WWYD about this? DC and bullying

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

DS moved to a new school along with a few friends last year. Once there, they all sort of went their separate ways and made new friends. One hasn't really settled down and has been in pockets of trouble since the beginning of the year. He clearly isn't very happy and his behaviour is reflecting this. At one point the whole class got detentions for something he was involved in.

Anyway, my DS has been in trouble a few times because of this boy. Basically, he goes home to his parents and says my DS and a few others have said and done things to him. I am not a parent who defends my DC no matter what and I am realistic about their behaviour, however, I can say that my DS has not really done anything. I also checked this with his peers via their parents. They all said my DS has done nothing.

Just before lockdown, my DC was called down to an office where a panel of teachers told him that had been accused of being a bully and he was read the bullying policy and I think made to sign it again. He was asked if he knew why he was there and he said he hadn't a clue. He was then told that he had smirked at the boy. This is the 3rd incident like this. My DS didn't want me to do anything about it at the time and did actually speak to the teacher himself to say it was very unfair. Then this lockdown happened.

So, we are back to school next week and I really do not want a repeat of any of this. My DS is now saying he is not enjoying school when this move turned out to be really good WRT his new friends and his academics have gone off the scale.

I am really annoyed that the school went from A-Z with my DS without finding out all the facts first. It's as if this DC's parents have got a hotline to the school and they believe everything they say, despite the fact that this DC's behaviour has been terrible from the start. I am concerned with what they are going to dream up next? From what I understand the boy's behaviour is pretty shocking and the DC react to this (e.g. a smirk or a rolling of the eyes or a FGS) and he then goes back and he isolates this and tells his parents that people are picking on him. They only get to hear about the DC sighing, or smirking, or saying FGS etc. and then those DC get told they are bullies. I think this is only going to escalate when we get back as it was doing so before lockdown.

WWYD about this?

Are they in the same classes? If so could you speak to the school and ask for your DS to be moved so it minimises the contact they have with each other. Also contact the school and tell them the affect the boy is having on your son and ask them to closely look at what is actually happening, that way you and school should get a clear picture of what is happening.

I would contact school, preferably pastoral for his year group and tell them he is concerned about returning to school. State facts, your child has never received any verbal warnings, detentions or isolations, "you feel" this child is deliberately targeting your son in an effort to get him into trouble.

Your initial mistake was this My DS didn't want me to do anything about it at the time and did actually speak to the teacher himself to say it was very unfair

Those that complain loudest are the ones who are listened to sometimes. You need to wade in on your son's behalf before he returns and nip this in the bud now, you need to also keep a diary of incidents so that you can come at this with a list (hopefully not a long one) and say on X date this happened etc.

I would check the bullying policy to see what your son should be doing if incidents occur, who can he turn to in school?

Your son should not have to move classes. My DS started high school in September and their Pastoral Lead would not tolerate any of this.

Do you have a Pastoral Lead or Head of KS3 (or whichever KS he is in) to speak to. I would be that parent and request a meeting. This could affect your DS mental health and progress at school. He really doesn't need this right now.

Good luck

He doesn't need to move classes, the first thing that can be done is asking the school to make sure that your DS doesn't sit anywhere near either the annoying boy or the boy making the accusations in lessons. If they can amend their seating plans before school starts, this would be easier in terms of covid contact tracing etc.

It's hard to say whether your DS rolling his eyes or smirking or whatever is a problem or not. It can be, particularly when lots of students are doing it, so please remind your DS not to get involved at all and just completely ignore whatever's going on.

It sounds like you haven't discussed this with the school at all? I think you need to do that as a first step. You have discussed this with other parents, but if there is bullying e.g. in the form of exclusion then it's likely that their DC will say that there is nothing going on.

You need to have a full and frank discussion with the school- give your side, and listen to what they have to say, as well.

The other child's behaviour has no bearing on this. Regardless of his behaviour, the school have a duty to deal with any bullying that may be happening.

On the first occasion, I did actually discuss it with the school and they moved the class around. On the second occasion, I let it go, and then on the third my DS said he wanted to deal with it himself. I know now that I have to get involved the next time.

WRT the thing that my son did. I know that bullying is horrible, but surely you have to take a step back and let DC build some resilience in their lives? I don't want my school to stop any banter between my DS and his peers, he can handle it himself. I am not talking about this boy because mine knows to give him a very wide berth, and say nothing to him, but he is still being targeted by this boy. He just has to be in the room I think it is because my DS has made some great friends and got picked for a few things whereas he is unhappy.

No one is bullying anyone. It is not just my DS either. Girls in their class have come back in tears after being read the riot act. You cannot say anything to this boy or look twice at him without his parents complaining very loudly and the next day the teachers take it out on the DC. I am sick of it.

The other child's behaviour has no bearing on this. Regardless of his behaviour, the school have a duty to deal with any bullying that may be happening.

But this doesn't seem right. Here is an example. He physically assaulted someone and also damaged school property. Then the DC started getting annoyed with his behaviour and started to not tolerate it, saying things like "FGS" or "stop doing that, you are so annoying" then they got read the bullying policy for saying that. How is that right? That's like censorship. We would encourage any adult to pull someone up on their behaviour, wouldn't we? Why don't DC have the same rights?

I would point out that this child is bullying others and the instrument by which he is doing it is the school bullying policy.

It’s not censorship to ask your DS to stop doing things which are winding this boy up. It’s not banter if you are told to stop it and you do not stop.

No rolling eyes, no smirking, no commenting on behaviour. It’s really unhelpful for a teacher trying to control a situation if other pupils are getting involved in whatever way.

Let the school deal with the physical assault etc, you have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes there.

Talk to the school, but please don’t argue for your DS to have the right to smirk at other kids and tell them they’re being annoying.

Of course, I am not going to do that noble.

My DS has been keeping well away from him. On the first occasion, he was pulled up for commenting to the boy "that's so silly". His mum wrote to the school about that. I then told my DC to not engage with him and the seating plan was rearranged. He kept away from him for ages and then he was pulled up about something minor on the sports field like a reaction to an own or missed goal or something. Then the smirk when other DC was shouting at someone. I know that the other boys in the class say far, far worse to him including very bad language and they have never been read the bullying policy.

I have other teens DC and honestly, this is tiny potato in the scheme of things but it is causing so much aggro. I actually think it is reverse bullying. If my DC has had 3 complaints about him then they are going to think he is a bully.

Just tell the school that your DS is anxious about going back to school because of their previous heavy-handed approach in dealing with these bullying allegations, that you have told DS to ignore and not get involved, that seating plans should be amended so that he is sat nowhere near and teachers made aware to keep an eye out and that any communication about the issue should now come to you first before being discussed with DS.

I sympathise, schools are so keen to be seen as hot on the topic of bullying, it can be frankly terrifying when another child spots that it's incredibly easy to get another child in trouble this way.

I would NOT wade in at school. Instead I would drill my DS in how to behave without reacting to, commenting on, provoking or in ANY WAY interacting with this other boy. He should completely ignore every single thing the boy does. Learn to school his facial expressions and body language. Not make eye contact. Not stand next to him in a queue. If he has to speak to him it should be factual and minimal.

I do believe this is the right course of action, and your child is old enough to do that , easily old enough. It's not about stopping him engaging in banter - he can banter with friends who don't accuse him of bullying.

Thank you noble. Especially the last sentence. I didn't like the fact that my DS sat there with 3 teachers, including a senior member of staff, and was told he was a bully. He was too intimidated to say anything at the time and came home upset. Given that I do not think he has done anything, that is what I think should happen, that they let me know and we can all discuss it together.

You can raise your concerns with the school but whether you do or not you need to tell your ds to leave this boy alone. No smirking, no comments, no anything unless the boy is directly touching/talking to/involving your ds. The boy clearly has done behavioural issues but it is possible to have those and still end up being scapegoated by your classmates picking on every single little thing you do. Particularly common with kids who start playing up for attention and annoy everyone and when it gets started it is a hard dynamic to break.

So, since this was on my mind yesterday I did email my DS's form teacher and ended up having a brief chat with them late afternoon about a possible class move next year. I am really upset this morning.

As said, I really don't believe my DS has done anything wrong and I am more convinced now. The form teacher wants me to talk to the head of the year/ pastoral care and I am expecting a call today.

My FT was really trying hard not to say too much but what she did say was that my DS is a really nice and kind little boy. She has also taught my other 2 DC and she said they are all very nice and she has never once witnessed any animosity. She said that my DS has no issue with any other DC whatsoever and she just didn't understand the reason behind this friction. She also said that the other DC's parents kept on "making complaint after complaint after complaint" about my DS and she then sounded very exasperated and said and in the end we had to do something about it, i.e. throw the book at my DS. They didn't even ask him for his side. How is this fair?

It seems to me that I actually know more about what is going on than the school. My DS and this boy have been in the same school together for a long time, they moved there. From my POV he has not settled, is v unhappy, and seen my DS getting on well with the others and decided to take out his frustrations on him. The boy goes home, says my DS has done something, his parents complain and the school listens. I don't believe the school knows what is going on behind the scenes. Do I tell them?

I really do not know what to do about this? In my mind, I think my DS now needs shielding from this. We have not been asked once about our side of the story. My DS is actually being reverse bullied which is very difficult to prove. It's as if there is a vendetta against him. This morning I thought about moving schools but he is academically doing brilliantly and he has made some lovely friends.

WWYD about this? I need to do something and quickly.

I would follow up your conversation with the FT this morning along the lines of what you've put in your post here. Say you've been thinking about it overnight and it sounds very much like your DS is being targeted/scapegoated which is not an acceptable way to deal with the situation. Its not fair for your DS to get the blame just to placate the other child's parents. Of the school think the complaints from the parents are unfounded they need to deal with that directly - not use your (or any other) child as the fall guy.

It sounds like the tutor is aware your son isn't to blame and therefore it's not acceptable to test him as though he is because that seems easier than dealing head on with the real issue.

Sorry meant to say follow up in writing with FT and copy to head of year/pastoral support etc.

Thanks for that scared. I just can't think straight this morning. I am shaking with rage.

Is there anything I can say or do about the other parent? I do know them and they are really not very nice. The other parents give them a very wide berth. That is why I need to stop this escalating and now. The other boy is in a pretty toxic home environment and I wish I could save the school time and effort by telling them this, but I don't think that is my place and that could backfire. They know none of this as he is new. I actually think he needs help. It could be a while before they work this out and in the meantime, my DS is being thrown under a bus.

I think I'd be more inclined to give that information verbally in a conversation with the form tutor rather than in writing. Although I wouldn't be surprised if the school are aware to some extent. I'm guessing your DS and this child (and others) have gone from primary to secondary together? I imagine primary schools do pass on some information to secondaries during the transition.

I think considering how concerned you are - which I totally understand - I'd ask to have a meeting over teams/zoom - with the tutor and the head of year/pastoral support to agree the approach when they're all back in school next week and agree what the plan is if school or your DS have any concerns.