Unmotivated son in Y11

[Adzii77]

I posted this in a different section but may be more relevant here... I’ve never used a forum before but I’m just at the end of my tether. Our 15 yo son, who is bright and very switched on, refuses to do anything education related including homework, studying for forthcoming GCSEs, applying for colleges or apprenticeships or even discussing anything related to school. Conversations result in a full blown argument as he truly believes school is pointless and does not teach him anything that will be useful in his future. He is adamant that he is going to be a huge success in the world without his grades and has big plans for his future. We’ve spoken to his teachers over and over and they share our frustrations with him, and really struggle to motivate him themselves. He comes from a loving and supportive family and we really do have his best interests at heart. My husband and myself are tearing our hair out with worry over his future, and wondered if we are alone or are there other teenagers out there with the same mindset?

My daughter is also in year 11 and is stuffing with lack motivation, particularly with it all being online. My older son (now 18) had a similar outlook on life at that age (I’m going to be successful and I don’t need school to help me), but in his case it was just a phase and he’s knuckled down now. I’m sure it’s a rather common issue around this age bracket especially with all the hormones going crazy. The best you can do is just support him (which you seem to be doing very well) and try to talk to him in an understanding, non-confrontational way (my daughter goes very defensive at the slightest hint of confrontation and we tend to go backwards). I understand your frustration and I hope things resolve for you.

Thank you, I’m truly hoping it’s just a phase, but it’s been quite a long one.. I really feel for students at the moment. I’m sure the online learning really works for some, but for others like in our son’s case it just doesn’t work for him at all. And since the teachers will determine their grades, I’m even more concerned as he is already on their wrong side with his attitude towards learning.. We can only hope....

I’m a big believer in letting them make their own choices in life.
My oldest went to Uni because that’s what’s expected of them, but he lasted one week. He never actually wanted to go, and he certainly didn’t want to get in debt for it.
He now loves his job and his life. He works with, and earns the same as, people with degrees but he’s not paying back that debt and he’s got far more experience.
Yes, we need to encourage, but we can’t make them do it.

Some random thoughts:

Is he scared? So doing fight or flight rather than facing up to reality?

If he won't discuss things at all, can you write a letter?

Can you explain that he has loads of options, but the one thing that isn't an option is for you to support him to do nothing?

If he doesn't stay in education your child benefit will stop. Will there be knock on impact to him, will you keep supporting him?

Would 'tough love' work? That he knows now that beyond roof & food financial support (phones, allowances etc) will stop if he isn't doing something in September?

Have you got brochures for local colleges and shown him about what a Level 1 / 2 course would be like. That he wouldn't be with his 'bright' mates as they'll all be doing A levels?

Ultimately it is his choice. I'd try changing the conversation to what his plans are for September (and if sitting on his arse gaming and being kept isnt an option best to be clear about your expectations now).

My kids have always been clear that they can leave school at any time but then they will be expected to earn a living (or do volunteer full time if paid work not available). They also know that failure to apply themselves to their studies will result in them being deregistered from school and put to work. No point in being at school if you wont put any effort in.

Does he do anything part time like work? If he isn't motivated with school that is one thing, but he should be productive in some way.

This may be out of line but I would be tempted to unplug the xbox and hide the cable, or change the wifi password until he began to clean up his act. Maybe I am too much of a drill sergeant! I know that my parents wouldn't have tolerated that and I think it would be fair for you not to either.

He does have Xbox, PlayStation etc.. but it’s not really worth confiscating them as his time isn’t spent on those as much as he spends it studying the stock market. He’s passionate about a career in trading, and spends hours and hours studying financial forecasts etc. If I go in his room, he’s not gaming, but every screen has a financial chart or graph on it! His knowledge is unbelievable and proof that he CAN study, but only if it’s something of interest to him.
I know there’s courses on economics and business that would benefit him, but he still believes he doesn’t need them. Obviously I will encourage him and support him all the way, I’d love him to be successful in his choice, but knowing how hit and miss this career choice is, I just want him to see the importance of a back up plan. Again, he doesn’t believe he needs a back up because he “won’t fail.”
I know I probably sound like a pushy parent, but I just want him to have options if things don’t pan out for him the way he wants. All I want is his happiness. Personally I wouldn’t mind what his career or income would be as long as he is happy. However, the problem is my son has BIG plans. He WANTS and expects the huge income, big house, luxury cars, etc... all from trading on the stock market that he believes he can achieve without education. This is my worry, his heart has been set on this for years but his expectations are so unrealistic, and why I feel a back up plan and studying for this is necessary...
I do agree with a tough approach. We’ve tried that and as a last resort, (out of sheer desperation!) even ended up resorting to financial bribery for good grades!

1. You are not alone

1. It is hard for most people to sustain motivation at the moment. Not least Y11's who still have no idea how they will get their grades this year, and who have missed so much time.

1. As parent of a child in similar headset, capable of doing very well but struggling to get out of bed half the time, I'm now more at one with the idea that if they flunk it this year, that is not the end of the world. They can sit them again, if they need to and when they are ready. I have a friend who failed her O-levels 3 times, who is now a University Professor, and a mate who only got Art at O level, who went to night school and after 10 years as an illustrator retrained as a doctor. It's not a one time chance, now or never. It's just some exams.