Due to start DC in September... what to do?

[DirtyDancing]

The news is shocking. Maybe I am naive, I was state school educated and badly bulled through my school years. We were so excited to send DS here. Now I feel physically sick.

Do we still send our DS and try and become part of the solution? Or walk away and cut our losses?

I consider myself a strongly feminist minded women. DCs are under no illusion about equality and it is my responsibility to make sure that is always the case. DH and I share home and childcare responsibilities equally. Wherever I send my DS it is my duty to ensure he learns about respect for himself and others, boundaries, consent. But what if the school creates a counter culture that isn’t in line with our belief system?

I have lived locally to the school for 15 years. I had no idea. We have no back up plan, so we would need to contact the council, and likely need to send DS to what ever local school has a place left. Probably will be a not close, not great school. I may contact our local primary after Easter. So will many others I am sure.

Do we send him, and then just wait and see/ get out as soon as we can? The Junior school has some degree of separation, but reputation is of course reputation.

Very sad for those girls who have been impacted, experienced this. Sad for the innocents caught up in this. Cross at the school for this culture that has seemed into the fabric of the school.

Mostly I want to make the right decision for my DS who enjoys learning & school so much.

What year is your child joining? The junior school?

Yes junior schooled year 3.

OP Can your DS not stay at his current school?

The issues raised by Everyones Invited are not limited to DC - all schools are affected
You chose the junior school for a reason - was it only to ensure a place at DC at 11?

He can not stay at current school- it goes up to year 2 only.

These problems are in every school.

I have 3 siblings with wide age gaps, we attended a mix of state comprehensive, state grammar, public boarding schools, state boarding schools and independent day schools. We now all have children in an equally wide range of schools in the UK and overseas.

The only difference I can see between any of them is that there was a tendency for some children in the independent sector to have access to more money and for their to be more weekend house parties with not a lot of adult supervision.

My boarding school had a ban on boarders attending parties during weekends and took a very dim view if parents facilitated such things. As house parents, they were a lot tougher than most of our real parents were when it came to keeping us safe (we pushed the boundaries and moaned at the time, but as a parent today I am incredibly grateful for just how much they looked out for us).

Tough one, OP. I’d be interested to hear if DC has issued any statement to parents of prospective pupils given that a lot of people will be having a bit of a wobble right now. They have an opportunity to stamp out the misogynistic and abusive culture by taking action now.

There might be movement on DC's waiting list and maybe spaces will come up in local preps and primary? OP maybe you can put DS's name down on a few schools you are happy with and see what happens? Even if DS join DC at 7+, he can leave at 11 if the school is not right for him. Good luck with whatever you choose.

My son has come out of DC without any experience of the culture described. Clearly all boys are not affected even if (which is a big if) the school has "turned a blind eye" (which frankly beggars belief) or "encouraged" (really??).

I suspect there are going to have to be big changes at DC especially after today's revelations that a letter containing similar allegations was sent to the head 5 years ago without any response. None of the 3 Dulwich private schools come out of that well - why didn't the heads of the schools the girls were at push the issue on their behalf if it has been a known problem for so long? But JAGS and Alleyn's have recently had new heads whereas Dr Spence has been in post throughout.

Surely this has to lead to a complete change - from the very top of the school down?

I am deeply shocked about the ‘known reputation of DC boys’. I can not imagine the frustration and isolation the victims must have felt, for this to have been happening so openly and yet nobody acted is appalling.

We are quite strict parents and instil very clear boundaries with DCs. We also have an open dialogue about everything, so our mantra has always been you can talk to us about anything. This means my DS now is very honest with me, if he has been told off at school or been disciplined at school and we talk it though and discuss wrong / right. We are not perfect but we take it very seriously.

I can’t understand what has happened to these boys growing up, to think this behaviour and these actions are in anyway acceptable. I can do so much at home, and ultimately the buck stops with us as parents (IMO) but I need the school to work with me and underpin this with a equal, fair and respectful culture.

Yes, the bucks stops with parents but the schools are accountable for discipline and safe guarding on their premises. When concerns are brought to them about off-site allegations of sexual assault then they need to respond and escalate appropriately.
If these allegations are true (hard to believe they are not given the number and time period over), then there was a massive failing of the school.

I can totally see why you chose DC for your son. We loved it, too and were very impressed by Dr Spence when we went to visit. We had no idea of the apparent culture.

Perhaps speak with the head of your son’s prep? There must be a lot of parents with similar questions and concerns.

I’d like to think this is the beginning of the end of this culture in at least these schools that have been named, as they will be under intense scrutiny now.
I dare not hope that this will be the case across schools...

@365sleepstogo “ Yes, the bucks stops with parents but the schools are accountable for discipline and safe guarding on their premises.” I completely agree - this was my point. It is a partnership of accountability.

@Notmynom we agree on both thread about the Head. JAGS has a new Head so could escape the cull because she can claim she wasn’t in post for historical issues. DC Head has not a leg to stand on. Completely unacceptable in the lack of grip and action on this.

OP if I were you I would directly ask the school what they are doing about it.

I really feel for you @DirtyDancing - but I am sure you are far from the only September starter having a massive wobble about this. Have you heard from the school yet? I'd be mightily annoyed in your position if you haven't (and that would probably make the decision for me).

I have a September starter at JAGS (senior school) and the new Head there is actually one of the reasons we accepted the place - she seems to have the girls' backs 100% and I have full confidence in her to actually follow through with the proposals they've outlined. We got a letter last week to new starters addressing the issue, and one thing that I really appreciated was that she said that she was proud of the girls for organising the vigil and protest last week.

Do you have that level of confidence in the head at DC? I guess it comes down to that. I'm fairly sure we won't be applying to DC for our younger DS though unless we see positive change, however I appreciate that we have the luxury of more time to see how that pans out.

I guess start asking around both state and alternative independents so at least you know your options.

They say the safest time to fly on an aeroplane is after there has been a huge crash that has been in the news.

Pragmatically - is the junior school impacted in the same way the senior school is?

I am completely new to the private school system being a state school educated myself. @tuataraboy when you say start asking around other independents, do you mean calling up those we didn’t apply to, as well as one we turned down an offer from. Surely they would just ‘laugh at us’ for trying to get in after turning them down.

I will call the Council on Monday to get back into the application process for state.

I really do believe you are over reacting. DC is getting more negative publicity but it doesn’t mean other schools aren’t similarly affected. There will be small groups in all of these schools who behave in entitled, misogynistic ways but it doesn’t mean all the pupils behave in this way.

My DD and DS both attended London Independent schools and neither can relate to these stories. Your DS will choose like minded friends and it will be your role to steer him in the right direction.

I think it is good this is finally being talked about but none of this is new.

I was thinking of DC and did make comments on the other thread.
We did not go down the private route in the end, even with scholarship places.

Not sure but on private I only hear good things about Colfes and the head of Colfes, so maybe you could check them out? I have heard they may sometimes take later applications but I am not 100% sure?

Personally the story regarding DC in the Times, where 2 black students had to fight each other, in front of other boys, happened on a school trip.
This must have happened only 5 years ago.

I could not send me child to DC after that incident, and also if other incidents were actually brought to the attention of senior leadership and nothing was done.

I personally would check what state schools you could apply for.
I would also check with DC to see if you can leave without being financially liable to them, given these terrible reports.

I do think it is good this is going to be spoken about.

I do think sexual assault and racism can happen anywhere.
But the repeated stories regarding DC come across like a safe guarding nightmare, I am afraid I could not pay for that. Even if it say only 5 percent of kids were terrible. I would be worried that the sexual predators would also be skilled at peer on peer abuse and who wants that?

Even if DC get on top of this and bring in real change it will still take time, I do not think the head will survive so there will also be a change of senior leadership.

The above is just my opinion, you could also try talk to a range of parents at the school and see what their thoughts are?

jeanne16 see I don't get your point. Yes sexism and racism are rife in society, but you don't say well let's settle on DC, inspite of all these heart wrenching and terrible stories because it is likely to be just as bad everywhere, do you?

I know the founders of the website don't want to name the schools, but surely the damage re DC is considerable. Ofcourse they well may be able to turn it around, they may well have many parents still lining up to join, but it doesn't make it right.

There will be some schools that will come out of this ok, you know the ones that listen to students, that still had ofcourse safeguarding issues but you know made reports to police and challenged culture, there will be a school out there that doesn't have the same level of entitlement.

@snowdropsinapril "I've only heard good things about Colfes" - not sure a short journey round the south circular will solve this one.

What are your concerns- that your DS would be educated in an environment in which these things happen or that he would be tainted by association?

In your shoes I would send him for Y3, learn more about the school and then consider what to do when it's time to decide about senior school. A lot will happen at DC between now and then and you may feel that the changes are such that you have no worries (if anything, schools being investigated now may be a better bet than schools which aren't currently under investigation but which may have equivalent problems). If not, he can move to a different senior school and having been at DC will not count against him in any way.

To be honest, you don't have a lot of choice- taking pot luck of London schools with places at this late stage is very likely to see your DS going to school which is much worse for him. I think what must be hard is the difficulty of you as a parent building a relationship of trust with the school- we entrust our children to schools where we know very little of what happens day to day (and in the case of private schools we also give them a lot of money)- all this is based on a relationship of mutual trust. In your shoes, I'd speak to your current head about it and maybe also to DC- I'm sure you won't be the only person- to ask what steps are being taken in the junior school in relation to the reports.

Ex-JAGS girl here. I will say that the new head has reached out to us and has been incredibly supportive - I am very impressed with her.

I don't know how extensive the issues were, but I will say, even as a quiet student who didn't have many friends, I knew of one serious incident that happened whilst I was a pupil at the school. That being said, I also know of many DC boys who are upset and outraged at the prospect of being tarred with the same brush.