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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Any tips on how to ensure normal parent teacher interactions when teachers are my colleagues?

9 replies

pretpolly · 15/08/2021 23:02

I am a secondary school teacher and year 7 tutor. From September my dear son will be attending my school. He will not be in my tutor group but it is quite likely that I will teach him at some point in the year as part of the general studies programme. I have spoken to him about this and he seems to be OK about it.

My dilemma is how to maintain a normal parent/ teacher relationship with his teachers as well as a colleagues relationship.

I have seen how some other colleagues have done it - looking up their child's details on the school systems, having little chats about their boy etc which I dont want to do. Any tips in how I can put unto practice the separation of the the two roles? And any tips on how to deal with his friends etc out of school?

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Sittinginthesand · 16/08/2021 06:56

I’ve had a child in the same school as I teach in. There are disadvantages as well as advantages so my tip would be that it probably balances out and not to worry about it! The only awkwardness I found was with the parents of my dcs friends- I wanted to have a professional relationship with them and not be friends so it’s tricky with WhatsApp groups etc. I wouldn’t worry too much about your colleagues - they are professionals too and on the same side!

lannistunut · 16/08/2021 07:04

I went through this in secondary, it is claustrophibic. I would have said I didn't mind too at the outset, but it was hard and got worse as I got older because it means you have no privacy over things like relationships or fall outs.

If you really feel this is the only option - you'll have to be scrupulous about not looking anything up, don't speak to him in school except about your specific subject matters unless he really is fine with it (presumably not everyone hates it as much as I did) and try not to be too friendly with his friends if they ever come to the house.

autumnboys · 16/08/2021 07:12

I recently started work as an administrator in the same secondary my kids attend. There is a specific policy regarding the treatment of staff children, I think because they have staff children quite high on the admissions criteria. It’s quite helpful. Does your school have one, or would they be open to writing one?

borntobequiet · 16/08/2021 07:31

Both my children attended the school I taught in. It really wasn’t an issue, we all just behaved normally. There were no or only very minor issues with their friends either (one of my son’s friends, whom I taught, decided that she hated me for about three months, but then made up with me spectacularly and tearfully one day when I said something nice to her).
In part this may have been because it was a number of years ago when teacher/parent/pupil relationships were easier going, there were a number of pupils whose parents were teachers at the school and my kids were generally bright and well-behaved. One of my colleagues, however, had a daughter in my own daughter’s year who was very problematic - but colleagues and fellow pupils alike were sympathetic and supportive of my colleague. My advice is to not expect problems but if they occur to deal with them pragmatically.

I found it a positive experience overall that gave me very valuable insights into the complex dynamic of school/home relationships.

TeenMinusTests · 16/08/2021 08:35

Do you have a partner?
Can your partner be 'in charge' of his education ie the one to attend parents evening, email teachers if needed etc? Would that help?

744255user · 16/08/2021 08:43

NC as this is reasonably outing. We have experienced this twice, at primary (my school) and at secondary (DH's school). Overall, what I would say is that it's generally fine with staff, but can be tricky with parents. Primary was much harder for us in this regard, for two reasons - first, because relationships between parents are much closer at primary, and second because I was a parent at the school before I worked there, which meant I'd already developed friendships with the other parents. I won't go into detail as it's less relevant to your current situation, but suffice to say it became really quite awkward and claustrophobic, and contributed to me moving schools. (This was all about parent relationships. The relationship with staff was completely fine - I basically didn't talk about my kids at school, never saw them that much, and never sought any special treatment for them. If anything it brought a few benefits, like it being easier to nip into assemblies etc - only stuff that parents were invited to attend (again, strictly not seeking any special treatment), but things that I might otherwise have found it hard to get time off work for).

At secondary, it's been far easier. Partly this is because secondary schools are bigger, and parents have far, far less contact with other parents. DH has never taught either of the kids (only the odd cover lesson), though it's possible it could happen later in. They basically ignore each other when they do walk past each other at school. The other kids have gradually come to know that the kids' dad works at the school, but it hasn't been a problem for them. DH never goes to parent events except if he's there in an official capacity - he wants to have no personal relationship with other parents whatsoever. If there are parent events we want to go to, then I go alone - I'm able to be perfectly friendly and chatty with other parents, but I'm always very aware that I'm quasi-staff, so always remain a bit careful what I say. With other teachers, DH has never found it a problem - his colleagues might occasionally make a brief mention of one of the kids (normally in a slightly amusing anecdote kind of way), but it never really goes beyond that. As well as the parent social events, I usually go to parents' evenings alone, as DH feels that's less awkward for the other teachers - though sometimes he has come too and it's been fine - he's very good at switching between parent and colleague mode. He tries to be scrupulous about not looking up the kids' marks etc, although occasionally he has to see things as part of data reviews etc.

So, I would say it's perfectly doable at secondary, but you need to be scrupulous. If your colleagues start to over-share stuff about your son, I would politely rebuff it in a way that makes it clear that you don't want to be a parent while you're at work. With parents, avoid any WA groups etc like the plague. Do you have a DP who can do the 'parent bit' instead of you? That has made things far easier for us, as 'we' can still feel involved in what's going on, without feeling like we're blurring the boundaries.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/08/2021 08:45

DH and DS are at the same school - DH has been able to arrange it so that he doesn't teach DS's year group each year which has really helped. If you have concerns about how DS is getting on, go through normal channels or get his other parent to contact the school rather than just grabbing "teacher X" for a quick chat - as a teacher who has taught numerous staff kids, I can tell you that that can become really annoying! If I have concerns about a staff child, I always contact their form tutor first just as I would with any other pupil, for example.

DS's friends have managed the school/home separation REALLY well - have never taken advantage of knowing DH in both roles and manage to call him FirstName out of school and Mr X in school with no bother.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/08/2021 08:47

Ask the other teachers to only mention things to you that they would talk to other parents about. For example, child being told to stop talking in class, or other minor telling off, doesn't merit a mention. The only exception to this was when I was shown something hilarious in my daughter's diary that made me out to be a drunk (I'm not).

pretpolly · 16/08/2021 22:19

Thanks for all these replies - maybe I have been overthinking it and worrying unnecessarily!

Good tips about using partner as the main contact for school stuff and parents evenings etc. I'm not really a fan of the Whatsapp groups etc anyway (although maybe they would be a good source of gossip etc on colleagues! I will direct husband to join them)

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