DD with self esteem issues in the wrong crowd.

[CurlyHazel]

DD (12) has struggled with confidence and is a lovely caring shy type. Her best friend is a confident very forward type (just 13), from a broken family where she witnessed her father abusing her mother and lives with her hard working mum and an older sibling that has massive issues, drink, drugs, boys, shoplifting. Over the years I have restricted my DD spending any time at their house, but I cannot stop them from seeing each other at school or socially. The friend provides a very much needed crutch and social safety net to my DD. This past weekend I found out that the friend got the older sibling to buy edible weed and they went to the park and took it. I have found there are plans to repeat it again this weekend when the girls BF is going to visit. There will be no more trips to the park with this girl!! I am totally devastated. DD's innocence has been taken by this girl. I cannot entirely blame the other girl as DD knows the dangers of drugs, but DD has confessed she would look stupid if she didn't go along with it. DH is champing at the bit to dob in the older sibling (who is 18) to the police for supplying minors. This would be a total catastrophe for DD as then she would lose her best friend, the entire school would find out, another friend would also get in trouble and her world would completely implode. I know this will effect her greatly. I have found out she has used a pencil sharpener blade to put scratches on her arm recently. When Ive asked her about it, apparently it's called 'chop chop' and her friends do it too, like its some sort of trend. I feel like the only thing I can do is send her to another school, where I know there would be no chance that this girl would follow. But I also worry changing to another school would just bring up the same problem, as in DD would not be able to choose her friends, but would end up being chosen, possibly by the wrong crowd. Does anyone have a similar situation? Advice?

I certainly wouldn't let your dd go out with her bf in your position, moving to a different school might be a bit excessive, you could ask to move her to a different form maybe?

It sounds like your daughter may have mental health issues if her self esteem is so low she relies on just one friend and has to participate in self harm or take drugs for fear of “looking stupid”.

Where does it end? Friend says, “Let’s take some ecstasy my sibling got us.” Would your daughter go along with that? Acid? Cocaine? Ketamine? Let’s be honest. Any parent who thinks their child won’t try weed at least once in their life is very blinkered. Just not when they are 12. Or under duress.

How did you find out about the weed? If she told you then she might be trying to ask you for help out of a situation she knows is wrong.

I honestly would speak to school about your daughter’s reliance on this girl, and in particular the self harm “game”. They can refer her to CAHMS if they felt it appropriate.

Also, you can report the supply of drugs issue anonymously through Crimestoppers. Remember that you daughter is not just a victim here, so is her friend. Regardless of her leading her on, her older sibling is supplying her with drugs.

I think @Zodlebud speaks a lot of sense. Crimestoppers and NSPCC is a very good shout. The friend is also a victim here.

Another thing that comes across in your post is how passive you consider your daughter. How can others stop doing this to your daughter? Will she be chosen by a bad crowd in the next school? I would turn that around - how can you arm your daughter with the skills to say no and to choose an appropriate group of friends? How can she be equiped to make better choices?

I know you said that you can't stop her socialising with this girl but I disagree. I have teens so I know this is hard but I wouldn't let her hang out in the park while all this is going on. She's twelve - this is not really the age when she should be free range anyhow. They still need tight supervision in years 7/8.

You sound like a great mum and you must have a good relationship for your daughter to trust you. Does your daughter have any outside interests? Drama? Sport? Can she find some? If there's a wide mix of social groups, it's easier to stand out from the crowd.

I'd be wary of limiting time together or moving schools, it can just intensify feelings and set up an us vs you thing. Can you get this girl round to yours more? Help her see a different type of family life. It might also help to be on home turf for your girl to assert her boundaries. I'd be really wary of letting all the energy go on to this other girl, your daughter will need to learn she is responsible for her own actions (and is doing a good job by bringing you in to help her) and that she has a choice whether she casts herself as a victim/rescuer or as someone who puts herself first.

My perspective is, I was an outspoken teenage girl from a dodgy home who was disliked by some of my peer's parents. And I did have an overwhelming personality and shyer types were drawn to me (and me to them). Yet, I was often the one stopping those with really strict parents from getting absolutely smashed or being borderline sexually assaulted. I'm not saying your daughter is in the latter group but I am saying it's possible this girl has qualities which compliment your daughters and that it's not helpful to scapegoat one person as a troublemaker.

It's great your daughter is talking to you and telling you where she feels out her depth. These are good instincts and they'll keep her safe. I'd try to find some regular time (car journeys are good) to keep talking and find out strategies around saying no (I'll pick you up anytime no questions asked etc) and also finding new friends. Maybe speak to school about avenues for new friends, in certain classes etc if they are streamed. I'm a bit torn about mental health/cutting diagnosis as the world is so cruel to teenage girls, often they turn it all in on themselves. Maybe get her someone to speak to professionally but balance it with some exercise like rock climbing, weights or martial art. I know my mental health vastly improved when I started feeding it exercise which stretched my mind a few times a week. (I honestly think constant dieting and cardio made me hate myself and made me feel helpless and weak as a person). I don't think we give enough perspective to teaching kids to say no or to walk away - it's powerful l!

Fuck me spam had got weird.

I was the child from the broken home who parents didn’t trust. I grew up quickly and tried things young, very influenced by the mega rich set at my boarding school. And when my friends from more sheltered homes were having their own tough time at Uni, I was through all of that and working incredibly hard for my degree and supporting them. Some of them didn’t finish uni as they were so shocked by their new independence and got in all sorts of issues. It must be tough to see your daughter going through this, but I think most people are influencable at some stage of their adolescence (doesn’t stop until age 24) Keep repeating the messages of what alcohol and drugs can do to your child, lead by example by not drinking heavily yourself and then to some degree you have to trust them.

I think there is a world of difference between not being liked by friends' parents and maybe getting into a few scrapes aged 15, and eating cannabis in the park aged 12 supplied by an older brother. What next - cocaine? I would be horrified and furious about the brother for being so stupid. There's no way I'd allow this to continue (yes I do have teens so I know it's hard).
I would talk to your daughter as it sounds she is crying out for help. It sounds like she feels out of control here and wants an adult to step in and take charge. Please don't leave her to make all the decisions. If she moved school, it sounds like she'd still be able to meet this old friend so will it make a difference?
Hands down I'd move my child's school and if necessary, our home. This sounds like a very slippery slope at 12.

How much of the friendship is based on pressure from the front-runner friend who wants to be 21 today?

If that sort of pressure persists and the friendship is based on trying 'new stuff' and being 'bad/naughty' I'd question if it's the right place for my DD.

You can't ask her to say no when it's impossible not to affect the friendship? Already you're having to keep schtum because the friend set up your rules too now. How far does her influence reach?

That said I wouldn't tell the school either.

Can she branch out and meet new people ,new friends, new hobbies? I'd be looking to try and lessen her reliance on this friend and also teach her about what friendship really is.

yes it's about trying new thing together - but not weed at 12. That's a too young. And for some they'd say it's never the right age.

Remember that weed affects the teenage brain and can bring on all sorts of anxiety disorders.

The self-harming is also a worry. She's a follower not a leader. She'll follow the pack, she's easily influenced by the sound of things and wants to belong in a group. Perhaps you have to start to wise her up to the fact that in life there are choices, good choices and bad choices and people will push you one way or the toher but in the end, you have to decide for yourself what is right or wrong. You may not be liked for that decision - but is being liked more important than your health? Your safety? the law?

Does she want to be a follower, or a leader?

No good shouting at her or threatening her. Educate her. Properly. Show her some documentatries on the usage of cannabis. Find some medical studies about the increase in pscyhotic episodes. Don't freak her out completely but show her the truth.

maybe show her county lines, how it quickly turns into something sour and grim.

For me personally I'd be looking at changing the school and to a much better setting.

If you do change schools, which I think is a good idea, it's going to be hard to do without your daughter feeling it is a punishment or that you're trying to alienate her friendship, which may backfire on you and push her away. My parents moved house to move schools for my brother when we were younger to get him stay from a bad crowd, and I have to say it worked because he had no idea the goal was to put him in a better place. You need to think about the long game when making decisions now, but also you need to put more onus on yourself and your child for what she is doing. Her friend and her friend's family (and broken home? Why do you think that matters to the story? Are they somehow less than because of this?) aren't to blame for your daughter's actions, as much as they are a factor to them

I have a children in similar ages to your DD.

I would second trying to get your DD into any extracurricular activity that she would end up loving. It doesn’t really matter what. We are into all sorts of team sports in our family (think multiple sports per child in and outside school) and our children tend to hang out with the sporty crowd which tends to worry about keeping fit (otherwise an important player plays less well in next fixture) and also seems to give a certain status in school.

If that isn’t possible, martial arts or climbing could be fun but for martial arts, I would recommend something like Krav Maga or kickboxing which has some self defence skills as well.

I was quite nerdy as a child and horse riding saved me. Several of DDs friends have gotten into riding recently and if you can afford it, it can be quite amazing for a young girl.

I would also book some things for the two of you to do together when everything opens up (riding, cinema with pizza, theatre) anything to just provide a calm presence and allow your daughter to talk to you about things that bothers her if she wants but no pressure.

Finally I would ban screens. I would worry about TikTok films or social media posts about cutting, eating disorders or anything similar. She will be very upset initially but it should pass.

ZOMBIE thread from Nov 2020 just brought back to life by whatever spam was deleted.

But I do wonder what happened in the end. @CurlyHazel how did everything turn out in the end?