How can you choose a secondary that is good with bullying/pastoral care?

[GrilledCheeze]

DS is only in Y4. He has a condition that causes several phyisical differences the most outwardly noticeable of which is a facial deformity which is eye catching.

He currently attends a lovely little primary and so far no issues have arisen. Because if it's location the school sends kids to at least half a dozen different secondaries so they is no guarantee he will have friends there.

I do all I can to raise his confidence and resilience but ultimately I am very concerned about bullying. What should I look for in a secondary? How will I know?

We are in a grammar area (Bucks) and he is very bright so will pass the 11+ easily. I am personally and politically against grammars and would prefer not to send him but if they are likely to be the best for bullying I will. We could afford private - there isn't one very locally and would have to figure out the logistics but it could be done. We would even consider moving. So lots of options but how will I even know? All schools claim to be hot on bullying IME...

Ultimately I don't think you ever really know until you need to.
Like you say every school claims to have good pastoral care/bullying policies.
For every family who say their school was good, you'll meet another who were let down.
The only thing I would suggest is if you get the merest sniff of a school not doing their bit, get on to them pronto.
Don't worry about being that parent.
Don't think for one minute private or Grammar will necessarily provide better care.

Agree with Ihopeyourcakeisshit. I think you are doing the right things. You might want to put feelers out (via MN perhaps? Or by asking around locally - other parents who have older children at the possible schools) about how schools deal with bullying.

Getting on to schools not doing their bit can be an art in itself. If it happens get a hold of the anti-bullying policy; check what they're supposed to do and if they are not doing it make sure you have gathered facts to say how. Calm and confident too.

It is about the school not whether private or state. That said, St Columba's in St Albans (private, not in area I know) is meant to be very nurturing.

Thank both. That's not ridiculously far away @Love2dance - 40 mins ish so I will have a look when the time comes, always pleased to hear a recommendation!

Whilst you might be politically and personally against grammars, if you live in a grammar area with a high achieving child you have a choice of going with the flow or your child being in a school with fewer peers of their academic level. Non grammar schools in a grammar area may move at a slower pace than in a grammar school which may cause frustration. There can be really good non grammar schools but they may target their teaching differently.

We picked based partly on pastoral care.
We chatted with parents who already had children at the schools.
We asked about how they ran pastoral care and considered the answers.

Any school that says they have no bullying is lying. it is how they deal with it that counts.

In Bucks I think you need to go with the flow with the grammar system (or move to a non grammar area).

Most current parents will know which schools have the best pastoral care. If you ask around, you will probably get a feel if the schools.

Personally, I approached each open day with a list of questions in my head, and asked the teachers in each department the same questions. How would they treat a child freezing with panic in a lesson in our case.

The teacher's replies were fascinating and did show the ethos of each school, rather than the "official" policy.

I definitely chose DS1's school correctly on the basis of the replies.

I would also go for the Grammars in Bucks if he is able enough.

13 years ago I asked about handling anorexia cases.
These days I would ask about self harm.

@Cattitudes

Whilst you might be politically and personally against grammars, if you live in a grammar area with a high achieving child you have a choice of going with the flow or your child being in a school with fewer peers of their academic level. Non grammar schools in a grammar area may move at a slower pace than in a grammar school which may cause frustration. There can be really good non grammar schools but they may target their teaching differently.

Yes I have (recently) come to accept this. Sending him to a local non-grammar doesn't seem like an option anymore, they all seem fairly poor. The choice will be grammar, private or move.

Not sure about private schools in Bucks, because the grammars tend to dominate. Which bit of Bucks are you in, roughly? I'm just over the border in Herts if it helps.

OP, I have a DS at Dr Challoner’s in Bucks. I have been so pleased with the pastoral care there. DS has ASD and is socially very awkward and did have some issues in year 7 with another child, but the school were brilliant. They absolutely recognise that bullying happens and, ime, deal with it seriously and carefully. My DS is in year 11 now and doing really well.

There are some very nurturing private secondary schools in London. Mount House springs to mind. The other private school I know that really have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to bullying (including any bullying outside school/social media) is St John's Senior school in Enfield. They actually expel pupils for bullying almost immediately (I know many parents there and it's really true)