Y11 DD struggling to finish school

[Hoppinggreen]

We have a very academic DD at a small Private school with a good reputation. Ever since being a toddler she has struggled socially and there were a pot of ups and downs at her large state primary but she did end Y7 with a good group of friends.
We chose the Private school because the State option was not good and she had Previously been bullied for being a “swot” so we thought the smaller classes etc would suit her. Maybe that was a mistake but here we are almost at the end now.
There has been minor bullying, once it was quite bad and after some pushing at our end one child was expelled (was on their final warning). DD has sometimes had a good group of friends but then she will feel they don’t like her or like someone better or she will feel ignored. We feel that some of this might be true but a lot of it is her perception as well. She has self harmed (not recently) and we have been referred to CAHMS but gave up on that and went Private. The school has been broadly supportive but perhaps they could have done more.
She has very good predicted grades and has the college offer she wants.
We knew she was very anxious about going back to school this week and was ready all weekend. On Monday she wasn’t too bad but was really upset yesterday and begged not to go back. It doesn’t sound like anything specific happened, just a general feeling of loneliness and not being liked. She does have a really lovely boyfriend but they hang out in different groups so don’t spend much time together at school. We have suggested she return to the Counsellor, who she did like,but she says that won’t change things.
DH has suggested we speak to school and ask if she can home school from now until she finishes. I am not sure it’s a good idea as she will be totally isolated and the few friends she has will probably forget about her altogether. I am not sure it will set her up properly for College as well as she will need to make new friends there (although there will be people from her school there). We have tried to explain she just needs to get through the next couple of months and that’s it but she still begs not to have to go - she says she spends all day feeling sad and lonely. I know she has had friendship issues but I also feel that she sometimes anticipates problems and is quite unfriendly and does exude “ice queen” at times. For example she said she had no friends over Summer but one girl dropped off a big bar of chocolate with a note saying how much she missed her and another girl asked her to go for a walk last weekend. So I do think it’s in some way partly her fault (hate to use the word)
But whatever the reasons here we are and we just don’t know what to do. It’s heartbreaking watching her head off to school where she will be so sad (although her brother is also there and he says he has seen her laughing with friends) and then dealing with the tears and pleading when she gets home
Sorry it’s so long but does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

Have a look at the Facebook group "Not Fine in School".

They have loads of information, advise, support.

One of the most common issues is returning to school after a holiday, break is very hard for a lot of children.

Thank you . I will do that

Not trying to diagnose over the internet but consider the possibility that your dd is autistic. A lot of what you say is typical.

It sounds as though you have the funds for a private assessment and that might help you to find appropriate support to help her develop coping strategies and find the right environment for her for sixth form?

@ArosAdraDrosDolig

Not trying to diagnose over the internet but consider the possibility that your dd is autistic. A lot of what you say is typical.

Thank you but this has been ruled out by several professionals as different stages of her life. I am not dismissing the possibility though

She may not have met the criteria for autism but there’s something called Social/Pragmatic Communication Disorder. Similar to autism in many ways but without the repetitive obsessive aspect of behaviour. There’s specialist speech therapists that work with ‘clever’ (predominantly girls) who have worked out for themselves how to give eye contact etc and ‘pass’ in social situations but still struggle with the nuances of social interactions. I’m not saying your DD has this but given you’ve looked at autism there’s obviously been some signs. It may be worth researching this further.

@Complexneeds- I was going suggest this
My godson was ‘diagnosed’ with this

It’s actually not very helpful as a diagnosis as there’s zero support available BUT it may help to understand how she thinks and feels. Some people have to mask and compensate massively (especially at school) so it’s incredibly exhausting for them. I’ve also recently read that it can be part of Attention Deficit (hyperactivity) Disorder too. There’s a very highly respected speech pathologist/researcher in the states that has lots of info online but I’m damned if I can recall her name.

It was looked at when she was around 8 I think due to some issues she had with food. She has also seen 2 Private Counsellors who considered it but thought not. A close friend is also involved in assessing Autism and has known DD from birth, she also thinks not. However, I do appreciate it can be harder in girls to diagnose. She tends to over think and was mentally very very hyper as a baby, Didn’t sleep much and always passed milestones well ahead of time.
I think what we really need to know is in the short term is there any option other than returning to school? She’s so close to finishing now (although there’s no guarantee college will be better). I suppose it’s a conversation to have with school but even if they can come up with something is it a good idea for her to finish now? I know there are activities etc planned that she would probably enjoy

@Hoppinggreen

It was looked at when she was around 8 I think due to some issues she had with food. She has also seen 2 Private Counsellors who considered it but thought not. A close friend is also involved in assessing Autism and has known DD from birth, she also thinks not. However, I do appreciate it can be harder in girls to diagnose. She tends to over think and was mentally very very hyper as a baby, Didn’t sleep much and always passed milestones well ahead of time. I think what we really need to know is in the short term is there any option other than returning to school? She’s so close to finishing now (although there’s no guarantee college will be better). I suppose it’s a conversation to have with school but even if they can come up with something is it a good idea for her to finish now? I know there are activities etc planned that she would probably enjoy

Could she possibly attend school part time for a few weeks? She is an able student and near the end of her GCSES and there are no exams. I would have thought that they would be able to set work for her and she could send it in for marking.

There is really good online provision for children who are isolating so this might be possible
I am not sure what this would mean for college and/or the friendships she has (although she says she doesn’t have any)

Have you spoken to school yet about this? The Head of Year or Head of Pastoral care should be able to work with you and your dd to find a solution, whether that’s working on-line, attending part-time or support put in place so dd feels able to return to school.

I hope you can work something out.

I have a dd who sounds very similar to yours, also in Y11. Only recently have we realised the possibility that she is ASD. She hides it really well. It seems she has been mimicking NT behaviour. Now she is on waiting list for private assessment.

We have spoken to school every time there is a “crisis” and while they seem to be very understanding nothing is done in practical terms.
The Head was Deputy Head when the severe bullying happened and she wanted to just gloss over it until we really pushed it and The Head at the time stepped in and handled it properly. They say all the right things but I don’t see how they can change anything

Oh this is so hard! I really feel for you both. Have your school hinted when they may finish? There’s quite a bit of speculation that it’ll May half term, which isn’t too long if she can cope with that? 3 weeks to Easter, 3 weeks off given it’s private & back for another 5 weeks? Is that about right?
I’d definitely be talking to school to determine exactly how they are assessing her and gathering the evidence for her GCSEs? It’s not quite ‘exams cancelled’ as some may believe. Lots of schools are doing tests to gather the evidence required for their grades. If she’s not attending school you both need to know what evidence they’ll use? They may not accept work done at home as (I think) some tests have to be done in exam like conditions.

Thank you
We don’t have a finish date yet unfortunately, I think it would certainly help though. I tell her she’s only got a couple of weeks until Easter etc and that every day she goes is one less to do.
It breaks my heart that she probably won’t go to prom or do any of the other fun activities that are planned but it’s completely her choice.
She has done mocks and the results are far more than she needs for college and she has had continuous assessment so I don’t think there would be a problem with being awarded the grades. My main concern at this point is that she won’t be ready for college if she leaves now, either socially or academically.
We have now put a series of incentives in place, so each week she gets through she gets a (small) reward, this week it’s a new lamp she wants for her room. We are also pushing her to exercise more (we have a home gym) and I also think she might be anaemic, which can have an effect on mood so we are addressing that.
We do need to arrange a meeting with school as well though

I think what you’re doing with encouraging her to keep going towards the end which is in sight is your best option. If you let her stop going to school now what will happen when she doesn’t want to go to college? Or Uni (if she goes)? Or her job? There will be times in her life when she feels uncomfortable or unhappy and teaching her to just avoid these things won’t be helpful in the long run.

I agree but it’s so hard to watch.

I agree it is very, very hard to see our dc unhappy. However, as parents we have to allow ourselves to accept we can’t always fix things for them. We have to try to help them help themselves which is a lot, lot easier said than done. It sounds like you are trying hard to do this and doing all the right things.

It sounds like your dd falls into ‘negative thinking traps’. Thinking people don’t like her when they do, for example. Is she aware of this herself and is she getting any help for this? Could she be depressed?

She has previously had help with Counselling but refuses to go at the moment. We are trying to encourage her to and the lady she was seeing did seem to help for a while but the DD just said she wasn’t going any more as she was ok (clearly not). She is very negative and takes everything very personally and as a sign everyone hates her. There has been some bullying as I said earlier and a few minor spats but she says she feels invisible rather than picked on.

She has been unlucky too. One close friend moved away and another came out as Gay , which absolutely wasn’t an issue for DD but the friend said she had feelings for DD and when she didn’t reciprocate got quite nasty.