Everyone's Invited website - why so much mentioning of LUS?

[tippygrace]

The website has been widely circulated among private school parents since yesterday.
I just had a look this morning and was shocked to find a disproportional number of testimonies from former pupils at Latymer Upper School.
www.everyonesinvited.uk/survivor-testimonies
Does this volume speak of any truth?
(I'm having DC considering entry to the school for 11+)

[quote XelaM]@Moppetsgalore Sorry but parents who work full time (to pay the huge school fees) can't attend every parent event the school lays on. It's hardly an indication of their commitment to their children's health.[/quote]
Agree. When not working, my time is better spent with my children than at their schools networking/gossiping with other parents. Lots of us don't attend these events, not because we don't care, but because we're already well educated on these issues through our own work or having older children

@10000maniacs

Many of us with children at secondary have multiple schools, so attending these events at each school along with working full time and trying to be at home for aforementioned supervision is indeed truly a struggle. And I am sorry but I don't personally know of one teen who doesn't have social media?! But the real issue here is that this school is indeed mentioned loads. I had heard about drugs and girls being pressured for sex acts at Latymer parties over the past ten years from friends with DC at the school and from my daughters who have friends at the school (mine are at at another local girls school). The fact that this cohort seems to grow up faster than other area schools is one reason why we didn't apply. Of course it is true that these things happen everywhere but wow, the Latymer stories are more pervasive than others it has seemed for years and it seems now. For me, the absolute worst bit is students talking about things that happen AT SCHOOL at LUS in a number of cases, and that also it is said that (even with parent complaints), in many instances, issues were glossed over or not taken seriously by the head and team.

I just don’t think you can generalise about a school. So much depends on the child. My DCs at LU have many friends at single sex schools ( state and private) and have said they feel less pressure to grow up faster as they have male friends, don’t see boys as ‘exciting’ etc. Certainly the DD I had at a single sex school was just the same maturity wise as her Sister at LU. I have quizzed them at length ( DD in particular) and she genuinely does not recognise the tales of what has happened at school although that’s not to say it hasn’t happened in years gone by. She’s read through the website - I think there was a post about standing on desks to measure skirts? - and she said nothing like that would ever happen. I’m sure they are no angels and there will of course be the odd comment between sexes that you wouldn’t get in a single sex school but it is nothing like the den of iniquity that some posters like to imagine it is, at least not in the last few years that my DC have been there.

I guess it beggars the question, where were the parents during these ‘Latymer parties’, most of the kids aren’t old enough to go out ‘partying’ legally on their own. Where is the money for drink and drugs coming from? What are the parents doing? All of this can’t be laid at the doors of the/any school. If a school is doing as much as it can to break a cycle and educate the kids, then further to that it’s the parents job to intervene, bring up their children properly and supervise. Didn’t the school expel 10 or so kids just a few years ago for suspected drugs? Seems like they take a no nonsense approach to that kind of behaviour in school, maybe the parents should be taking a stronger stand out of school.

I have no association with Latymer at all, it just bugs me when kids blame their problems squarely on their school for not ‘telling them how to behave’ as a decent person.

I feel sorry for all the kids that have suffered as victims, all over. However parents need to step up and get a grip on this behaviour, which is clearly, the n the majority it seems from the testimonies, originating/occurring outside of schools.

And it will be a small group of hard partying kids from all these schools going to the same parties together. Most kids aren’t involved in it and aren’t interested in it but they are all suffering from the negative publicity etc. It’s upsetting my DS and his friends that people may start making assumptions about him if he says where he goes to school when he loves his school and is proud of it and its forward looking ethos.

Disturbing for the parents?! what about disturbing for the girls that had these awful things happen to them ! The school have not issued any formal reply no apology to these brave girls that step forward. It’s always worth remembering the girls will have that memory in their head for the rest of their lives while the boys forget. I think a massive issue is the school not providing enough education to these children on these topics. Because if they did they would not do this. I think the school really need to step forward here

@tippygrace

Thanks *@1968old* for reassuring words

I imagine it must be really upsetting for the children and parents. These incidents, if true, must have happened outside school ie at parties and hanging out. How on earth does LUS appear more than others? Is there an agenda against the school or did things really happen?

Where you said “these incidents if true “ please understand how degrading and horrible that sentence would be to a victim of sexual harassment/ assault / rape . It makes it sound like we are making it up , we’re not. Please try using other phrases like “these incidents must have happened outside of school” no need for the “if true” This is why women hide what has happened to them as they’re scared people won’t believe them. This is one of the biggest changes people need to make. Especially adults because if adults don’t our children most definitely won’t xx No hate here just wanted to advise thanks x

Well said, @JessiePhillips. There is another article in The Times mentioning more schools directly, including Hampton.

I work in a London school in a pastoral capacity and we’ve been handling complaints like this from traumatised pupils for years. It rings very true.

How do you know the schools haven’t issued formal replies or apologies to the girls in question if they have contacted the schools? I can’t answer for the other schools but can say that the LU have issued many formal statements to current pupils, parents and former pupils in the last few days and are taking all the allegations extremely seriously. I would also say that they provide a massive amount of education to their pupils on these types of things. Many of the posts relate to things that happened in all the schools a good few years ago. I think things have changed in the last few years and hopefully things will improve more.

I am an LUS parent and my DD says she has never experienced anything like what some posters describe, nor have her friends

Surely these incidents have to be investigated properly to know exactly what happened and to whom in order to take remedial action. One cannot help anyone until the details (and exactly to what extent the responsibility lies with the school itself) are understood

The sad testimonials - and some of these comments undermining their authenticity and how they reflect - or rather don’t reflect..? - on their schools encourage me to post for the first time

In response to amongst others Moppetsgalore - and not specific to any school - of course parents are accountable for their children’s upbringing and social education. Goes without saying. So are their school’s where they spend 7 hours a day 5 days a week and acquire their friendship circles. No number of ‘parents events’ put on by a school will educate students as to how to truly feel and behave. Social development and the culture of a school lies at grass roots - day-to-day interactions with friends and teachers, an unspoken immersive culture (every school has one), which areas of students’ development are prioritised (there is always an order). These are the things that differentiate schools - and why families chose one private school over another.

Sorry meant @Moppetsgalore

Sounds like London is catching up to Sydney a few weeks ago. This has been an issue for weeks here (well years but weeks in the press). Hopefully there will be significant changes to consent education but the bigger issue is the parenting to be honest - the parties and the raising of young men with significant issues around entitlement and lack of respect for women (and hopefully I can say that as a parent of boys at one of the schools involved in Sydney).

www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.abc.net.au/article/13218674

The kids don’t have parties at school, in fact the results of these schools would somewhat indicate that a certain degree of study might be going on. Yes, the children can be monitored and coached in school, in fact I read further up that Latimer delivers all the parent events, and more, to their kids in an age specific way every term. A culture of parties of this nature (fuelled by booze, drugs, ultimately someone’s cash), clearly points to no appropriate parental control out of school. My daughter goes to parties, I’m always there, front and centre, watching. As I’m responsible for my child and the others. When she goes to other parties, I vet them, we talk about it before and after, there are boundaries set.

Parents have ALL the levers around controlling their kids behaviour and actions out of school, no matter what the ‘culture’ might be in school.

The testimonials on this website make very uncomfortable reading. My heart goes out to every young women or girl who has experienced unwanted sexual attention and then made to feel shame/guilt/blame for it.

Personally, I very much doubt LU has more sexual harassment cases than any other co-ed school, but rather the site has become known to girls at that school through word of mouth and they have felt empowered to share their experiences.

As a parent with a daughter due to start secondary in September I am left questioning what to do? I can educate her on the dangers of the internet/alcohol/personal safety but I can't bubble wrap her. I also don't want her taking away an impression that ALL boys/men are like that.. how is this healthy? A culture of mutual respect and personal empowerment feels a good place to start..

Parents at these schools, particularly those of boys, need to face these testimonials head on and not deny them and work with the school.
Perhaps there were just more people who came forward at LU - I do think this is a societal problem though I do at times get the impression parents who focus on academic achievement for their children perhaps fail to do as much in raising well adjusted, kind and considerate children.
A similar instagram testimonial account spring up last summer at Graveney school in South London about racism endemic in the school among the children and teachers as it has a highly selective stream. @Graveneystoriesofracism. I only think positive change will come out of this openness much inspired by the BLM protests which erupted. So social media can help fight back.
I think it's very important to listen and acknowledge. We are in the age of social media nastiness and easily available porn.
The children need to be guided through all this.

These stories make for a very difficult reading, especially as a prospective parent for LU.

My DD is due to start in September and due to the pandemic we have not been able to visit the school, but have rather gone with what we read, other LU parents testimonials and the great reputation of the school.

Seeing all this now has left us very confused on what to do, just 2 weeks after we made our school choice.

Any prospective from current LU parents will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help!

It must be difficult to make head or tail of this if you are thinking of applying for your child to go to Latymer.
I suspect there are many facets to this but one of them is a reporting bias.
I have a son and a daughter in LUS and the picture painted by the everyone's invited website is not the picture that my children paint. After some discussions, my son told me of one instance of a boy in his year making an inappropriate comment on a chat and the boy was spoken to and disciplined. My daughter told me about one boy in her year who touched a girl inappropriately and was disciplined and suspended. They dont know of any other incidents in their respective years.
Of course, there will have been other incidents over the last ten years or so and it is good that people are coming forward so that this whole subject can be addressed, hopefully in a helpful way. I am not convinced that this is more of an issue at LUS than many other schools in the country and I suspect that one reason for the many posts on instagram from LUS is that the pupils there are very socially aware and would always be among the first to challenge harmfully accepted norms. Of course, Instagram at the tail end of a lockdown is a double edged sword for the dissipation of unspent energies but I am aware that the school has been greatly troubled by the concerns raised by former and current pupils.
In a way, the school has been hoisted by its own petard, as there has been a lot of focus on issues around gender in the school which is probably one of the more progressive schools on these themes. The school has always been very inclusive with low tolerance for insensitive and inconsiderate behaviour. They have a lot of PHSE lessons and workshops on these themes. Many of them helpful, although some of them somewhat baffling to some of the pupils - I sense the boys are feeling very confused as social media can seem to interpret the discussion on toxic masculinity as suggesting that all masculinity is toxic instead of exploring what non-toxic masculinity means for a generation of boys who will grow up to be men.

I’ve already posted up thread but I also have a boy and a girl at the school and would completely agree with the post above.

thank you for your replies

Perhaps I would put LUS's spotlight on the website down to the fact that it is the largest private co-ed secondary school in London, particularly in affluent West London. If anyone wants to throw an American style teen party that's probably the best place to go. The school has a large number of pupils going to US universities as well. Same with St Pauls. The two schools have probably the highest number of US university places in London.

So parents sending children there should appreciate the American liberalism but also the disadvantage that comes with it. In a way such liberalism would prepare the children well for uni / college life (parents can't monitor all parties forever).

I'm not saying any indecent experiences are acceptable, not here, not in US, not in school or uni or college or life, EVER.

The American parents were very worried about alcohol at parties, I think the heavy drinking parties are held by liberal British parents (had children at some of the schools mentioned).

What on earth is an “American style teen party”?

LUS most certainly is not one of the two biggest USA uni feeders in London

American parent here and worth mentioning that we decided against LUS when looking at senior schools even though it was on our doorstep (maybe we wouldn't have passed admissions but did end up at other very selective schools). The impression we got of the school from the many families and children we know who attend was that the children matured too quickly and were exposed to more than we felt comfortable with. We had a few years of a neighbor's Latymer parties and though I'm sure there are many lovely kids and families who are likeminded to myself and DH, we were surrounded by something else entirely and it really did put me off the school.

So, I don't agree this is "American" liberalism, especially as in the US we are less forgiving about drinking at that age. Elitism and wealth are a big factor, I'm sure, give the school's location.

That said, this issue is everywhere in every school. I have also been thinking about how to handle this in my own home with my children and their friends who we welcome into it.