13yo daughter being groomed on instagram

[MarmiteChocolate]

DD is 13, some mild learning needs but just about managing in mainstream school although very socially isolated. She has never fitted in with the popular crew all the way thru school and lockdown has just made her even more socially anxious.

I allowed her to get insta a few months ago so she could follow celebrities and youtubers she likes - lots of talks about keeping safe and her account has fake name and she doesn't post any pictures. I checked her direct messages yesterday and she was basically falling hook line and sinker for the classic grooming - a "lad" who was apparabtly 15, telling her she was special and he really liked her and wanting photos of her body and to talk about wanking. I could see she was trying to resist but she was totally falling for him and did send a face photo. She was horrified that I read the thread and claims vehemently that he was "only joking" about the sex talk and that they were "proper friends".

Some searching has led me to find his facebook profile and it seems he is more like 18-20. I also have found his parents profiles.

I have blocked him from her insta and been clear that anymore stuff like this and insta will go all together. I am so deeply scared for her and this whole incident just highlights how vulnerable she is - so lonely it breaks my heart.

Just reaching out for some hand holding and words of encouragement really!

How awful for you and for her so sending you both a huge amount of sympathy. It’s also reminded me that I need to check my daughters accounts as she has both Instagram and TikTok. It’s something I think we all need to do and it’s so easy to let go by the sidelines. On the positive side, it sounds like you have caught this before it went any further and she hasn’t compromised herself at this point. Have you spoken to the police yet as I would definetely suggest you need too and have copies of all messages. I would also personally get DD some counselling to help her deal with this, having an external and sympathetic adult to talk too would be a good thing.

I’m not sure I’d discuss this with either adult friends or encourage DD to talk about it with her friends as there have been instances of victims of this kind of thing getting bullied for it and Chinese Whispers spread quickly.

My eldest DD at 16 after she came out was having inappropriate conversations with an older woman which I came across and shut down immediately. I do wish I’d done something further about it but as DD was 16 it was harder. Your daughter is 13, this is very clear cut.

You mention DD is lonely, is it worth speaking to her school about this and seeing if they can do anything to help? Are there any groups or activities locally she could get involved with as well?

I think I would message his parents. To be honest, I'd also inform the police.

Taking his claim to be 15 as genuine, then it's right his parents should know. He could get a record for 'encouraging someone to make images of child sexual abuse' etc. It's not just awful for you and your daughter, it's also seriously criminal.

I'm not expressing myself well. I'm really glad you managed the situation with your daughter, well done.

I empathise. DD1 (almost 15) has SEN and goes to special school. She also had a situation with Instagram. Fortunately, she's very 'readable' and I instantly knew there was something wrong. I agree that the vulnerability is the worrying thing.

The vulnerability is worrying. Are there any clubs / groups she could join to make friends and feel less isolated. In my area there is a club called sparkle for asd young people and families. Well done on checking the insta and blocking.

Sorry to hear this, its a tricky world out there in social media land.

Next, you MUST report this to the police. Please do it today.

Just a quick warning - for contact through Instagram, you don't need someone's number. Just their 'handle' name. The boy DD1 was in contact with didn't have any of her details (they are at the same school), it was just her handle and profile photo.

It's really difficult to decide what to do about social media. If you do decide to continue allowing her Instagram (we've deleted DD1's), there are a couple of things you can do:

~Fake name/name that doesn't use real identifiers (eg. Purplepoo).
~Lock the account to private so it isn't searchable.
~Profile picture that doesn't use her face.
~Don't 'follow' people.

It's such a tricky area. DD1 will be an adult in 3 years. It makes me very anxious, tbh.

If he is 20 and she is 13 then he was asking for child pornography, that is a legal and police matter. Please report him to the police.

For online grooming it’s CEOP you need to be contacting

www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/

@MarmiteChocolate

DD is 13, some mild learning needs but just about managing in mainstream school although very socially isolated. She has never fitted in with the popular crew all the way thru school and lockdown has just made her even more socially anxious.

I allowed her to get insta a few months ago so she could follow celebrities and youtubers she likes - lots of talks about keeping safe and her account has fake name and she doesn't post any pictures. I checked her direct messages yesterday and she was basically falling hook line and sinker for the classic grooming - a "lad" who was apparabtly 15, telling her she was special and he really liked her and wanting photos of her body and to talk about wanking. I could see she was trying to resist but she was totally falling for him and did send a face photo. She was horrified that I read the thread and claims vehemently that he was "only joking" about the sex talk and that they were "proper friends".

Some searching has led me to find his facebook profile and it seems he is more like 18-20. I also have found his parents profiles.

I have blocked him from her insta and been clear that anymore stuff like this and insta will go all together. I am so deeply scared for her and this whole incident just highlights how vulnerable she is - so lonely it breaks my heart.

Just reaching out for some hand holding and words of encouragement really!

I think this would be of interest to the police.

Thanks ladies for the hand holding!
I deleted the whole message thread from her instagram after I had read it, so have no "proof" anymore - silly in hindsight but it was making me feel sick to my stomach and I also don't want her rereading back over it when I allow her phone back. I can't put her thru making a statement to the police, ontop of everything else she is dealing with, and mercifully nothing explicit was shared by her.
If he attempts to contact her again I will go straight to his parents and the police tho.
I'm thinking instagram use will be limited to 30 mins a day so she can check her celebrities, but no messaging allowed from now on.....
This is SUCH a minefield!

There are some good grooming videos online - have a look on YouTube.

Really recommend some videos sooner rather than later so she gets the full picture. If she doesn't fully understand there may be a risk it might happen again? It sounds like she doesn't fully understand?

you can report to CEOP www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/

This happened to my 13 y-o but she got dick pics sent! Revolting and invasive stuff. Hope you and your DD are OK.

The police tend to go to the local safeguarding officer for guidance. You could also go to them., google child safeguarding officer + your borough name for their details. They can advise on the way forward and whether charges should be pressed.

Excellent teenage friendly videos on

www.webwise.ie

Look at them with her.

It's not a question of ifs and buts; it's imperative that you report to the police straight away. Never mind if you've deleted the messages or not - the authorities may have a way to recover them - if your DD is lucky because you found out early, think of other potential victims who may not be so lucky.

Fifteen or twenty years old, what does it matter? At whatever age group, "wanting photos of her body and to talk about wanking" is even to those with half a brain, a big clear sign what this is leading to. . . wtf!!!