Head or Heart - switching schools

[birdseeder]

Hi, I kind of want to get this written down somewhere as it's currently just going around and around in my head.

So, our eldest was offered our 1st choice secondary this month. It was not his top choice, but was on the list.
None of his "best" friends are going there and even worse, the "bullies" of his current year group are.

Someone at school has told him (grrr) that he/we can go on waiting lists for other schools, so now that's what he keeps asking for.

So for last 2 weeks, we having be bigging up the school, the clubs etc and thought we were getting there.

Now today he has had a run in with some of the kids mentioned above and it's been tears etc when he got home. Poor thing seems very stressed.

The problem is; the other school his friends are going to is in special measures. It's working really hard to get thru it and they moved into a new building last year, so is very shiny and new.

We were impressed when we toured it last year, so before results came out; I had resigned myself to saying it will be fine is he gets it etc.

So to get our top choice, we were initially thrilled.

But now I have a real heart v head thing going on.

Do we keep trying to be positive about the school for next 6 months or try and get a place at other school & roll into secondary in a really positive mindset with a school he prefers and with friends who support him.

Obvs this could all be moot and they may not have spaces, but should we atleast try?

Gah, my husband will honestly just go with what I think is best; so even tho was have discussed it, we don't get anywhere lol

Has anyone else been in a similar position and can offer some insight?

Thanks x

It is really hard for them to realise (not surprisingly) that there are so many more children to choose from at secondary school, they make lots of new friends and, really importantly, their friends from primary make new friends too and might not be friends with them after a while.

About half the class from primary went to ds's secondary school. The secondary let you put the names of a couple of people you'd like to be with - ds was with one of those names in his form class - and equally, we were allowed to say if there was someone we didn't want our dc to be with, which we did so he was put on the other side of the year from his primary bullies and it just stopped being a problem because they didn't see each other. I think that's fairly standard for Y7.

By the time we got to end of Y7, none of the primary school friends were still friends as they'd all met new people and by the time ds left at the end of 6th Form he was part of a really lovely mixed sex group that all got on brilliantly and whose friendships had grown through Y7 onwards.

Go with the school you've got and, if he wants to see his old friends, they can meet up but don't go with another school based only on the fact he thinks he will be lonely.

Schools in special measures get the kitchen sink thrown at them re; funding and new SLT and governance structure.
It can be a positive thing wrt making a school better

What I'm saying is in a relatively short time the school could be better than your no 1 choice
That's been my experience

Go with your son's preferred school. What's the point in a "great" school if your son is unhappy?

There's obviously pros and cons either way, but I wouldn't let the friendship issue influence you too much.
As a PP mentioned, you an ask the school to separate your DS from the children he has been bullied by. In fact you may even find your primary school have mentioned issues to the secondary - that proved to be the case when I raised similar concerns about one of my children.
And in my experience, most children don't stick with their primary friendship group at secondary anyway. All mine had completely new friends by Christmas in year 7, even the one who was put in a class with their best friend since they were in nursery together.
It is one of the beauties of Secondary schools. Whilst the scale may seem daunting, especially if coming from a small Primary, there are just so many potential new friends. As children are growing up and developing their own interests and personalities there is much more chance of them finding like minded friends at Secondary. Mine didn't fall out with their old friends as such, they just soon found other people that they had more in common with. That's really, really common and whilst it will seem like a huge issue to your DS now, in all probability he will make different friends whichever school he attends. So I would go on other factors if I were in your shoes.

I completely see what you're saying. It is a dilemma. If in a similar situation I would have a proper sit down with my DC and let the decision be theirs if there is genuine and sound reasoning for it. I feel for you, it really is a difficult one.

Sorry I disagree with allowing an 11 year old to make the decision. At that age they can't have the full understanding of the implications of their choices.

But I wholeheartedly agree with the fact that they really do find their people in secondary and usually have very little to do with primary friends beyond the first half term. So I wouldn't the choosing a school in special measures just to be with his current friends - they will spread their wings anyway, so your son may as well have the experience of the good school and make new friends. Also you would absolutely need to raise the bullying issue with the secondary school so they know to place them in separate forms.

If I was in your shoes I'd stick with your school offered and have a lot of discussions with your son about the excellent school that it is etc and also about how you will ensure they primary bullies don't spill over into his secondary life.

There are two questions. One is how bad the second school is. As others have said, special measures means lots of time and even money is being invested in solving the problem. Depending on what the problems were, that might mean it's already "better" than the other school (because the bar to get out of special measures is higher than the bar to go in - they don't remove the label until they're sure things are good enough). It's worth doing a bit of research on what the original inspection report said, and what any subsequent reports have said. If some of the problem is a really rough intake, that's always harder for the school to conquer - but actually, the best remedy for that one is for the "nice supportive families" to take the risk so that there is a good intake of kids who will be positive influences.

The second question is whether the bullies are going to be a problem. At the very least it's likely that they would be able to avoid them being in the same form - although things like maths sets and PE will involve different forms. If it's a large school, they may be able to avoid them being in the same year half, so they don't end up in the same class for anything. (DD's school asked the kids in year 6 if there was anyone they wanted to be in the opposite year half to - it wasn't a guarantee - which was just as well for her as she is now back to being good mates with the child who was being horrible to her at the time. Possibly the year 6 teachers told them to take her request with a pinch of salt.)

Friendships do change quite a bit as they go up to secondary. 11 year olds can't see that far ahead, and right now when they're just having to get used to being back with people they know after a gap, the idea of summer off and then going back to school with people they don't know is more daunting than in a normal year.

If the special measures school is undersubscribed, there would be the option of transferring there later if the first one really doesn't work out. If it's not, then you might not get a place via the waiting list.

You can't always avoid the bullies, so it may be more important to know that the school takes bullying seriously. I taught one lad who had chosen our school largely to get away from the kids who bullied him at primary. Then the ringleader got excluded, and guess where he ended up...

I think you need to do some more research. LEAs have released their offers results now so you should be able to see if school 2 has filled it's allocation or not. If it hasn't, then it becomes a real option to change. But also think about why you put school 1 first and look at things like the curriculum and what your son will gain from each school. The special measures one is certainly a gamble, and you may not be able to get a place at school 1 at a later date.

Thanks to all who commented.

It's really helped to put it down in writing, we definitely won't be making any rush decisions.

I get what some have said about primary friends; I really had a miserable Y7 due to my primary best friend dropping my like a stone for new people.

I just want him to be happy and look forward to going.

It's just hard to verbalise it so he understands why we want this school without dissing the other school where is friends are going

In the first 6 months of year 7 they grow up and change so fast. Please don't base where he goes on what his current friendship group is, it won't be the same by Christmas.

Is there any chance any of his friends might be on the waiting list for the school you have as it seems so much better on paper or are they all in their first choice?

Are there any children he likes going to the school he’s got and if so can you look to foster friendships? And is anything being done to tackle the bullying problem in the Primary school that he is at? Could this be sorted before Secondary?

I agree with all the others that Secondary friendships do change a great deal. I’d definitely speak to the school in advance and explain the situation and ask if he could be in a different class. DD is Year 8 and the classes didn’t mix really at all in Year 7 and are only doing so now because of Bubbles. If he is in a different class, the reality is that he might not mix with them at all.it will also be nice for him to have his Primary friends as a separate group and balance to school friends.

I do get that a lot of money will be thrown at the other school but personally it would be an absolute no - rightly or wrongly!

Sounds like if things don't work out at 1st choice school there will be places at the "new building" school. That is always good to know whereas switching the other way sounds unlikely.

Go with head and don't look back.