Son unhappy with secondary allocation

[GingeAndTonic]

Hi. I wonder whether others have experienced this. My son was allocated a school that he really doesn’t want to go to. We’d added it to our list because although there wasn’t an open day last autumn (obviously) the online presentation looked ok. Despite it being the furthest away, he was allocated a place. No one else in his school will be attending this secondary and it is a fair distance to travel, into central London. He seemed to be ok. We even got them to arrange a tour, and although he was open about preferring to go to his favoured school, he seemed resigned if not happy.

We had to attend an admin evening today and he was suddenly so upset and overwhelmed that his dad had to take him home. He has a transition day next week and I’m hoping that might make him feel ok again, but I’m now worried that it will make things worse. iChat do you do if your child does not want to go to his allocated school? Is there anything you can do? Has anyone else been in this situation?

We appealed to two other schools we’d placed in a higher preference, but to no avail, and the closest school to us has him 65 on their waiting list.

Sorry, first world problems I know, but he’s distraught and it’s really upset me.

Thank you if you made it this far.

In my experience of working in schools, the vast majority of children will make friends and will be absolutely fine. I've had children crying at the gates on the first day because they want to go to the same school as their friends are going to. A week later they were walking about with a big group of new friends. Your son is just worried which is normal. He has to go.

My son cried the whole way through the summer holidays. It took 3 days and he was fine

Try and get him to put it to one side until Sept. Have a pact to review how he feels after his first 2 weeks. Big it up. He'll be fine

When I was a teenager this happened to me - There was no way I was going to go to my allocated school- I went to a faith primary school & so my mum wrote to the local faith secondary school (where all my friends were going) & contacted the head of my then current primary school & managed to get me in! Could this be a possibility? (It probably would only work with a faith school & this was 30 years ago, but still worth a shot) I am now a teacher myself and although children usually settle in well, there are a few that just don’t & do end up moving on. Maybe give the transition day a go & see how he feels afterwards? Also constantly call the schools where he is on the waiting list as there is a lot of movement over the summer. Good luck

my mum wrote to the local faith secondary school (where all my friends were going) & contacted the head of my then current primary school & managed to get me in! Could this be a possibility?

Even with a faith school that wouldn't work today. There are strict rules around admissions. These are binding on all schools, including faith schools.

Yes this was 30 years ago. I thought as much about admissions nowadays being much stricter.

I just feel so powerless. He’s not had a great year, but this something that I can’t make better. He switches from weepy to angry and opens up less and less about his feelings. I tell him everything will be fine, that he’s not alone, and this is normal, but I just don’t think he believes me.

@GingeAndTonic

I just feel so powerless. He’s not had a great year, but this something that I can’t make better. He switches from weepy to angry and opens up less and less about his feelings. I tell him everything will be fine, that he’s not alone, and this is normal, but I just don’t think he believes me.

Our son is reacting almost identically to yours.

He doesn't want to go to allocated school, would rather anywhere else. We had a disappointment in that he didn't get into preferred school, nor was our appeal successful.

Now, we are trying to talk up the allocated school but he's just not interested at all, he doesn't want to go there. He's been saying this since March so I don't think he'll change his mind either.

bex12345. I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation.

We put ours on the list but couldn’t visit beforehand. Now, with his strong reaction, I found myself reacting in sympathy. Had we been to an open day, we probably wouldn’t have selected it. It’s not an awful school, just it doesn’t fit somehow. Given the remarkable events were all experienced for the last year, we can’t be the only family experiencing this, but most of his classmates seem to have been allocated their first or second choice. I just wish there was someone in an official position with whom I could talk. It feels like ‘like it or lump it’. The appeals process has made it worse. The attitude seems to be, your son doesn’t like his allocated school? Tough. And although all the school on our list were closer than the one allocated - in most cases within a mile, we were told we lived too far away, where as our allocated school is 4 miles away. None of it makes any sense. I wish there was something I could do.

Sorry. I know I’m moaning, but it feels so isolating.

I’m being positive to my son, but I wish there was some way I could help.

Tbh it doesn’t help that after the year they’ve had they all seem to be exhausted, mine is happy with his school but would prefer it if everyone he knew was going (children from his school are going to at least 6 different ones). We keep having little outbursts about that. I think it’s more the fear of the unknown and I think all you can do is listen and agree it’s scary and it a bit crap, but you will continue to be there and let’s just see how it goes.

How popular is your catchment school if the nearest school too you has you 65th on the list?! 😱

It’s tough OP, you just want the best for your son understandably. All you can do is be extremely positive about the new school. He’s probably really scared about not knowing anyone & that’s very understandable. Hopefully his transition day will help.. encourage him to swap numbers with kids in his form or chat to him and then they can message over the holidays and maybe even meet up? And then try to have a lovely summer with him, take his mind off it.

After a week or so in September, he’ll have new mates & I imagine all will be well 🙏🏼

Oh goodness me - we had some wobbles on the way to secondary transition. The transition day was awful for ds. I got in touch with his form tutor and she was great on day one, and the head of year helped him out on Y2 and literally it’s been plain sailing ever since. But we had a very anxious summer. Do get in touch with the school to tell them your ds is worried. The Y7 staff will be quite used to this and be able to help.

We found ourselves in this same situation recently with our DD. She didn’t get allocated our first choice which was the same secondary her 3 older siblings went to - just missed out on distance by less than a mile and nearest older sibling left last year unfortunately so she was further down the criteria.
We appealed but were unsuccessful and she was put on the waiting list but it’s unrealistic that 6 others will drop out before September.
The school she was allocated she really dislikes and has been so distressed about going to. Also for reasons connected to my job it is not a sensible option for her either. I don’t teach there but have a lot of professional contact with the school and a number of pupils there which would be a conflict of interest.
Her allocated school wasn’t able to come up with a reasonable plan to safeguard her and their response was very much “we’ll see how things work out shall we ?” Which wasn’t acceptable to us.
So after much deliberation and heart searching we’ve looked elsewhere and gone down the private school route. It’s not something we ever imagined having to do but we feel it is in her best interests and we’ve found a school she fell in love with and will hopefully thrive in.
I appreciate it’s not a solution for everyone and we are very lucky to be able to afford it although it means extending our mortgage which we were 2 years from paying off.
Time will tell if we’ve made the correct decision but we now have a DD who is very happy and looking forward to starting secondary school rather than dreading it which was the case a couple of months ago.

Do you have nearer schools that you didn't name on your preference form?

65 seems awfully far down if this school was your nearest - especially non London where they is lots of choice of schools.

Don’t panic and see how it goes. My DD campaigned much of Year 6 and for half of Year 7 to go to a grammar her 2 closest Primary friends were going too (my DH has very strong feelings about the 11+ and had vetoed her taking it & therefore it was never even a possibility that this would happen for her). She started her school with not the best mindset and was quite determined I think not to like it - now coming to the end of Year 8, she has good friends and is doing really well.

Truthfully it might I think take him a while to settle and reconcile (2 weeks after starting he may feel exactly the same). I think I’d review the situation after he’d been there a year and then take a view on things then.

@Hersetta427

Do you have nearer schools that you didn't name on your preference form?

65 seems awfully far down if this school was your nearest - especially non London where they is lots of choice of schools.

Closest school doesn't mean school they are most likely to get into. It depends on the admissions criteria. For years (the pupil demographic has changed since), you could only get into our local secondary school if you lived in the defined catchment and went to a feeder school. At one point there were around 60 more in catchment children more than there were places.

but London doesn't have defined catchments and aside from siblings /SEN etc the main criteria is distance (assuming its not a religious school) so the closer you live, the better the chance of getting in, which is why I asked if there were other nearer schools that the OP didn't list on their CAF.

Ah ok - you confused me by putting "non London" in your previous post (though I did wonder why you thought there was more school choice out of London). I don't think OP has clarified where she lives (I'm thinking it's possible she lives just outside of London as she mentions the allocated school is a fair distance away).

Sorry that was supposed to be in London. Fat fingers and small phone !

Yes, we’re in London. We live just under a kilometre from one of the schools we appealed to, but the furthest away any of the students live is about 800 meters, so we live too far away for my son to get a place. It’s not a faith school. It’s the third closest school to out house. The closest is an all boys, the next is catholic. The only reason we didn’t put the closest one down is because it’s a boys’ school, which my son was dead against, but after attending his transition day, I think he would prefer this option, so I’ve contacted the education department.

The situation around here is horrible. About 40% of the schools are faith schools, another 50% are oversubscribed (including the one we’re now waiting to see if we can get a place at) we chose nearby schools - none further than 3km ans our place on the waiting list are 1. 250, 2. 175, 3. 65 and 4. 140.

So we’re hoping for him to go to the boys’ school. It’s not his ideal, but it’s nearby, it’s a good school, it’s on the small side with only 800 pupils, the administrator i contacted at the school came across really well (genuinely friendly and efficient) and one of his class mates go there - they’re not mates, but he’s a nice kid who says hello when he sees us at the bus stop. And as others have said, it doesn’t have to be forever.

Thanks everyone for your advice and sympathy. I was feeling so low and helpless, and for the first time in months, I feel like there might be some hope.

Thanks and take care.