DS basing his school choice on 1 friend

[Fixitup2]

DS is year 5 so choosing high schools next Autumn. Until a few months ago he wanted to go to the nearest high school which is very well regarded, a religious school that students travel for miles to attend. He will get in here off his church attendance. Out of his class about half will go here but 5/7 of his friends will. The friends going are also of a similar academic ability. GCSE pass rate is 60%.

However his best friend since reception will be attending the other school where the other 50% of his class go. He is lovely and they have an amazing friendship. They are however of different academic abilities so unlikely to be together when in sets. This school also has a programme for high achievers which DS would be eligible to sit the assessment for, if he is accepted to this programme all classes will be in the programme so he’ll only see his best friend at breaks. GCSE pass rate here is 40%.

I would prefer him to go to the religious school as it’s well known locally to be a better school with better pastoral care, less bullying etc. I also worry about him pinning all hopes on one friend. But I don’t want to pressure him and force him to go to a school where he doesn’t want to go. I’m really hoping open evenings will happen in September but wanted to ask for advice on how to gently guide him or for other peoples similar experiences and how it turned out.

This really is not a choice for your 9/10 year old to make. Definitely go and look at the school next term, but ultimately its your choice.

DD’s best friend is a girl she met at nursery, the friendship survived different primary schools and they are now at different secondaries.

The secret is to push them together on weekends and holidays, unlimited deface time if homework etc is done, it can work if you help out.

I think even if the boys would be at the same secondary, they may end up in different forms, DD hardly interacts with 80% of the girls from her primary school despite being in the same secondary, better to nurture a friendship outside school than sending him to a school which is not suitable,

Deface = FaceTime

@reluctantbrit That’s what I’m thinking, they’ll probably only be together at breaks if at the same schools. They have different hobbies too so his best friend will likely be playing football every break where as DS isn’t bothered. It’s a good idea about pushing them together at weekends, it’s been hard with Covid but hopefully now it’ll get easier. They live within walking distance of each other when they’re old enough, not quite yet as there’s a busy road but soon.

@HelloDulling You’re right, id regret it if I didn’t make the decision and it wasn’t right for him.

I took DD to look at a load of schools, and took her opinion into account, but ultimately DH and I made the final decision.

The main school that the vast majority of her primary friends were going to was not one I wanted to send her to, so I just said that unfortunately we didn't tick any of the boxes that would get her a place so we couldn't put it on the form.

Only one other child from her primary went to the same secondary and due to Covid bubbles and the sheer number of kids in the year, they have bumped into each other twice so far in a year.

It's only really since Easter that DD has good some proper 'friends' before that I could barely keep up with who the BFF was as it changed weekly.

Definitely don't choose a school primarily based on a primary school friendship, and doubly so if they are unlikely to be in the same sets/classes.

I agree that it’s not his choice to make. He should be actively involved in the decision making process but ultimately it’s down to you where he goes.

Make a list of all the things that are important to your son. Subjects he enjoys, extra curricular stuff he likes. Then make a list for both schools which check these items off. It’s very easy to put “spin” on your preferred school at this stage. There’s something very persuasive about seeing it in black and white. It also makes it easier to justify it to him.

There is always a chance though that in doing this you find out the other school is actually a better fit.......

He's 10, you're the parent. He's not mature enough to make this decision. Sure let him think he is, if he makes the right one, but if he still wants to go to the weaker school then you do what's best for him & put up with the whinging.

We had a choice of 3 schools (would have got into any of them). School 1 we ruled out because DD is dyslexic and they couldn't have shown less interest in supporting her needs. All her friends bar one but including her best friend went to that school. The other friend went to school 2 and DD went to school 3 where she only knew one other girl who she had met at Guides. It has worked out fine, DD still sees her primary school best friend outside school (they are y10 now). We made clear from the outset that school 1 was off the list and that only schools 2 and 3 were suitable and she accepted that.

Yep I’d ignore op, you’re his parent and this is your choice.

In my experience secondary schools split you up in different cohorts to your primary friends anyway so you wouldn’t be together in school. Even the strongest primary friendships have found other friends. My son had a best friend since nursery they were like brothers. They were devastated when his friend didn’t get in, on appeal he got a place and we asked for them to be in same class. They have completely different friendship groups and barely speak to each other now.

Definitely don’t base a school choice on friends.

With the best will in the world this is not his decision- it is yours - you make it. You are the parents - you can see the bigger picture.

You need to make it look like you are taking his views into account but you are choosing. If you did this with food what would he chose to eat for himself and what would you choose? You are the parents, you decide. No 10 year old can weigh up the long term affects of choosing schools especially with GCSE results. You have to appear to be weighing up the pros and cons.

As Zod says you can find the positives for the school you want and spin that over the school you don't want him to go to. There is a possibility they could be in separate halves of the year even if they did end up at the same school. There should be a list of clubs that are run at lunch times on their websites and again you can show that they might not even see each other then. But do emphasise that they will still see each other after school, can game online together with headsets so they can chat. Choosing the school you want does not mean ending the friendship.

Both my sons attended a school no one else went to. Their primary school fed into an okay secondary, 90% of the children went there, others to grammar or fee paying.

I agree with the others, this isn't a decision for a 10 to to make. We have just been through secondary decisions etc and 90% of our sons friends are going to one school, him and one other kid going to a different one.

If you feel you need to help him decide, go and look at the GCSE subjects on offer, not just the pass rates. We found the school we really didn't want has gone down a very vocational route, offering v few actual GCSEs - their pass rate was high but tbh that's because the subjects on offer are more vocational. Our Ds is keen on things like geography, history etc and the school we as parents preferred offered them, so that's how we collectively decided

You need to make the choice. I would tell him that you know this friendship is important to him and it can be continued out of school. Explain that secondary school is for learning and friendships come second and, because of the way the day is structured, they would see very little of each other there. He may not have realised about sets and moving between classrooms etc. I would also say that having a friend who's at a different school means he'll also have a social life outside school (really important, Mum, if he ever goes through a difficult patch there). I'd start the drip drip now tbh so he can adjust to the idea. Can they both do a sporting activity at the weekend that he can see will continue?

It’s your responsibility. He is far too young to be making a decision that affects his whole future.

We made it plain with our kids that while we would consider their views, ultimately the decision was ours. Thankfully we all agreed on the same school.

Children change a lot when they start secondary. There's a massive chance they will barely hang out even at breaks if they go to the same school.

He is too young. The friendship could fizzle out, the friend could move or change his mind about school... the friend isn’t lobbying his parents to switch schools is he?

Remind his that this is about his education and future. Friends can stay close out of school - DS went to secondary school with no-one from his school and he has managed to keep in contact (and we are all scattered over London so it’s not like he can nip down the street to his friends house).

if you have accidentally given him the idea it is his choice, then start back pedaling so that by the time October rolls around he understands it isn't his choice.
You take his opinion into account but you are the adults. His wanting to be with 1 friend does not outweigh all the other reasons you have given.

Thanks all, don’t worry we know it’s our choice as parents to make but I do want to take his thoughts into consideration so wanted advice on how different schools has changed things for friendships.
As parents, we have a very different approach and attitude to his best friends. They’re lovely but have much less input into their child’s education, hardly did anything over lockdown despite both being furloughed for example whereas we were actively seeking extra educational activities online despite both still working. DS is now exactly where he should be in the class in the top 5 where as his
Best friend is in a catch up group so DS is starting to see they’re of different abilities as they’re doing different work and say in different groups.

The list idea is very good, he’s interested in music, computers and some sports which again are different interests to his best friend. We’ll start nurturing the friendship out of school again now allowed so he can see that he will still see him.

I’m just really hoping the open evenings aren’t online so we can go and look around these schools in September.

We've just been in the same place as you @Fixitup2 but a year before. Luckily we went to see round schools in Y5 so had a bit of an idea before Covid scuppered open days. DD1s' best friend (& about 60% of her class) are going to the local co-ed school. It's a decent school good Ofsted but more focussed on sports and art than academia. DD1 was very keen, but we have a local girls school that is much more academic and a slightly nicer journey - walk through quiet streets rather than main road. I kept emphasising to Dd1 the things she was good at compared to BF. DD1 is top of the class whereas BF is middle and very arty which DD is not. I'm the end, she agreed that the girls school was a better fit and now she's excited to be going there. BF lives not too far so easy enough for them to stay friends if they want to.

Also, where kids say they are going and where their parents end up applying to can be different.

DD1 in y5: I want to go to M everyone is going there.
Me thinking: Well A and B and C are unlikely to be as their older siblings go to N. Also, I can't see D and E going anywhere other than their nearest school, and as for F and G, school N would suit them better.

In the end, only 4 went to school M, the other 11 went to N.

Something very similar happened in DD2's year where again lots of 'we're going to M' followed by changes of mind after the open days to choose N.

Although I agree that a decision to what school your DC will go to should not be based on their primary school friends secondary school destination, I also firmly believe that a 10 year old is very capable to make a decision to what school they would like to go to, what school they would feel happy at. Of course assuming that they have visited the schools too and know what each school provides.

Why I think some 10 year olds may be capable, others definitely not.

If the OP's DS was weighing things up and saying on balance I prefer X and friend going there is one reason but also a,b & c reasons, that would be one thing.
But as described the OP's DS is choosing purely on one friend, which shows he isn't yet capable imo.

Neither of my DDs would have been able to decide, they both still needed a lot of help 3.5 years later weighing up GCSEs.

there are a few things here.

1. they are unlikely to be in same sets etc
2. that all year 7s massively remake and change friendships
3. that a child of 10 is not able to understand all the implications of the school choice.

When ds was 10, one school we went to he rejected because it was 'old fashioned' We had had a talk in the school hall which was an old room with a wooden ceiling. Dh took him back on another open day with strict instructions to avoid the hall, and instead make a bee line for the science labs, computer room etc. He discovered a massive drum kit in the music room and was allowed to play it.
he changed his mind about the school.

Similar;y, dd1 wasn't that bothered between 2 schools, but on open evening at one they did that thing where you hold bubbles in your hand they set light to them, she thought it was amazing, and immediately wanted to go to that school.

Obviously we had lots of discussions about pros and cons, but really underneath, that drum kit/old hall/burning bubbles was having way more impact than it should.
Prents choose the school, with input from dc