Moving home for secondary schools

[JenFBS]

Hi all,

I'm trying to process and finding it very difficult, and hoped others could share experiences.

Basically, we'd like to move house as we need more space. The area we live in is a very fashionable area near the city centre that has been gentrified over the last 20 years. I absolutely love it despite it being a little rough round the edges still. It's wealthy but there is an edge to it still and cool bars, cafes and shops. It's the place I moved to after uni, bought my first home, lived with friends, met my now DH, got married, had kids...every big life milestone happened whilst we were here. We're surrounded by a real mix of people with open minds and I feel truly part of the fabric of the place and it's a bit of a liberal haven, and I do like being around like minded people very much.

Our problem is that although the primary schools are great, the secondary schools are not. I think because our area is bordered by not so great suburbs. It sounds awful, but I wouldn't be happy for my kids to go to the high schools here.

There's a possibility they could attend grammar schools in neighbouring suburbs if they pass entrance exams. But no guarantee as we may be too far away, so it's a risk and they may not get a place.

So we are looking at other areas to move to. All very nice with good schools and ironically cheaper than the area we live in as they are further from the city so we could have the detached home of our dreams there. The good schools are there too. Most people would jump at the chance to move there.

Yet I am freaking out about leaving the area I love. and am worried I would pine constantly for it. The areas we are looking at are not so liberal and I feel I'd feel like a fish out of water and not settle. But it would be good for the kids so I am trying to get over it, I'm being selfish by wanting to stay.

Another issue is that we would be near DH's family and as much as I love them, I do like a bit of separation between us as we'd be living in each other's pockets if we moved there. They are very negative and I do like being able to visit them...and then leave! They aren't helpful with kids so that wouldn't be an advantage to living there.

Basically we'd be gaining more space by moving and the good schools. But we'd sacrifice lifestyle, and possibly sanity! Possibly over reacting...I just don't know how to get over it and basically accept that's what we need to do. I love living here, it's funky, laid back, cool and has everything we could want. If we lived there it'd be bog standard shops and cafes, being in the house a lot more instead of nipping down the road to fresh bakery with great coffee.

Living in a Tory stronghold with smaller town thinking and visiting M&S cafe every Saturday doesn't enthuse me. But we probably need to do it for the schools. Has anyone else experienced this and did you get over it once you moved?

I'm not saying I wouldn't sacrifice our lifestyle for kids' futures, I'm just having trouble accepting it.

The only other option would be to stay here, applying for grammar schools in nearby suburbs and hoping they get into one of them. Or sending them to private school which would be a real stretch.

We moved out of South West London (East Sheen) which I loved after I got together with DH and my small Victorian terrace (which was fine for just me & DD1) was too small for the now 4 (later 5) of us. We moved for space and schools to a small E Sussex village then to a very well heeled town in Kent.

Absolutely thought we’d done completely the wrong thing for the first 12 months and we revisited London and our London friends way too often. Made absolutely loads of snarkyish assumptions about the rest of the people living in the village.

The reality though is that you will once you get over yourself and actually talk to people is that you will find other people like you who have left big cities, don’t vote Tory, have similar interests and education backgrounds. Since leaving London we’ve lived in Tory heartlands, sure the day after elections I can barely bring myself to smile at people in the street but I know I’m not the only lefty liberal pro EU person around here. You won’t be either. And is M&S cafe the only option?! We’re crawling with deli’s, bakeries, fresh fish vans ran here. Even the tiny village we previously lived in had a very good bakery and farm shop.

At the end of the day, you can always go out in town for an evening and see friends. And they can come down to you. Though it took some adjustments & I honestly initially thought we’d made this massive mistake, I wouldn’t move back now if you paid me.

Excuse the grammar & spelling errors - typing quickly on mobile!

Thank you so much 🙏 This is what I need! I'm freaking out and over reacting and I need to hear from people who have been there/ done that.

I'm being hugely judgemental (based on the group of people I know who live in the 'burbs we are considering) but I know really they won't all be like that. It's a leap of faith and I'd just need to find my 'people'. It's fear really. I'm happy where I am and don't want to change! Trying to get over myself, I really am. Just not there yet.

I joke about M&S cafe. That's the mother in law who goes every Saturday. Worried we'll get sucked into it. There's a few cute little cafes, a butcher...no amazing bakery/ deli like we have on our street corner. You can't have everything right?!

Obviously need to put kids education and future first, I'm just trying to work out how I/we can also be happy and enjoy our lives, more residential rather than urban they would be. Thank you I really appreciate hearing your experience and talking me down from the ledge 😂

We have a similar dilemma, although we're looking at primary schools right now. We live in a trendy bit of central London right now, and we love the lifestyle here, and we have never yearned for a big house/village community feel. We definitely would stay here if we didn't have dc.

We're looking at private schools, and while there are some good schools nearby, the ones further out are really amazing. Personally I know that I wouldn't be as happy living there as I do in the city centre, but for me education comes first and if DD was given the opportunity to go to one of these excellent schools then I would just have to suck it up - at least until our dc have completed their education. We are going to let the schools decide - the ones we're looking at are all selective, so we don't even know if she'd get a place (and I'm not all that optimistic). If she doesn't get a place, part of me will be secretly relieved but we'll probably be fine sending her to the 'good but not amazing' school locally.

If you could be more specific about your area (perhaps namechange if you don't want to identify yourself), other posters might be able to suggest an alternative location with good schools, but also a liberal mindset? It sounds like you know the suburban area well (if you have ILs living there) so I'm not convinced it would turn out to be a hidden liberal community after all.

Another option is to play the system a bit, sell your property and move into a rental in the good school catchment for as long as it takes to get a place, then move back to your old area. You'd have to be careful about your timing, and it's quite disruptive, and your dc would have to commute to school. And it would be trickier with more than one dc. But plenty of families do it. You could still do the grammar school exams (and private), so if you get a place there, they'd be first choice.

Where are you and how old are the kids?

You need to name change to say where you are now and which schools you are looking at to see if anyone can help you move to an area which is more in keeping with what you are used to.

I am a bit confused though, you say you live near the city but the surrounding areas are undesirable (those that feed into the high school) so how far beyond those areas does it become desirable and do you need to consider a commute for work?

Why is the only area the one where your MIL lives? You won't get sucked into going to the M&S cafe every Saturday if that isn't what you want.

@butterdreams, ‘It sounds like you know the suburban area well (if you have ILs living there) so I'm not convinced it would turn out to be a hidden liberal community after all.’

Voting records don’t lie but it’s definitely my experience that areas in commuting distance to big cities will attract a whole variety of people, they really don’t attract exclusively Tory voters! I imagine to date the OP’s experience of this area is from the In laws and their friends which is pretty much what she says. Once you get beyond preconceptions and start talking to people, you do from my experience find others with very similar views to yourself. I leafletted locally this month for Labour in the council elections - something my friend who did this with me and I felt cheerfully was an absolute waste of our time and tilting at windmills. It was - but going door to door was interesting and we had some unexpected supportive comments from people I wrote off mentally on sight.

I can completely empathise @JenFBS with where you are mentally. I can only say it’s a 100% worked for us but that did involve me doing quite a bit of getting over myself and my urban superiority assumptions which wasn’t immediate! There are still elements that do amuse/annoy me - the community Facebook page is interesting at times! Personally I’d go for it - it’s difficult at first, don’t go back too often as it will only depress you and just get out there and talk to people! Maybe talk the MIL into the local cafe instead of M&S though!

I live in a solidly Tory small town (with excellent schools) and have met a whole range of opinions at the school gate.

In my Ward the Green council candidate lost to the Tory but only by a squeak.

It's not edgy (I wouldn't want it to be) but it's not all the braying classes either.

Children are expensive. They are even more so at teen age. I lived in a town where it’s very hard to spend money. Nothing much going on and I have found it a god send actually. It means I get to prioritise and focus on what really matters. Money for extra curricular clubs, renovating home, savings, pensions, international travel. I haven’t spent on a cafe in ages as there aren’t any nice ones but I had a blast taking my children to Tokyo. It really depends on what you value more.

There must be other places to move to that aren't next to dh family? Lots of areas around that have good schools i wouldn't want to be sucked into those negative family dynamics as will get worse if your closer..
I'm not much help though as we stayed and went private....

Do you live in Chorlton?

Sorry OP, I can’t get over the fact that someone who claims to be so open-minded and loving the “edge” of your current community isn’t prepared to send her children to the secondary schools in that same wonderful community. Have you visited them?

I can see that you might be priced out of the house/garden you want where you are, but I wouldn’t move for secondary schools alone, particularly not when your kids are so young. Since my kids were that age two new secondary schools have been built in the area - things change! The secondary schools where you are have a reasonable reputation from what I hear, friends are certainly pleased with them. I can’t remember the details of your deleted post now as to what locations you are considering though.

Nowfeeltheneedtopost I think I’m from one of the ‘not so great’ surrounding areas, dragging their school down

Nowfeeltheneed- i really don’t want to start an arguement, just trying to get my head around it all. It’s more DH who is concerned. I wasn’t so worried until there was an incident with a gun recently. It’s not the mix of people, as I went to a very mixed school, it’s more the risky element I’m worried about, and that I needed to be pushed a bit at school to do ok so wondering if my kids will need the same!

Direct commissioner- i’d written a long post but deleted as I was just writing about my concerns and then realised how it may sound. Yes I’m in Chorlton, it must be really obvious then!

Not quite the same, because we lived in a city area that definitely was not considered salubrious, but I found it really hard to leave the buzz, the cafes, shops, great transport to move to a really quiet Tory stronghold. It’s not that it’s not nice it’s just preference, but i did find the adjustment really hard. However for my dc I honestly think it was the right decision. He would have struggled at one of the inner city comps, I felt confident in this because I work in them. It really depends how bad the schools you’re talking about are.

Nowfeeltheneed- I also feel that it’s one thing as an adult to like a little edge, but kids are so easily lead (or maybe that was just me!?) and I know what I got up to so just thinking about minimising risk. Maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know. Just trying to work out what the best thing to do is.

DirectCommisioner- that’s interesting- I do know people who are happy with the schools too, just worrying really. Like I say it’s DH who’s more concerned about social aspect just after recent incidents. Results wise I don’t think they are much different from the suburb with the MiL. Trafford does have amazing results though so that’s another option. I think I know which 2 new schools you are talking about- I don’t know enough about them and whether they’d be an option for us.

Didius- it is similar, that’s what I’d miss too, the buzz. Being near life! And I think the same, the areas we have talked about moving to are all ‘nice’, I just don’t feel enthused about moving there!

Didius- and I do worry my two may struggle in the local schools. I like the fact there’s a mix of people, you meet different people in life so it’s good preparation. But I worry they’d not thrive as well. I was quiet at school, and I would’ve struggled I think. I don’t know, it’s all so hard!

Buutterdreams- thanks so much, it's really reassuring to hear people who relate! So if you apply to elective schools, are these in your catchment? If not is it possible to get a place? Maybe depends on intake? I also have looked at grammar schools out of area, and the primary my daughter is at is a feeder school for one of these out of area grammar schools but I think only a few go there, they'll take local kids first I guess.

I do know the suburban areas very well. I grew up in one of them (different suburb to the ILs) but with the ILs living in this particular one, I know it pretty well too. I'm not at all convinced it's a secret liberal haven but of course I only know extended family and friends there and there will be the odd few...it’s just finding them!

Interesting re renting. It would be a bit of messing about but not impossible.

Riverskater- I'm in Manchester. Kids are 4.5 and 2.5yrs. Not in school yet (clearly I'm massively planning ahead but if we are moving we may as well decide where we need to be for high school as I don't really want to do it all again in 5/6 yrs.

Johnsraincoat- We live about 4 miles from Manchester City centre in a bit of a liberal bubble surrounded by other less expensive suburbs. Beyond that, going away from the city, you get into Trafford, which opens up access to the grammar schools in the area, so we could move there. That would be my preference next to actually staying here. We wouldn't have the big detached house still, it’d be a semi as it's just as expensive, and more so the further you go out with Altrincham/ Bowdon being the most expensive probably. DH not so keen on immediate surrounding Trafford areas and would prefer Altrincham but I think we wouldn’t get more space house wise there. It’s weighing up if a semi either where we are or slightly into Trafford, or big detached house near the MiL. Basically we can’t have it all- the liberal trendy area, school options and the big house! If we leave the area to go anywhere else, I’ll still be devastated but moving near iLs really does not excite me.

Luckily I am freelance so I work from home, no commute.

The area the MiL lives isn't the only area, but as briefly described above, we would get more for our money there compared to Trafford. She lives in Bramhall. It's nice, not edgy, more well to do than where we live for sure. We could get a doer upper detached house there for less money than we could sell our terraced house for, borrow more and then do an extension and have the dream house, big garden etc. Where we live we would be able to get a semi detached with medium garden and do a small extension. I’m sure lots of people would love to move there, I’m just being very stubborn!

I wouldn't get sucked into M&S cafe and the husband wouldn't want to but I think it would be inevitable, at least some of the time! I imagine I’d arrange activities with kids so we weren’t doing it all the time. The routine of it all depresses me- a lot. I'm being dramatic of course but it would definitely be a slower pace of life and average cafes/ shops and I imagine more time in the house.

SJaneS49- that is reassuring. Believe me, the MIL won't be changed from her routine! I do have an urban superiority complex

that is for sure! I really wish I knew people in Bramhall that were more like me, I'm sure they exist. I just don't really want to start again. I need to get over it if we are going to do this. It's not a done deal by any means, just something we are considering/ trying to convince ourselves of- it's not working so far! Though the schools thing and big garden for the kids is something I would really like. I just need to get out of my own head, and can’t see any other way of doing it than just ripping off the bandaid, balling my eyes out and then eventually getting used to it. I’d be forcing myself basically, that how it feels.

Whiterose- that's also reassuring. I like the edginess unfortunately

CookieDoughKid- I do like travel. I also like being out and about. I wish I was more of a homebody, it would make this decision much easier!

averythinline- there are other places. We picked the places we would like to live in (I really just want to stay where I am though) and the problem is, they are all the most expensive areas of Manchester. So we could stay here, or move to Sale, Timperly and in all those places we would have a semi detached, preferably with a bigger garden than we have now. It’s not edgy or liberal (I don’t think) and I’d still be really sad to leave but not as adverse as Bramhall where extended family are. And it would open up the option of grammar schools if we were in Trafford (Sale/Altrincham). If we moved to Bramhall (where the MIL lives) there's no grammar schools, but they’re good from what people say.

Yes I'm worried about the negative family, I can handle it when it's just a visit, but living in their pockets? I'm really not sure...