Help! Emotional problem

[longmoment]

My son is 11 years old from China, and just joined an independent school as a full boarder in the UK since Sep 2020. Last week, I was told by the school that they thought my son was having some problems in terms of language and body language. They suggested to have an external psychologist to take an emotional intelligence assessment to find out a way to help him as they couldn't find a helpful way to improve the behaviours. They didn't tell me what exactly happened during the school. In my view, my son is always easy-going, positive, and always willing to make friends. But I have to say that he did take a lot of pressure as moving to a new country, new environment, different culture, different language, and also intensive preparation for ISEB pre-test. He handled all of these well, and he did tell me that he did not have friends at school although he seems happy being at school.
I do not know if it is necessary, and also if it is common to do this kind of assessment. As in China, we usually do not do that. Meanwhile, a report will be generated after the assessment, which will be passed to the senior school, will it affect senior school's decision?
Thank you very much in advance for any advice and help.

No it is not common and suggests he has had difficulties settling. Overseas boarding at 11 is not usual in UK, does the school have a large cohort of similar children from abroad or is he among a small number full boarding? Does he have a guardian nearby? If he does have an underlying issue you may need to advise his prospective senior school or reconsider your options.

Thank you very much. The school only has some overseas students I think. In year 6, only 3 overseas out of 37, and only one Chinese student. Round 40% are boarding students, but most are flexi boarders, only 10 staying at school on weekends. Are you saying that the school has less experience about how to deal with overseas students, especially Asian student who has different culture? Maybe it is not necessary to get a psychologist involved. I am in the UK now, and I am thinking to suggest to get our parents involved first to see how it goes.

Possibly but also it would be very difficult to settle in those circumstances whether 11, 13 or older. Why pick that school and so young? It must be a huge culture shock for him. I also wonder if you are not fully understanding the type of assessment or issues school is raising. Is his standard of English good?

If they are suggesting some emotional support after the assessment that would be a good thing.

If the school are suggesting a psychologist i would absolutely follow their advice

If he's one of only a very few boarders, he's probably feeling lonely and isolated especially if there are any possible slight language/cultural barriers.

Were you in China last term or in the UK? If you were in China then that's quite isolating for him - most children will be going home some weekday evenings and at the weekends but yours won't even be seeing you for exeat weekends.

If you're in the uk now why isn't your first thought to get involved yourself, why leave it up to your parents? And yes why did you pick that school? Seems entirely unsuitable. Poor kid must be so lonely

I have to be honest and agree if you are in the U.K now, I do think you need to actually have a lengthy conversation with them in terms of what these behaviours are & what they have tried to do to manage and improve the situation. To get to the point of bringing a specialist in, something must be going very wrong.

In my day, children from as young as 7 boarded full time with overseas parents. I was 10 when my parents sent me here. I’m English so there was less of a cultural shock and no language difficulty but your son has made a bigger leap than I did. Best wishes to you both.

Your son has had a massive change in his life, whilst the whole world has been turned upside down.
It sounds like school believe he is struggling, and want to be able to support him - and frankly, if the report means he doesnt get into the senior school you are aiming for, it isnt the right place for him long term.

We are a mixed family of HK Chinese and British. Watching the kids cousins being brought up in HK shows just how different cultural norms can be, and if the school is primarily composed of kids used to British culture and customs, things that are totally normal for you and your son may stand out as odd. We have also spend several years in the middle east, and just fitting back into an English school has proven tricky at times. It is the turns of phrase (going the other way, asking for a rubber in class caused much mirth - Erasers in American english), popular culture, TV programmes, computer games to some extent, although these are more global, the expectation you go to school in the rain (rain = school closed to my kids initially), the astonishment that other kids didnt know what language was spoken in Mauritius (because their best mate from there always aced French lessons), but at the same time, unable to locate London on a UK map. It just marks you out as different.
But also, and I'm trying to be gentle, is it in your son's nature to want to please his parents, and not admit if things are going wrong, or some weaknesses have come to light. So he is saying all is good, because he knows that is the expected answer.

I'd be making appointments with school to find out their concerns before returning to China.

Good luck. I hope you get the answers you need, along with a happy well settled child soon.

If he's only one of 10 staying full-time as a boarder on the weekends I think this is the problem. He probably misses you very much and wishes to come home or at least leave the school like everyone else on weekends and see his family. He probably feels abandoned. Why is he all alone when everyone else gets to go home?

Boarding school is VERY intense. You can never be alone, never be by yourself, you can never be still or at peace. Always there is someone there, talking, chatting, asking, wanting, do this, do that, go here go there, and you are in a very timetabled kind of life that is overseen by people other than your parents so there is no leeway. (I went at 10 and I missed my family so very much it was painful. I used to cry into my bath towel at night). I could not go home as my parents moved away but my grandparents used to take me out on weekends. This was not perfect but it was better than nothing.

But to be a whole term at school? With no break??? Honestly I think this is borderline abusive to your DS. I know this is an inflammatory statement but why would you send your most treasured possession away to another country. Yes it might be a great school but what scars are you creating inside his head for the future.

He probably knows this is your dream. But is it his? He may not want to disappoint you so he says he is happy. I would suggest you move to the UK close by and allow him to have a home life while at the school so he can have some time away during the week, on weekends and at half-term.

Yes the school should certainly run the report. You should certainly listen to it. From their point of view they'd rather not lose a pupil but they have a duty of care to every human being that if they see them depressed and expressing body language and language that that person is in pain or unwell in some way, then they must do that and I am pleased to hear they are taking it seriously.

Can you find a school with a better reputation for international boarding? I have a friend who works at a school with a significant international boarding presence and I imagine it would be a better fit than a school that is full of backwards people who are not used to cultural difference.

@BoomShakeShake, with respect, I think you are being rather hard on the OP. Like you, I went at 10. I didn’t love it either - but unlike you, I did find space to be alone - my best friend was a day girl and I’d spend the weekend in a library beanbag reading. My parents felt they were doing the very best thing by me schooling wise and it’s what people if their background did, I’m sure no thought of sending me to another country being cruelty entered their head at all! Nor did it affect my relationship with them or other members of my family.

A child at boarding school with no friends cannot be happy. You really need to work out if it is the best place for him. Maybe a school with more full time international boarders would be better? Or maybe he is just not suited to boarding?

The report should highlight your son's needs to you which should help you choose a better path for him.