Year 7 friendship dramas

[strawbbaby]

My 11 year old has just started year 7 high school and after a good start she made a few new mates , especially 1 girl who was calling my daughter her best friend after a week. She came to the house they started hanging out on weekends and before lockdown 3 had a sleepover at the other girls house. She asked my daughter if they could get each other matching clothes for Christmas ,I though it was a bit much so I suggested my daughter just get her a skirt and her friend gets the tops so it was fair and not too much money ! This girl brought a few of the others girls presents but didn’t get my daughter anything (even though she was the one insisting on matching clothes 🙄) She said she ran out of money which I though was a bit strange but just thought they are 11 it doesn’t matter and luckily the skirts my daughter got where cheap . However since then this girl has been posting on her snap chat that other people are her best friend , it was a different girl a few weeks ago and now it’s a group of my daughters friends who she introduced her too now in a four group of BFF leaving my daughter out . I think this girl is just one of those girls who flirts through friends which has upset my dd as she is more serious about her friends and quite loyal . Please don’t tell me the whole of high school is like this ! She hasn’t fallen out with this girl but she is a bit upset that she’s ditched her for no reason .

Why does your 11 year old have Snapchat? Honestly I know 'they all have it' but it is literally the root of most arguments in y7 and 8.
Y7 is very up and down with friendships, just tell her to shake it off.

They all have it , she only has that however most of them are on TikTok , Facebook Instagram it’s scary ! I think she more hurt she introduced this girl to her friends from juniors and she’s now formed a group without my daughter with her old mates! Girls 🙈I think some of the problem lies with the lockdown situation meaning that they are very reliant on group chats and calling each other to communicate as they are not seeing each other which doesn’t help .

Yea that sucks for her. Kids can be assholes. I think this situation has everything to do with it really. It's very hard maintaining adult friendships in lockdown let alone kids in Y7. My DD is Y8 and every lockdown she's just bounced back to her out of school friends on our road, not even staying in touch with the girl she normally gets the bus with.
Tell her to hang in there, the first couple terms are hard. She sounds like a great friend.

I know this sounds hard, but DD will end up being more discerning. She will recognise these types of girls and realise it’s just an act. Wearing the same clothes? Just say no way! Don’t join in. Buying Christmas presents is a step too far!

This girl is the typical divide and rule. Your DD will probably get her friends back when they don’t all do what’s required to keep the “friend”. I wonder if her former primary friends are pleased she’s latched on to other unsuspecting girls? Probably.

Friendships take time to settle. They tend to get friends that last in gcse groups. Same interests usually. But speak to your DD about how to avoid DC like this and don’t go along with any demands. Be hard to get and don’t fall over backwards to curry favour.

If I were you I'd get her to refocus on the friendship with the three previous friends individually. Rather than group chats.

You could maybe encourage her to arrange a walk with one of them, or all of them one at a time. My dd is playing Animal Crossing with a friend on the switch which is a good focus.

She needs to get out of the group dynamic as the fourth girl is right in the centre of that.

My DD2’s little group did buy each other Christmas presents this year as well as her old Primary mates. It’s ok but I do think it should be token, bought with pocket money stuff!

What she’s going through I think is perfectly normal. DD2 is Year 8 and swapped friendship groups in Year 7. Like your DD, it all started very well but after a term she felt on the edge of the group and didn’t feel like she liked them or vice versa.

Not much she can do now unfortunately other than start pulling back and limiting her interaction with them. DD2 moved on by asking a bus friend if she could hang out with her instead - when they do go back, do encourage her to explore other friendships and join some clubs (if they are running). Perhaps she can start exploring other friendships now by some light contact on WhatsApp with girls she likes outside her immediate group, ask them how they are doing or something re a class they share?

DD1 is 26 and moved across a number of social groups in Secondary. Drama unfortunately is normal! DD1 (unlike DD2) is very socially confident and had friends in a variety of groups - I think this is the way to go to avoid some of the drama but some DC do prefer a smaller and closer number of friends.

She does meet up with one of the girls from the junior school group for a walk every week , however they are still making plans without her , its as though they do like my daughter but not enough to invite her to things or be involved in the chats , they are all clubbing together to get this new friend a big birthday present despite only knowing her 5 mins but havnt asked my daughter if she wants to chip in , maybe I should encourage to be more forward and say I’d like to but at 11 kids just do think like that do they! None of them thought to get my daughter one when it was her birthday. I think I she just needs to stay friendly but find a new circle who include her . Hopefully when they go back she can find her people

High school doesn't have to be like this provided they choose the right friends. It's difficult at first before they know what others are like but hopefully your dd can find some non drama creating friends who are nice like your dd

No. Don’t contribute. This is the queen bee you are helping along here. The wannabes just keep feeding her. Just stay out and don’t go along with it. We never bought presents other than at birthdays. It’s not necessary right now. This is a type of fawning and always leads to problems. Everyone calms down in the end and you need to explain what’s going on to DD. Be firm because you must know this is not a healthy situation. Encourage your DD to contact others.

She will meet her own people OP, at the end of the day she has had really only one term effectively at Secondary. There isn’t much she can do in lockdown but if she has good Primary friends outside of this group then I would encourage her to keep in contact with them now, it will provide some balance and help her feelings of self worth.

From what you have said, while she might not feel this friendship group value her, she has doubts about them too. While removing herself completely from social media groups they are in together isn’t the answer, I would encourage her to stop checking messages, statuses etc on a frequent basis and to lessen the frequency of her messaging involvement - remove herself slowly basically. Perhaps limit her mobile usage? DD2 is only allowed it after the end of homeschooling and up to 7pm. It’ll give her some mental space too.

This is just a first year blip and try not to angst about it yourself. She will find others she likes a lot more and who will like her as much too, she just needs to start trying to find them - this kind of experience and solving it builds social resilience and in Year 7 they are effectively trying on friends like new clothes. DD2 has this book which she finds helpful (probably more so than talking to me as I’m too forthright!) - www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Realities/dp/0307454444?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thankyou I’ll have a look at the book , I just can’t believe how quickly the switch up friend groups ! I quietly suspect that as she’s not into TikTok as she can’t dance and finds it stupid (her words) or boys yet she may be a little immature for these girls that may be why they leave her out as they revolve around doing tiktok dances , she’s likes playing her switch games more! Thanks for the advice I’ll certainly take it on board , And we Defiantly won’t be spending any more money on this girl! At least her birthday will still be in lockdown so she has an excuse as she won’t see her !

Exactly, with lockdown it’s all less in her face & hope she has a great birthday. She’s spot on re TikTok too, it’s terrible - DD2 loves it but she likes writing comedy & performing/singing. She goes to a performing arts specialising school, one of the older girls is a ‘TikTok’ star (!) and charges £1 for an autograph or selfie!