Secondary decision: conversation re private vs state?

[Poodlesarecool]

Hi,

I’m after some views please! I am mum to 2 boys, both at state primary, both doing well (one being top of class).

I have a decision to make about secondary school. I should say here my hubs and I are both state educated through and through. Both successful, he more than me. We live very comfortably and are very aware of this privilege.

I had always intended to send the boys to good state secondary nearby but I had a telephone chat with an extremely close friend yesterday which has totally shaken me. I have always felt school choices are incredibly personal and there should be no judgment.

So friend basically made uninvited commentary that we should sell our house and downsize to fund the kids through private school. She said that if the children go to state school they’ll be mixing with a “working class demographic” compared to more “elite” demographic at private school (for the record I’m not far off what she’d consider to be a working class background so that stung somewhat. Struck me as very entitled, privileged and divisive). She said that speech and manners, confidence and opportunities are greater at private school. She has friends in Cheshire with a large house and can’t understand why they send their kids to state school, she thinks they should sell their house and downsize and their priorities are wrong. The implication being that our priorities are wrong too.

I was very stung and upset - I felt judged like I was being told I don’t prioritise my children. We had always thought we’d send them to very good state secondary and sort private tutors and supplement their education where needed, and ensure they enjoy a wide range of activities outside of school. This conversation has really shaken me.

Will we really be doing our children a disservice by not sending to private? I do accept the opportunities and environment will be better, but overall academic achievement and lifetime prospects will I be damaging my children’s future?! This is how this conversation left me feeling.

It’s sad too - what’s been said can’t be unsaid. I don’t think she realises the damage she has caused to our friendship.

Just interested to hear if I’m missing something here. Thanks all x

[quote SJaneS49]@merryhouse, I can believe it! People hate DI questionnaires & are suspicious of them for all kinds of reasons.[/quote]
Well it should be blind to any background or circumstance to start with. That is safer than answering to some of the questions above. It should not even be a point of discussion, as someone implied, more information is sometimes dangerous. You can as that for stats but then your decisions on recruiting should be based on neither positive nor negative discrimination.

@Nataliafalka

Bristol didn’t for our state schools I’m afraid. Not a hope

ok thx. know it now.

We made the choice based on the friends group. Most of them had way back suggested they may go private but various marriage breakups etc and the kids themselves put paid to that. Mine wanted to go with their friends. They go to a school I had serious misgivings about but they all doing well mine on track for 5 A band a levels. One parent felt her child didn’t fit so made the choice to go private after a year. So you can always go private. Others have used the money for tutors etc nothing is set in stone.

Agree with everything @Liam436 said
Save your money, stick to state schools

(Apologies to the OP, as this is going off thread & I’m not going to comment further on this). @Coronateachingagain “ your decisions on recruiting should be based on neither positive nor negative discrimination.”.

For a start, it’s my job to provide the best talent to any operation regardless of gender, class, sexuality or race. If however the business has a preponderance of let’s say four toed lemurs and I’m told they have a very strong preference to address this by recruiting a two toed lemur into the role and they state that they will make concessions on experience to get a two toed lemur (and in reality, while they may not say it, it’s unlikely they will appoint anything but a two toed lemur), it becomes part of my job to proactively find two toed lemurs and ensure my final list of lemurs includes a number of appropriately skilled two toed as well as four toed applicants. The final choice between the lemurs and which one is right for the business is entirely up to the business, not me.

On a personal level, I dislike DI questionnaires, they are discriminatory in themselves. I intensely dislike DI briefs that involve me in proactive headhunting activity such as going through LinkedIn focusing on race. Going forward, if more investment was made into attracting wider talent pools at ground level and properly developing and mentoring that talent (as well as being flexible on working arrangements for parents and carers), there will be far less need to address DI issues.

Excuse me as I’ve just woken up and I’m quite sure I could have put this all a lot more coherently (especially when it came to lemurs!). It’s off the OP’s topic, I don’t plan to say anything more on this and would suggest that if anyone does they create a separate thread (as I’m sure this one could run and run!).

Thanks @SJaneS49 - sorry you’re being dragged into this!

Thank you everyone for all your comments and feedback - it’s been very much appreciated during a wobble I had following chat with friend. It’s all been a bit of an eye opener to be honest (I feel I’ve been very naive about it all, or perhaps I am simply idealistic). But thank you to all who have commented but I think it can end here now. Thanks all x

@SJaneS49 I understand what you are saying and that the world in this respect is far from perfect, especially in working environments. My comments were more an aspiration, in the meantime we all need to work with the tools or access we have, however limited.

Separately, good luck OP and I am sure your boys will continue to do well in secondary school!