secondary admissions- dd loves a school, I don't- what to do?

[geordiegal]

Sorry in advance if this is a bit of a rant, but it has got me really worked up.

DD is in year 6 at all girls school, has a place at the senior school of her junior school, so I thought no worries, quite happy we'll go with that for secondary school. Then the peer pressure thing, are you going to look at x y z school, kicked in and next thing, just to get a comparison I tell myself, we are off to look at another school- bigger, co-ed, better facilities but something about it I did not like. Felt like an upper middle class hothouse, like the kids who go there have no perception of what the world is really like outside their enclave. We live in a multicultural city, her current school reflects that, but this other one most definitely does not.
What to do? She really wants to apply, I wish she didn't. But if she does really want it I feel I should give her the best possible chance at it (only 30% applicants get in so we will have to do extra work, etc etc). So how do I square my unease, and sense of being a hypocrite, with wanting dd to be happy and have the best start in life?

Know I should be grateful that we already have a place in a decent school, when other kids struggle to find anywhere half decent, but if anyone has any thoughts would like to hear them.

Your daughter will still be your daughter no matter where you send her. Your influence will still be the most important. I would say, apply for the one SHE likes, but keep her 'rounded' . She has experience of a mixed school, so its not like she's been wrapped in cotton wool.

But as you say, she may change her mind before then. Could you have another look around both schools?

Where would she be happiest & most successful?

I think you've got to stick to your guns and send her where you think she'll be better off. As I said in another thread, 11 is far too young to make such an important choice. My DD started off wanting to go to the comp with her mates, but DH and I really wanted her to go to the grammar school. It's a far better school in every respect, she was very capable of getting in there and frankly we felt it would be a waste if she didn't try. Eventually she came round to our way of thinking. We've asked her since she started at the grammar would she go to the comp now if she had the chance, and she says no.

You, as and adult, have sensed something about the other school that you're not keen on. I'd say your instincts will be right. Your DD is being led by peer pressure and you can't base your decision on her secondary school on that. I know a lot of parents who 'let their dc decide' and personally, I don't agree with it. In most cases they're going to want to be with their friends, but that's not necessarily the best place for them. When children move to secondary schools, the friendships they move with often change anyway as in a lot of cases they are split into different forms/streams and other friendships are formed.

Never an easy situation, and one that takes a lot of thinking about. I know what it's like, you almost want the desicion made for you, it can be a nightmare.

Ultimately the decision is yours. But I think that it is definitely worth exploring the pros and cons of each school. On the face of it a bigger school with better facilites does sound "better". And an all girls school is as removed from the "real world" as a middle class school is. Personally I'm a bit sceptical about trying to get a school that fully reflects the world outside - unless there is only one school in an area it simply doen't happen ime. I would be keener to choose a school which reflected my values regardless of who actually went there.

BTW I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with single sex education! Just on reading your OP I'm not entirely sure of why the current school is obviously superior to the other one. Doesn't mean that it isn't.

DD was initially keen on a school which specialises in arts & media. A bus ride away. Several of her friends were applying which may have been an issue.

We were keen on the nearer school (which also had friends applying to) which had a more academic ethos and (at the time) no specialism, which meant all subjects were studied and none seemed neglected, as opposed to the arts & media which had very poor science facilities amongst other things.

Whilst we never insisted she went to the school we preferred and I would not have made her go against her will, we did work hard on upping the good points of the school. We all did a 'pros and cons' list for the three schools we looked at. Eventually, she saw things from our point of view. And she was delighted when she got the letter saying she'd got in! Phoned me at work to tell me!

And never, never have I regretted it. But then if she'd gone to the arts & media school I'm sure she'd do very well, too.

I do wonder why she'd want to travel further to get to school when it wasn't obviously better than the nearer school. And I know that she's glad we (jointly) made the decision for her to go to the school she's at now.

And to come back to the original question, do have a look at the other school, ask questions of teachers and pupils there (and parents if you can) and do a pros and cons list. Weigh it up honestly and make an informed decision. It may not be the one your child wants now, or it may be you'll change your mind. Keep an open mind but do point out pitfalls (distance to travel to school is a good one) and advantages.

Dear all

Thanks for all the advice. Am going to have another look at the schools- this time ex dh (dd's Dad) is coming too. Up to now (as when the primary decision was made) he has not expressed an interest, very much of the "Oh I'll leave it up to you". Once we have done that we will sit down and decide what we think is best. Probably should have tried harder to get him involved sooner - messy breakup, divorce still not finalised- that's a whole other thread.

Thanks again xx