Who gets final say over secondary school preference?

[longestlurkerever]

So my dd and I have come up with our shortlist of 3 schools together taking into account each other's criteria (hers mainly distance and feel, mine mainly performance and safety). When it comes to the order of preference, her first choice would probably be my third.

Her reason for preference is her bff is likely to go there and it's the nearest (though they're all just about walkable or one bus, we've ruled out anything further away and they're all decent schools - good or outstanding ofsted, between 0.4 and 0.8 progress 8 and 0.49 and 0.59 attainment 8). Hers has the lowest scores of the three. It is, though, the only one we are guaranteed to get a place at so I certainly don't want to rubbish it as an option in her eyes, and I'm sure it would be fine.

Do I put down her preference first, knowing we will definitely get it and be ruled out of consideration for the other 2, or do I try to talk her into putting the others ahead of it? Or, third option, nod and smile at her preferred option but put it down as third preference, knowing that it's extremely unlikely we'd be offered one of the others on offer day and defer the conversation to if and when we get offered a waiting list place? Latter feels sensible but a bit of a betrayal.

I suppose what I'm asking is what weight did you put on your child's primary friendships in making a secondary school choice? Dd has struggled with friendships a bit in the past and is actively looking to make more friends in secondary. Part of me thinks it could be a mistake having one good friend in her new school as she might not dive into making other new friends, and she could still see current bff out of school but on the other hand I don't want that backfiring and her ending up with no good friends at school at all, or her being scared all year about the prospect of secondary school, as she's currently quite positive about it.

I think I'm leaning towards letting her have final say but is that silly?

Have you sat down together and looked at the GCSE options? This was the deciding factor for us. A lot of schools only offer one out of geography or history (the school DS has just started does both), they may only offer one foreign language, and actually a lot of good grades at our nearest school were for btecs not full GCSEs. While I know btecs are great for some, we didn't really want the vocational route. So do have a look at the detail rather than the headline scores. The two schools we chose between on paper looked very similar but underneath offered very different types of education

Hi this is a very familiar dilemma. I think you are right to push your agenda - you have a perspective that a 10 y.o. or 11 y o. cannot have. My DD was impressed by every secondary school she saw!

If your DD hasnt been able to see your first choice this is a HUGE problem I think, and makes the decision-making skewed. Call the school and explain you desperately want to bring DD for a quick look round the school, can it be arranged please?
Most secondary schools will at least try to squeeze you in, if you agree to be flexible timing-wise.

Even if her BFF is going she may not be in same class so only see her at breaks this happened to my DD she is with one girl from her old primary class but they seemed to split up BFF and only say you will be with at least one child from your previous class in primary provided you aren't the only child from that school

@PennyWus

Hi this is a very familiar dilemma. I think you are right to push your agenda - you have a perspective that a 10 y.o. or 11 y o. cannot have. My DD was impressed by every secondary school she saw!

If your DD hasnt been able to see your first choice this is a HUGE problem I think, and makes the decision-making skewed. Call the school and explain you desperately want to bring DD for a quick look round the school, can it be arranged please?
Most secondary schools will at least try to squeeze you in, if you agree to be flexible timing-wise.

I could try. Some schools haven't had open days at all this year and others have got big waiting lists for the limited tours they're offering. It's been a massive obstacle - I had intended to generate this shortlist last year or even start to look around in y4 but neither was an option.

I think it's more likely they'd take pity on me and squeeze me in if we are holding an offer for one school and they ring up to say we are now being offered a waiting list place for the other. And I really do think that unless something very weird happens (which I can't rule our because of covid meaning some people have left london but didn't have a big impact last year) that we'll be offered her preference school on offer day and stay on the waiting list for the others.

I'm reassured by everyone thinking the scores sound good/much of a muchness. Her preference school is under-subscribed and her classmates are leaving the area/going private/jumping through hoops to get into selective schools far away, which does make me wobble a bit but as far as I can see they're all decent options.

We placed alot of weight on where dd would be happy as she already had freinds going there. She's had school related anxiety previously so getting her over the threshold was the main aim. She made alot of new freinds when there but helped the pre-transition nerves knowing she'd know people.

Have you spoken to your head teacher. Mine was brilliant. I rang him as we decided to appeal an offer but he absolutely reassured me about our offered place and gave me so much advice about an appeal.

I would never had thought to speak to him about a dilemma like your but I have no doubt he would have helped. Alternatively her class teacher?

On the dilemma itself, I would let her choose but advise all you like. My DS was like a different boy when he got his place at the school he wanted. It went from dread and fear to excitement and positivity. I think especially important for your DD to be in the right headspace if she has struggled with friendships. Then the good pastoral care is also an influencer.

It's really hard! Good luck.

I used to be a year 7/8 form tutor, and girls' friendships were a nightmare in the second half of year 7. The school's policy was that they should be with their primary school friends. By halfway through the year, friendships would be beginning to shift, and when someone had a new best friend, their old one would be distraught.
So you might want to talk to your daughter about the fact that most people make new friends at secondary, and although it's great to have her friend there at the start, how would she feel if her friend makes a new friend?

(Some secondaries aren't so keen to keep best friends together., but most would make sure that if there are only two/three from the same school, they are together.)

On the other hand, if she's nervous overall it might be good to be sure that there will be at least someone else she knows.

Don't knock the proximity argument.

If the sixth form might close because it's small, then it may be that relatively few teachers were actually teaching sixth form, and so most will be unaffacted by that. It's perhaps more likely that people leave because they don't like the new head's style, although a good head making changes would find ways to keep staff on board. If I was going to an open evening, I think I'd be asking staff/pupils what changes there have been since the new head, and trying to read between the lines to work out whether staff are happy or not!

Thanks Lanthanum. Useful perspective!

I would say that let alone in Y7, friendships change over the course of Y6. We ended up putting a grammar school first - late exams last year so no way of knowing if she would get a place -, my choice of local girls school second ,& school where BFFs were going 3rd. We were offered or second choice and over the course of the year, she became closer to one of the girls who was going there. They all mature at such different rates at this age, and a couple of her old friends were getting more interested in boys which DD definitely wasn't. By the time summer came, she was offered a place at school 1 where she know no-one but was fine to take it, as I think she could see how her original friendships groups were fracturing anyway with everyone going separate ways. It sounds like your DD may be in a similar situation, particularly if some are going to private or moving away.