouldn't want a child to go to a performing arts school unless their heart was absolutely set on acting, and they were a really strong singer and dancer as well. It's a notoriously oversubscribed, impoverished profession.

Comefromaway · 11/10/2021 19:01

If your child is at another school beginning with B that isn’t Brit, then I don’t overly rate it.

My dd spent 8 years at vocational school and apart from the last two years (new management) was very happy but if you can access performing arts training/youth theatre out of school then enquire about moving back. Being happy and feeling comfortable is very important.

Comefromaway · 11/10/2021 19:03

When dd went to vocational school we said that if she ever wanted to change her mind, she could apart from mid GCSE’s.

ChateauMargaux · 11/10/2021 19:50

Speak to their mentor at school. Do you think there are things that could change to make them feel more at home? Is there a guidance counsellor they could talk to? Before they turn their back, they should make sure it's really not what they want and that they can get what they need at their old school, but I wouldn't rule it out just yet.

Jumpalicious · 12/10/2021 08:04

Could this be one of those occasions where it hurts at first but is really worth persevering? Your child is getting a baptism of fire in their potential future area. I’d need to do a whole load of research into the school to understand whether worth preserving with.
Fwiw, my child has just started at a very academic school, and misses being top of the class in everything, having an easy time, etc etc. It’s been a challenge so far (and one I’d not anticipated). But it may be the making of him. If not, I’d also pull him out. In your case, you have a school they can go back to.
Their mental health/happiness etc is so important as you and everyone here is indicating.

SE13Mummy · 12/10/2021 09:43

It's definitely worth contacting the new school and asking for their advice - it won't be the first time a Y10 student has joined them and found it hard to settle. Ask the new school not to let your DC know that you'd been in touch if need be, especially as part of the problem seems to be that they're feeling unnoticed. At the same time, contact the old school and ask about the likelihood of being able to transfer back. If there is space, what GCSE subjects will be able to accommodate them, will they be in the same form group as before etc.? If it turns out that there's space but not in the original form and they won't be able to do drama and music as the spaces are in food tech. and economics, it's useful to know at this stage.

SeasonFinale · 12/10/2021 09:54

Does the old school even have a place for them still? They may have replaced them with an in year admission. That would be the first thing to check before making promises you can't actually keep.

Original poster

unhappyatschool · 18/10/2021 23:07

Hi - sorry stuff happened and I wasn't able to come back here - long gone and out of your minds now but didn't want to seem rude.

So, as with so many things to do with raising children - this was a huge issue and the cause of many tears and upset.... but, not so bad now... so leaving everything as it is. Staying at the new school - was even contemplating 6th form the other day.

OP posts:

Lockdowndramaqueen · 19/10/2021 23:16

@unhappyatschool - lovely to get an update. Hope it all works out.

Flip