Moved yr 9 state to private. DD hates it..... help

[smithypants]

Hello all.
We moved school for my 14yo last September (2020) because during Covid we were flat out working for the NHS and we were really unhappy that the school seemed to be making no effort to try to continue educating them. We watched DD become de-motivated, sad, unwilling to learn when previously he’d strived to get top marks.

Add lashings of parental guilt and a bit of spare cash and we moved him to a local private school. DD already knew kids there from sport teams so we thought the transition would be eased.

2 terms in and the most common topic of conversation with DD is asking when he can go backroads old sch. He found the standards much higher in the new school and talks about the teaching style being not as good.

We try to point out the positives - he has 2 groups of friends. We work hard to make sure he meets both/gets lifts etc.

But his POV is that his marks aren’t as good, he’s in the mid-bottom sets and he is (mis) remembering the old school as some perfect place that he loved every minute of.

It feels awful having this conversation all the time but he’s just chosen his GCSEs and I feel we can’t compound a difficult decision by going back. But that’s me with my adult perspective....

I’d be really grateful for some pros and cons and how to manage this. Thanks everyone.

First thing is you seem to mean your son (DS) rather than a daughter (DD)?

14 is a really difficult age to move schools - I'm not surprised he's struggling. Particularly if he seems to have slipped down the academic hierarchy. What feedback (reports, parents' evenings, presumably on Zoom, informal chats) have you had from his new teachers on how he's progressing?

Difficult one. My mantra is you never move a happy child. Who decided the first move - you or them? If they were happy there, I would move them back. Very few children remained at normal levels of motivation during lockdown, an international study published last week showed that even those countries where the teaching was deemed to be good (and don't be mistaken in thinking that zoom/teams guaranteed good teaching, however it did guarantee social interaction and school community feeling) students still fell behind by quite a high percentage (I am going to pull 20% out the bag but I haven't fact checked that, it is just what I am remembering.) Fee paying schools were good at getting lessons out to justify high fees, but even pupils in those schools fell behind what they would have learnt in a class. No one got it perfectly right.

But back to your child. They might become happy in the new school, but if they weren't unhappy in the old school and the teaching was good in pre covid times and will be in post covid times, then perhaps the mistake was to move them over a short term problem? Or you can hope that they will adapt, sometimes it can take a year to get used to a school/job.

This is a tricky situation, and it's a shame because it wouldn't have arisen without covid.

Make a deal with him - he sits his GCSEs at the new school and then you promise he can choose where he wants to go for sixth form?

My friend who's a teacher says that it's surprisingly common for children who leave to go to a different school (rather than for a reason like moving house or something) to later return because the grass isn't always greener. Think to yourself why you're not letting him return to the old school. Do you really believe the new school to be better for him, or is there an element of embarrassment / not wanting to admit you made the wrong choice?

Did you decide that DS should move, or was this is a joint decision?

It sounds like the reason you moved him originally may not apply any more and he has very valid reasons for wanting to move back - clearly demoralised by being in lower sets.

One of my DS's friends moved schools in Year 9 and moved back a term later. I think (disruption aside) it was quite a positive thing for him to realise that another school was not the magic bullet and he has been much happier since. So don't assume that moving back is not a good idea.

Take him on a tour of his old school to double check his memory.
We moved our daughter in year 8 from grammar to private because she wasn't happy in the grammar. But its been hard for her to settle in due to the lockdowns and so she is still unsettled in year 9. But she would not want to go back to the grammar.
If you think your son was doing well at his old school before the move and he wants to go back then save yourself the money!
My question is though was he really doing well? And is that part of the problem - is he finding he has learning gaps created from his old school so he is finding things harder? When you pay for private some of your questions should be directed to his private school as that is what you pay for.

I expect the private school did more in lockdown and now the difference is showing.

I would contact the school and try and have a chat about where his learning gaps are. I assume they have assessed him and they will know. So try and get advice on what he needs to do to catch up and get the school to help set targets for him.

It’s clearly difficult to catch up and it must be demoralising. I would keep him there but only if there is positive dialogue.

Was he on board with the move at the outset, OP? If so, you need to remind him of this, and ask him to try and make it work. Remind him of all the reasons why he wanted to move in the first place.

If he wasn't on board with the move, I think that's much harder. One of dd's friends moved from state to private at the beginning of year 10, and it has been an unmitigated disaster because he really resented the move. In that scenario, I would seriously consider letting him go back to the state school for his GCSEs if that is still an option.

your DC left a school pre-covid time with the all freedom they enjoyed them to start in a New school in Covid Times (with all the restrictions, rules, mask wearing in class) that would have been difficult in the first place ! My own kids have not liked returning to their own schools because it had changed so much and there are so restricted in what they do now.
If you add to this any gaps in knowledge, perhaps smaller classes where he is less likely to coast along etc...the difficulty to mix with other DC (social distancing),
You can see how it gets difficult for him.

I think he needs to realise that his old school is now also run very differently and these things aren’t likely to change anytime soon.
So should he go back it would be very different !
There is a thread on there about someone wanting to do a move in year 9 to state ... I would read it as there is consensus that year 9 is a difficult year to move.
Sorry not much of advice but I wouldn’t rush to do anything unless you have spoken to his current school and assessed what and where the problems are. He may just need a bit of support with his learning and pastoral care to settle in. Everything has been so disrupted in the last year

I think whatever the size of class etc, fundamentally a happy child learns well, an unhappy child doesn't.
Whatever you decide you need to make up your mind as he is about to get start a really important part of his schooling. You don't want mental health problems in year 10&11, so if you think he will be happy at the old school move him back and get some tutoring for any catch up, nothing beats one-2-one not even fee paying schools.
Is it only the teaching style and low sets he doesn't like at the new school? Or are there problems with friends etc.

I can understand your reasons for thinking it might be a good idea to change your DS’ school, but really, all you’ve done is heap yet another load of stress onto him in the middle of a year which has tested the mental health and resilience of all teenagers.
My advice would be to ask him what HE wants.. to stay at the new school or move back to the old one? Then commit, quickly, to whichever he chooses. His happiness is by far the most important factor.

At 14 did you ask your child if they wanted to before schools? Personally at 14 I think they have a right to choose unless they are getting in with a bad crowd or something.

Make a deal with him - he sits his GCSEs at the new school and then you promise he can choose where he wants to go for sixth form?

I sincerely hope that OP was going to let her DC choose where he went to sixth form regardless. So not much of a deal.

At 14 he should have been consulted about the move beforehand. Id let him move back but then I don't think that GCSE results are the be all and end all of life.

Why is everyone assuming the state school would have space to take him back?

I would see if the state school has places and go on the waiting list if not (you can always decline if not needed).

I would check with the state school were they are in the GCSE options process, ours has done it and children given their choices so it maybe were there in space left apart from English, Maths and Science though should be fine for either History or Geography and a language. He should get a reasonable choice but maybe not his first pick of everything.

Our state school also moves joining kids into sets were there are space not by ability so in year 9 he could be put in the lowest set for a subject he's top set in. This will correct for start of year 10 if you've moved him before the dates for setting are fixed.

In our school the lockdown provision from March to July wasn't great but was much better from September. We got 5 hours a day from September, double what we got before.

If he really wants to move back I would move him back though don't be amazed if you apply and he changes his mind again so let him know any decision is final.

I mean the children have given in their choices and they were told if they applied after the deadline (gone) they would come after children who had applied by the deadline.