DD 14 avoiding school

[upnorth86]

I am not entirely sure what type of advice I am after, maybe putting it all out on here someone may offer some advice as I am currently mentally exhausted and confused about what i need to do, so here goes......

my DD in year 10 for the past few terms has progressively attended school less and less each week (year 9 attendance was 80%) she simply goes blank and refuses to acknowledge my attempt to wake her up, or we have the other end of the scale where she blows up and starts causing damage around the house and becomes violent when challenged (the latter is usually when i loose my shit because i'm so frustrated by her silences)
so this year her attendance is currently at 40% so far for this year.

she has always been a quiet child and has always avoided attending social gattherings with us. she used to hate childrens parties and would take an hour of coaxing to join in with her friends. Every school report has commented that she needs to 'speak up more' or that she is 'very quiet' in class. i have always brushed it off thinking she would outgrow these behaviours. but tbh they have just become worse!

so obviously school are now involved because of her attendance and we have exchanged various phonecall and emails. I have explained to them about her behaviour at home, and i on several occasions have stated that i thought it was because she was being defiant, but now im not so sure.

i never thought that her behaviours could be because she genuinely struggles (she is very bright but struggles socially), looking at the bigger picture over the years she has always been an anxious little soul

i have emailed the school explaining my new thoughts on the situation and that maybe she has SEN, but they have basically brushed it off. I have a GP appointment end of this week to discuss my thoughts.

any suggestions?
thanks for sticking with my ramblings till the end :)

It sounds like there is a mental health issue of some sort, and you could do with a referral. Hopefully the GP will be able to help with that, and also push with the school to speak to the SENCO.

In the meantime, do you drive? I ask because it's often easier to get teens talking in the car. Failing that - on a walk, but of course the weather isn't so good for persuading them out of the house at this time of year. I heard something about the lack of eye contact making it easier to talk, and there's also the advantage of being away from any other distraction.

It maybe worth getting an autism assessment - trouble is in our area that's about a 2 year wait on nhs so won't bring the immediate help you need. You can pay for a private one but its pricey and schools / LAs don't always accept them.

I've found the local authority can be helpful - the SN team and the Inclusions Officer (who tries to keep kids in school). You could also ask school for an Educational Pychologist assessment. Worth trying GP, ours was useless but some are good.

Other option I guess would be home education if that's a viable option though then support goes so think very carefully before deregistering. Or have you discussed changing schools with her - not ideal timing but this school clearly isn't working.

If you go on the SN chat board there's a few Mums in the same boat with girls a similar age - there's a Goose and Carrot thread you are welcome to join which is a support thread. Can't always offer solutions but its a safe place to moan and get sympathy and advice.

What does she say about school? Does she have any friends, does she find the work boring, how did she manage in lockdown, would homeschooling be a disaster? I think sometimes local authorities can offer help for school refusers to learn online.

Poor her and poor you, no wonder you are exhausted, it sounds very worrying and certainly could be something else going on with her, but school is a very full-on environment, I don’t think it means that she can’t go on and be successful and find her niche especially as she is very bright. School just doesn’t suit everyone.

I agree with the previous posters (and with you actually) - there will be something bigger going on. Finding out what it is needs to be a priority . It may be treatable or it may not, but once you understand what it is you'll have a better idea of how to accommodate it and you can start using the phrase "reasonable adjustment " with the school.

In the meantime, try not to worry about the academics. If your dd cant cope with being in school right now then she cant and exams can be retaken or taken later without derailing the course of her life unduly. How w she in lockdown- would she work fairly independently at home?

There are charities that offer support and advice for children who are not in school for one reason or another. They may be useful in helping what to do next.

in helping you decide what to do next