Anyone else's Y7 behaviour appallingly?

[worriedaboutmyboytoday]

After a great start to secondary, things have gone rapidly downhill.

Negative after negative on the behaviour system for disruptive behaviour, chatty behaviour. Detention last week for swearing at another student, another one today for inappropriate comments on class Teams board.

Two periods of isolation for 'play fighting' with a compass with another child and hitting another child who swung something in his face.

Met with HoY and Senco, things seemed to get a bit better, but last week has been hell on wheels. His SEN is as supported as well as possible at school, but it's a difficult environment for him. But that's life.

I took his phone off him a few weeks ago and as from today he will not be allowed near the computer unless he's doing homework with me sitting next to him.

He gets enough sleep, eats well etc. I know lock down has been hard on everyone, youngsters in particular, and I hate him not being able to do his usual out of school activities but that's how it is.

His self-esteem is very low, he tries to mask it by being what he considers cool, hence inappropriate comments on Teams chat, and I do all that I can to build it up.

School run a tight ship and have been great at letting us know what is going on. But their patience will run out soon, surely?

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what else I can do?

Sorry, so stressed that I can't even write a title with proper grammar!

What was his behaviour like at primary? How has it been managed before?

Schools are in a tough place at the moment because we can’t do normal detentions or get parents in for meetings.

Has he fallen in with a bad crowd in his class? Would a change of group and a fresh start help?

What does he think the issues are?

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Don't know what his SEN involves but is he overwhelmed with the volume of school work? At my son's school, there is the option to drop or reduce some academic subjects for kids with SEN and either do additional maths and English or spend time working in the farm/ gardens. So far we haven't taken up either of those options, but it is great to know they are there. Maybe a similar plan could take some of the pressure off?

It's a huge change from primary - it sounds like he's stressed and in a high stress environment (for him) and he's lashing out.

Where does the low self-esteem come from?

What are his long-term goals? Might sound daft but if you don't have buy in for why school is important and where it leads to - job, money, education, status, making a difference to the world, security, then he won't see the point of it.

What happens if none of this happens? His choices reduce and reduce and reduce. Delivery driver? Waiter? Low paid work that is insecure and never pays enough?

Role models - who is his role model - find someone, if he's got no one locally, then someone in the media. Marcus Rashford? Or similar?

You need to build up his confidence (get him being good at something, just one thing, that's all you need and that he signs of progress so that he can start to believe in himself). Once you master one thing, you begin to believe you can master other things.

Teach him to see his own strengths - what are they? Use them to show him how to behave. Does someone with this strength swear? Does someone with strength not focus? etc

Find some good podcasts and learn about self-esteem yourself. Sometimes low self-esteem can come from parents.

Thanks all.

I typed out a long answer, then lost it. Ahhh! To be brief,

Behaviour at primary a milder version of this. Primary weren't good at letting me know what is going on, which didn't help. Secondary have called a lot and I have access to the online behaviour system, which is helpful if anxiety-provoking and worrying.

'Bad crowd' is an issue although I think he'd gravitate to that group whatever class he was in unfortunately, in his desire to be what he perceives as cool. He had a big personality clash with someone in his primary school and I requested that he move class which happened and did help take the heat out of the situation.

His SEN (processing disorder) is some of the issue. He's been given permission not to to out to the playground at lunchtime, and has been going to the music room. There is one particular lesson that he has lots of negatives in and the small print on worksheets etc is an issue. The SENco has asked teachers to provide large print and said that ds should remind them, but I can completely understand why that's being overlooked. I can't fault the school in any way.

I've been trying to buy a laptop for him to use to enlarge print but they're all out of stock at the moment!

Low self-esteem partly from experience of being bullied and also SEN. Has been better since his SEN has been treated (a year of visual therapy) but still rocky.

We have conversations about long-term goals/behaviour/role models/his strengths all the time. He engages at the time and gets it, but can't seem to hold on to it when he's angry/anxious/agitated.

Building up his self-esteem has been my focus with him for the last three years or so. It's better no doubt, but still shaky. Impulse control still not always great, but he's 11. I can't expect him to behave like a mini-16 year old.

noblegiraffe his school are doing detentions. He has one today and tomorrow with HoY and I'm going to meet him afterwards as it will be dark and to deliver the news that Roblox is over for him until we can trust him to be online.

All the kids in school appear to be shattered at the moment which isn't helping with behaviour.

Re the large print - could some sort of magnifying glass like elderly people use to read help if they forget the big print sheet?

As well as the stick, you need a carrot. Can he be put on a daily report and at the end of the day if no negative comments (or no negative points) then he gets something he wants - maybe not time on Roblox if he plays with friends inappropriately but some other screen time. Short term rewards that are achievable are quite important (plus praise for when he meets them). Refer back to how well he was doing at the start of term and that you know he can turn things around. What you don't want is to grind down into constant nagging about poor behaviour.

Thanks noblegiraffe.

He was on a daily report after the hitting incident. His behaviour was exemplary and he got loads of positives.

Since I've had access to the online behaviour system. we've been doing 'no negatives = screen time' plus lots of praise. That didn't have the desired effect, but that doesn't mean that I can't use in the the future.

I hear you re: the constant nagging. Dh has a tendency to do this and I can see the negative effect it has on ds. I honestly do try to find positives - "it was a relief to hear that you thought that you were playing with the compasses and weren't acting out of anger" was one particular line that came out of my mouth!

I met him from school and he is truly mortified. He took the news about no Roblox for the foreseeable without any counter-argument, which is unheard of. He also spoke a bit about the subject that he gets lots of negatives in. It's maths which is the only subject that they're set for and it's a disruptive class and 'it's not me it's my brain that can't help joining in'. I think he was trying to say something about lack of impulse control. He says that he finds the work easy, which seems to be true, so it's not that he's pissing about rather than engage with something that he finds difficult.

I agree that behaviour in schools is really difficult at the moment but I can also see that the school needs to keep tight boundaries.

Thanks.

Much sympathy to you. Would you consider rewarding him for when something goes well? maybe getting the school on board to send home merit notes as well as detentions? Things get so bleak otherwise. It also sounds like maths teacher could engage him more, or even move to a more appropriate group.

Thanks.

The school behaviour system does have 'positive events' too, which he was getting a lot of at the beginning of the term. Fewer recently but we do praise him when he does get them. Also was rewarded with time on roblox but he's going cold turkey at the moment....

Yeah, the maths group is a problem. Ds described things being thrown around (he's never had a negative for this so I hope to god that he's not involved), and nearly all of his negative events are to do with chatty/disruptive behaviour in maths.

I guess the school will address the maths class when they have the head space/resources to do so?

I'm a HoY. I find the following things helpful when students display similar behaviour to your DS:

• focus on the Maths lessons by looking at the timetable and discussing how your DS can have a positive attitude toward the next lesson. Ask if the HoY is able to pop into the Maths class to see how DS is doing and give him a pep talk/encouragement if needed (I know schools are in bubble systems but the HoY should be able to go in as their year group is their key bubble). If it's possible I'd also ask the HoY to facilitate a conversation between the Maths teacher and your DS to help develop a good working relationship and goals to achieve in class (for example, if the work is easy then how the teacher can stretch your DS and how your DS can communicate it's too easy to the teacher)

• ask for the behaviour report to continue and explain to your DS that this is his opportunity to be praised in each lesson (therefore focussing on the positive and promoting behaviour for learning)

• ask the SENCO if there are other students who your DS might spend time with. My SEN students have groups they can go to to make friends and be guided into positive friendship groups

• ask the HoY if the friendships DS is making are positive. As a HoY I couldn't say 'Josh is a bad influence' but I could ask the student 'who would be the better friend to spend time with, Josh or Ben?'. Both the student and parent would know what I was suggesting without me saying anything.

• often students in year 7 want to test the boundaries as they feel older and think that their parents and teachers don't talk to each other as much. It's a different atmosphere for them when the teachers and parents don't see each other at the school gates every day. Students need reminding that communication does happen though and parents are informed about their behaviour. I always make sure my students are a part of the conversation in my parent meetings. If I want to speak privately with the parent(s) I will ask the student to wait outside of the meeting room for a few minutes but otherwise I stress that they are there to be heard and to also be a part of thinking about the solution to the issues raised. If the meetings are happening over the phone at the moment rather than in person I'd put the speaker phone on and have your son be part of the conversation that way.

• ask if the school have a time out card system (ours use it for five minutes to calm down outside the classroom door if they need a break) as it can prevent poor behaviour choices

• ask if the school have a mentoring scheme or a social skills group that your DS can access

• ask if it's the same member of staff that oversees the isolation room. If it is can they mentor your DS and be a source of support for him?

I would also reassure you that this is a fairly common issue with year 7 students as they try to make their own mark in the year group. It sounds like the school have a positive approach to helping.

Also, if a number of the students are misbehaving in the Maths lesson the HoY should be going in to monitor the general class behaviour.

Thanks liquoricecravings.

I move between thinking that this is a young-for-year boy with SEN in the time of covid trying to cope with the transition to secondary and worrying that he's going to end up a delinquent!

Some of those things ie mentoring, my ds asking for help/asking for large print/letting the teacher know the work is easy were mentioned by the SENco when we met before half term (with ds). He's on the referral list for mentoring but there are other children with higher needs (fair enough).

The HoY is very experienced and runs a tight ship. He doesn't give ds an inch but in a supportive way which I think is good for ds. The school have been miles better at communicating with me than his primary. I can see how a 'time out' card could work, the problem with ds is that, at the moment, he doesn't have sufficient insight or impulse control to be able to recognise when he would benefit from it.

Having access to the online behaviour system is helpful - it's really obvious that the maths class is pretty difficult.

He has said to me twice after recent incidents, spontaneously, that he wishes he could turn back time and not have sworn/hit someone. This is a shift from his usual defensive stance, so I hope progress? I was saying to him this morning that we need to work at him being able to see things like that at the time ie will I regret having done this tomorrow?

Tough times for schools. The maths class needs addressing and I'll ask the HoY what the plan is when we speak next.

Thanks again.