What would you do if your Yr 7 dd said she wanted to commit suicide because she hated her new school so much?? Is it too soon to panic?

[overthehill]

I've posted in other threads about my dd struggling with a secondary school that she chose to go to without her friends, and we'd decided to wait & see if the situation improved, but things actually seem to be getting worse. She was really miserable today & left a note saying she'd rather commit suicide and go and live in heaven with our dog who died in May than carry on at secondary school with her 'friends' who just argue and don't care about her. She does still see her primary friends out of school, but still says she hates her life and wants her old friends back.

Dh reckons we need to leave it till after Christmas and ask her again then, but I just don't know what to do. I can't help thinking that another change of schools might make her even more unsettled, & I'm beating myself up for not having investigated it more thoroughly (by going to the schools during a normal working day & not just the open evening). The friends arguing might well be a passing phase & she's also very tired, which doesn't help, but I just feel terrible about it all & hate seeing her so unhappy.

The poor love
No experience of this (my kids are all very young) at all so don't know what to advise. All I can think is to build up her confidence in other areas of her life; give her individual attention, and foster any interests, talents and friendships she has outside of school. Then maybe any little problems at school won't matter so much?
Also have a chat with her form teacher.

Sorry, that all sounds a bit trite

I don't think the bit about talking to her teacher is trite - I think it's the only thing to do personally.

I'm sorry you and your DD are going through this. But as you said she chose to go to this school. Ask her again if she feels she made a wrong decision and if so sort it out. Is she about 11? We went through this morbid stage with my DD and took it seriously. I hope she is OK but you can allways change schools no problem.

Is she just in yr7? If so it's early days and I would talk things through with her calmly and reassuringly. Most children find the transition to secondary school an emotional time. If she's been there longer then it's more of a concern imo.

Of course this needs to be taken seriously, yes talk to her teacher and her gp. It could be she has just said this to get her point across that she doesnt like school but it could also be that she is seriously considering this. This age is horrible, I remember going really down hill about the age of 11 I think hormones have a big role to play. I hope she ok

Sazisi, your words don't sound trite at all, & thanks for replying. Re talking ot her form teacher: the trouble about secondary school is that teachers are so much harder to access, & I don't want to be singled out as a neurotic parent as I'm sure she comes across as fine in school as she's good at putting on an act. She is in Year 7 & has only completed half a term so I know it's still early days. Fortyplus, I think a lot of it is the transition to secondary in general & not just the particular school, & I worry that a change of school might just be a case of out of the frying pan, into the fire.

They have 3 days away at an activity centre the week after next & I know she's worried about that too, but although dh suggested (to me, not to her) that she didn't have to go, I think she should & am hoping that it might help her get to know some of the other girls better and improve things.

I'm off to bed now but will look for further words of wisdom tomorrow and thanks in advance!

My 2 (boys) are in yrs 8 & 9. DS1 was tearful every day until about Feb of his first year. He got so upset he threw up most mornings. But honestly... he settled down eventually and is perfectly happy now. I think it's more than just the change of location - they go from being the 'big fish' in the primary school pond to suddenly being small and vulnerable in a much larger, strange environment, with loads of teachers, having to find their way around instead of being in one classroom all the time etc etc. Although of course I don't know your daughter I wouldn't mind betting she's focussing on the 'friends' issue when actually it's the bigger picture that's causing the upset.

Orangehead, my 8-y-o ds is always saying he wants to die, which has alarmed his teachers when he's said it at school, and so it's a bit unsettling when dd comes up with this 'suicide note' as well, and apart from anything else it makes me feel like a useless parent. I'm inclined to believe - and hope, obviously - that she's not serious, but I think hormones are definitely coming into play. I worry that something awful will happen like her periods starting when she's on this residential trip, which would just about finish her off. I know it's something that all girls have to cope with sooner or later, but somehow I anticipate that the timing's not going to be good for her, poor love.

Fortyplus, thanks for your reassuring words. Friends are very important to her & she was in a very close-knit group at primary school, but she knew things would never be the same, no matter what secondary school she went to. I think a lot of it is probably the 'bereavement process' for that, but like all Year 7s she is struggling with the strange environment etc & has never been a child who wanted to grow up very quickly - unlike ds, who in some ways would probably relish secondary school now! Really am off to bed now, but thanks again for your support.

Her periods won't start if she hasn't got breast buds yet. (Crossing fingers that she hasn't!)

overthehill - I need to go to bed, too!

Oh... and I forgot to say that - being a confident 2nd child - ds2 leapt in, joined every club going and sailed through his first year1 Life is definitely harder for first born children!

Ds2, an outwardly confident and popular boy, started secondary this year too. I was shocked by how things went downhill so quickly and he almost became a school-refuser.

I have been in touch with both his form tutor and the head of Y7 and, touch wood, things have turned round considerably. I don't give two hoots whether the staff think I'm a neurotic mother. I know that I'm not, but, when faced with a child curled in the foetal position in bed each morning, crying and begging you not to send him to school, I do think it's time to get involved.

He's just had the best couple of days, playing rugby for the school and representing the school in a maths competition (where his team came 7th out of 20 schools, all other 19 schools being private - so not bad!). His confidence has grown and I think that, in part at least, this is because he knows that I will support him and go into to bat for him when necessary.

I hope your dd settles down soon as I know how gut-wrenching it can be as a mother sending your child into an environment which you know is causing them such upset.

I'd take it seriously and agree with your dh on saying look you don't have to go on the trip, you do have choices in life.

I've got loads of suggestions to ignore/try, based on last year with my son in yr 7.....

extra sleep for you in the day to help with all the emotions going round
breakfast in bed for your dd
supper/tea in bed for dd
sit with her and chat at bedtime , maybe until she's safely asleep, night after night
ask all about teh other friends, list of what they are good at, bad at, how rude can they be, funny things they say, who's fastest at changing for games
take dd and friends swimming or anything at the weekend
bouncy castle in the garden for them to enjoy one Saturday
be really gentle about days off, I kept my son off if I could see from his face that he was having a wobble, otherwise he'd go into a spiral of worry/tiredness/aloneness. He'd be so much more cheerful after a days break

Yes, I'd talk to the year head, head of school, any teacher she says is friendly as a starter.
hv could be supportive, may well have children that age too
say over and over, we are on your side, you are so brave to have told us how you feel, we will sort this out, we love you so much, there is a way forward even if we don't know yet what to do.
really be honest and open, swear if necessary, admit you don't know what is for the best, keep the talking and showing of emotion going.
dvds after school, chocolate, hot water bottle and duvet on the sofa,

It is a total nightmare when they are unhappy. Anything to get you through...

Thanks again for all your support.

Dd a little happier this evening, but probably largely because it's Friday. What she's found out today is the reason these two girls were having terrible arguments was because they were fighting over her, with both wanting to have a friendship that was exclusive!!! I tried to emphasize the positive in this, & we did also have a long chat about things at bedtime. We were also thinking back to a couple of similar times at primary school when she was involved in tricky threesomes - which I think is sensible as I don't think it's good if she idealises primary school and forgets all the difficult bits.

I've also tried to encourage her to foster friendships with other girls as I feel that if she has a wider network then she's not over-reliant on these two "arguers".

I think that there's also a lot of stuff to do with the culture shock of entering a "teenage" environment, & we were talking about the pressure on girls to dress in certain types of clothes (which are not the Mini Boden type she likes!), wear make up (which loads do apparently even though it's not allowed) and do things to your hair (she said several people had told her they thought she'd look better with straight hair), also she said she didn't understand why anyone would want to teach in a secondary school as the pupils were so badly behaved in lessons (& this school has just received an Outstanding OFSTED report!).

I still think it would be good for her to go on the residential trip as I think that's the time when a lot of friendships will be consolidated, and if she doesn't go she might miss this opportunity. Perhaps I'll have a chat with her form tutor before this & tell her what's been going on.

However, I have already been made to feel like a fusspot as before she started I asked several times about dd going to the Saturday session they had for children coming on their own & was told in no uncertain terms that her Year 6 teacher felt it was unnecessary for her to go as she was very good at making friends. But she's not been as bad as your ds, Freckle, in that she's always managed to get up & leave the house in a composed fashion, so I suppose it didn't seem quite so urgent - until the arrival of the note.

Fortyplus - re breast buds: I'm afraid she's way past that stage already, & I'm surprised that she hasn't started periods yet TBH. But let's hope it's not during or just before this residential trip (fingers crossed emoticon)...

We have a small independent school that ranges from reception to y11....so the y7 pupils already know the teachers and the environment and stay with their friends...BUT some of them still find even that comparatively small adjustment too much to cope with.

I think all milou's advice is perfect.

Good luck.

I'm glad to hear that she's feeling more positive. I think the quiet bedtime chats are invaluable. It's important to let her know that you take her worries seriously and will support her when needed. That in itself may turn things around.

Y7 is terribly difficult. There are so many different things to contend with and sometimes it's the silliest thing which causes the biggest problems.

Hope she can sort out her friendships and enjoy secondary school.

A child won't learn if they're unhappy. I'd say a child's happiness is the key to feeling comfortable about who they are. And feeling at ease with who you are is probably the most important factor in achieving a successul life - and I mean successful in the broadest sense - achieving good relationships, having a stimulating job etc. A friend of mine has just moved her dc out of a private school into state, entirely because her dc wasn't happy. The private school on the face of it has 'better' exam results and 'better' facilities - but what price a child's happiness?

I'd make an appointment to see Head of year 7 giving an indication of what you want to discuss. They won't think you are overreacting and will hopefully have gathered together some positive things to tell you. They may come up with some useful ideas to help the transition because they will have experienced this dozens of times.

Try not to let your dd know that you are considering changing schools as this may encourage her to come home with even more upsetting incidents (this happened to a friend's dd).

It probably doesn't help that when she sees her old friends their experiences are coming over as much more fun

I hope it all works out

I'd talk and listen. I'd talk to her form tutor so she's aware of things. I'd try to make time to talk with her. And listen hard to what she is saying. I'm sure you're doing that already though. Changing schools - possibly not, at least not just yet. Unless you think it's the school that is the problem. I'd go with trying to help her adjust to the new set up. Good luck. It must be really upsetting.

I'd definitely encourage her to go on the residential trip. A friend of my ds's had awful problems making friends at first and looked so sad when I saw him in the mornings waiting for his bus.

He went on a residential trip and it seemed to make a massive difference, he did start making good friends at that point and hasn't looked back.

My own ds also had problems in the first half of year 7, mainly because he didn't know anyone and found it very very cliquey. He used to get upset saying he'd never have a best friend in this new school, his bf from primary having gone to a different one, and their having drifted apart.

All I could say was that he was right, maybe he wouldn't find someone who was that close again, but that so long as he had a group of good enough friends, he should try to be content with that.

As it happens, it's worked out fine, he has a little group of 4 who get on well and a much wider group of casual friends and is quite happy now.

So far as the periods go, I'd just make sure she knows what to do/who to tell if she does start, but it's only 3 days, after all so it's quite unlikely it would start then. At least if she knows what to do in advance, it shouldn't be too daunting.

Thanks for all the advice, also reassurance re Year 7 trip, irises, as I'm hoping that will be positive, as for your ds.

Poor girl had an awful experience today & I'm quite angry with the school - although a mobile phone would have probably prevented it from happening. Dd stayed behind for an audition, which meant catching a different bus as she'd miss the school bus. I'd gone through it with her step by step what to do, & the plan was that she would phone me from the payphone at Reception to let me know when she was leaving school so that I could go & meet her at the bus stop. As I hadn't heard I phoned when I thought she should be finishing, but just got an answerphone so left a message. A teacher phoned back a few minutes later to say that she was in rather a state, & apparently there'd been so many children up for auditions that she'd not even had hers, & they were to be rearranged. I thought this was why she was upset, but I learned from her later that it was because the payphone was inaccessible as the Reception staff had gone home, & so she didn't know what to do & had no way of contacting me.

The teacher said that a member of staff would direct her to the (different) bus stop, & so I duly went off to meet her - with ds (8) and his friend, also our dog.
We then proceeded to watch 4 buses go past, none of which contained her, & I started to panic, especially as I had no mobile phone, no money and it was dark , having rushed out of the house without thinking. After about 40 mins - & just when I'd persuaded a passer-by to lend me his mobile (after several people looking at me suspiciously and refusing!) ds's friend's mum appeared - she was meant to be meeting us en route but had gone to our house as she though we'd be back - only to find dd there on her own and in a state as the bus had arrived before we did & she'd forgotten she was meeting me there so had set off home - in the dark and along a route she'd never taken before - and she has no sense of direction .

She was OK in the end, but the fact that she couldn't access the payphone at the very time when pupils are likely to need it (& they're not meant to have mobiles in school) was extremely unfortunate, to put it mildly. I did mention to the teacher on the phone that she was having a hard time at the moment, & I think I definitely need to speak to her form tutor - although I suspect that he may do so himself.

Poor lass could really have done without that today - although she didn't seem quite as distraught as I was expecting and was also a bit put out that I'd told the teacher she was struggling.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that the school don't let them have mobiles.

Everyone of ds's friends, whichebver school they go to has a mobile & as long as it's switched off in lessons, no prob.

I'd definitely raise that with the school, I think they're way out of line on that one.