How to raise this with the school?

[ConcernedParentAgain]

DS has been pulled up and punished a few times for a couple of comments made to another DC. He is not the only one of his friends to be pulled up about similar things. The thing is, the school are not aware that what the DC are doing is reacting to this other boys behaviour. So, this is how it usually goes:

Boy does something to another one (pushes, kicks, corners, calls names, goads or irritates) the other boys mostly ignore him but on occasion do react with a comment. They have never physically reacted. The boy then goes home tells his parents that my son or one of the other DC (the girls say things too and get into trouble) has told him to "go away" or "shut up" a number of times and that they are bullies. His parents kick up an almighty fuss.

My DS has been told off and punished a couple of times and now I am sick of it. He has never been in trouble before and he gets along with everyone else. He thinks it is really unfair.

I have known the boy who is apparently being bullied for a good while now and have witnessed his behaviour myself many times. He is totally lacking in discipline and boundaries.

I'm upset with the school for just taking at face value what the parents say without digging a bit deeper and my son is now getting down for being pulled up he thinks it is unfair.

What would you do and/or say about this? To me it looks like I would be doing tit for tat.

Secondary?

maybe write to form tutor?

DS tells me he has been in trouble a few times for comments made to Alex. Could you please have a chat to him about why he makes these comments? Although I agree they are unacceptable, according to DS he and a number of other pupils have been at the receiving end of various behaviour from Alex including kicks, pushes, name calling etc. DS does his best to ignore it but sometimes it gets a bit much. I would really appreciate it if you could chat with DS to understand his viewpoint, and also to give him strategies to avoid getting into further trouble.
Regards

Yes, secondary.

I like that, thanks.

I'm surprised the school are taking what the other parents say at face value tbh. IME schools are usually very keen to hear all sides of the argument. Are you sure that you DS is speaking up for himself? If he's not, you need to tell him that he should do.

Yes they are taking it at face value. I'm quite annoyed actually about that and am thinking of saying something.

teenplustwenty has exactly the right sort of tone. Definitely say something though as 1) school do need to be aware (if they aren’t already), 2) your DS & others need strategies to avoid getting into bother but also halt the undesirable behaviour of the boy. 3) with a bit of luck school will speak to boy about how he can amend his behaviour.
Whatever you do, do not approach the boy’s parents. They will not see your point of view. It’s a school issue.

I think it's worth saying something as teenplustwenties suggests.

I had a kid in my tutor group like this once. He had SEN and wasn't good socially, and was exactly the sort of kid you might think susceptible to bullying. However I soon learned that when he came to me complaining someone else had done/said something to him, the best response was "and what did you do to them to make them do that?" Usually he would readily admit to whatever he'd done to provoke them, I would point out that it was a silly thing to do, and that was the end of that! I guess I was lucky that he came to me rather than going to his mum, because I was going to be able to get the other side of the story more quickly.

This child does not have SEN to my knowledge. He's been in our class a long time and I've come to know his parents over the years. I would actually say that it is a parenting issue and his behaviour is the knock on effect of that. That's why this is hard to deal with.

Exactly what Teen says.

The behaviour of the other child needs pointing out. Schools do sometimes pander to the parent that shouts the loudest.

Is it possible your son isn't good at communicating what happened? Or are they only listening to the parent?

Contact the school but also get your Ds to document every incident from now on that way you have a record of what happened and when.

My DS is great at communicating however there is a code of conduct apparently about being a dobber.

By that do you mean that your son won't tell the teacher why he made the comment he's being punished for? In that sense, he is shooting himself in the foot a bit.

I think it's fine to contact the form tutor, or whoever, and explain what your son has said to you. They can then investigate further.

How do you know the school is taking everything at face value? Your son wouldn't necessarily know if the other child has been sanctioned as well?

Our boys have also been told not to "grass" (dob/snitch) and I agree with them for some things. They do need to learn to turn the other cheek for minor issues.

However, I've told them there is a line. Sometimes you have to tell a teacher, if it's a serious issue or if someone is unfairly being punished. This is definitely a time for your DS to speak up.

So how does the conversation go?

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