Moving secondary schools - year 8

[LadyQuellyn]

Our Dd is in year 8 and has never really settled in her current secondary school.
Academically she is doing well and she works hard but every day last year she came home saying she had had a bad day and was always so down on everything.
During lockdown she was much much happier and almost back to her old pre-secondary school self.
We were hopeful that things would improve this year but for the last 4 weeks it has been the same. Every day was a bad day.
A couple of weeks ago my DH and I decided she needed to move to a different school and sent in an application to the bigger, more successful secondary in the next town. They do have space for her and this week we met the head and had a tour of the school. We were really impressed and she has a couple of friends there so we thought that would help with settling in.
Today though she completely lost it and had a major meltdown. She said her current school was actually fine, she likes the teachers and is making more friends - this is news to us as even at the beginning of the week she was complaining about all the usual things.
Now I am doubting whether we are doing the right thing moving her. I know nerves will play a huge part in her meltdown but essentially I would love to hear your stories good and bad about moving secondary schools and whether it worked out or not?

It's not clear if she was being a stereotypical pessimistic teen or whether she's scared of change and it's a case of better the devil you know.

If she's like my teen she needs a day or two for the possibility of moving to sink in before she can articulate whether or not the move is needed.

FWIW my teens are happy at school but also think it's shit.

My DD is the same age and your first paragraph describes her experience of Year 7 and lockdown exactly.

We were forced to move her over the summer due to a house move. We were hopeful the new school would be a better fit, though she wouldn't have wanted to move schools if we'd been staying in the same town.

She's transformed at the new school: she made friends straight away and is much more enthusiastic about the lessons.

So there's no guarantee it will be better but our experience is really positive.

Tricky one
I don’t think I would consider a move unless things were really bad with friendships etc
My year 8 is the same and would love there to be another lock down. She also says she hates school. But when we’ve chatted about it, I think the things she dislikes and the pressure etc would be the same at another school so I think year 8 can just be tricky, especially as they missed half of year 7 and had barely settled in last year when lockdown started

Wait, so you and DH decided she needed to move school, applied to another one, looked round it and met the head - but didn't tell your 12/13 year old DD you were doing this? It was all a surprise to her?

I think things are really tough for this Y8 (as for so many other years of course!).

Like yours, my DD didn't settle well in Y7 and struggled to find her friendship group. Lockdown was difficult, she didn't connect with anyone at her new school and felt uncomfortable contacting most of her old primary friends (all at other secondaries). I was really worried at her not settling. Anecdotally several of my friends with kids of that age said they were having the same experience (different schools, different parts of the country in some cases).

Within a couple of weeks of starting Y8 she had found her "gang" and is like a different child. Obviously this hasn't happened in the same way for your DD but as @TicTacTwo says, you might need to give it a couple of days for her to get her head around the idea of moving, and maybe take her to see the other school?

On the other hand things can change very quickly for kids at this age so it could be she really is settling in at her current school. It sounds like she needs to calm down and you all need to talk about the pros and cons of each option.

I really feel for these kids, having half of Y7 pulled out from under their feet was incredibly unsettling, I think a lot of them hadn't yet found their groove.

We didn’t feel our daughter was thriving in year 7 although it was also a grammar school. We found a private school but had to convince her to move - a trial day helped. Can you ask new school for a trial day?
We moved her because we didn’t like the ethos of the grammar and she was very unhappy mostly due to pressure / homework levels / teachers not being nice. She has started to make friends though so for her the decision to move was hard. I really think you need to establish why your daughter is not happy. It’s likely she is feeling stressed and going through puberty. This won’t change at new school.

My DS had his eyes set on our closest secondary school which we didn't get into, just literally a few meters out of catchment. I don't think he actually believes that he didn't get in, he thinks we put the school he is in first but anyhow, so the school he was in was in his eyes not quite right and in his head everything would have been so much better at the other school (I really don't think so as they are actually quite similar in strictness, achievements etc) So year 7 was difficult, he got in with 'cool' friends that really didn't suit him, not very nice and all about being cool and hard etc! he didn't find his real crowd until y8 just when lock down happened but it made such a difference and now in y9 he is really happy, obviously school is still shit but he just seems so much more himself. For him I think it was a confidence thing, he didn't have the confidence to be himself and almost created a persona. Let her have a think about it and also try and get to the core of the problem. Good luck

Op I'm feeling the same about my dd.
I'm feel really sorry for my dd and she doesn't seem to to be making friends at school. I would really like to try and get her into a different school that's nicer all round.
In a beautiful town, she would have a wondeful place to meets friend etc. But if don't think she would accept the move well. I can see she's struggling to gel and where we live is strangely parochial as it's not far from London. Good luck op. Fwiw my dm moved me age 9 from primary to secondary. I cried, got depressed, didn't want to go.
Within 1 week I found friends I made for life. I didn't even have any proper friends at my 1st school!
It was definitely the right school for me.

I am glad I found this thread as we are having the same problem.
My DD likes a bit of fun like most teens but is fed up with the class rowdiness and constant competition to be top dog.
She seems to have friends and isn't alone but it doesn't seem to fit her. She is outgoing and sporty but there are no sports at present and she is hanging out with more studious girls than she would normally.
It's hard to know what doesn't work exactly. We can hardly change schools just because she doesn't like the class "vibe".

Dd had a horrendous year 7. Lockdown want great but at least it took some peer pressure off. She is now really enjoying y8 and made some friends. I have no idea what clicked.

So glad I found this thread. Exactly same position. DD (yr 8) went to a large secondary school which wasn't our catchment but offered all the bells and whistles.

It is quite a drive each way and many of her friends live some distance, but she seemed to settle well in year 7 and enjoyed school life on the whole.

Lockdown was hard for her (she is outwardly very confident but anxious underneath) and I was very disappointed in the school. Next to no work set, even less marked and I literally had one phonecall to see how things were going. Was told all focus was on year 11 and 13.
This in addition to not being able to physically see any friends (distance and shielding were problems) I see now really affected her MH.

Since going back things have definitely gone downhill, says she hates school, old friendship groups have fractured and now only has a couple of friends. She Has been seeing a school counsellor for anxiety.

So,she has lots of friends who attend our catchment school and live much closer. She would also be entitled to school transport (saving me 2 hours a day!) and I know for a fact their lockdown provision was excellent. DD has been pleading with me to move her and on the face of it seems a good idea but I really worry that it could potentially cause more problems than it solved once the 'honeymoon period' is over

Feel if we're going to do it, it should be now rather than leaving it (especially as another lockdown seems likely) but don't know what to do for the best.

@LadyQuellyn

Our Dd is in year 8 and has never really settled in her current secondary school. Academically she is doing well and she works hard but every day last year she came home saying she had had a bad day and was always so down on everything. During lockdown she was much much happier and almost back to her old pre-secondary school self. We were hopeful that things would improve this year but for the last 4 weeks it has been the same. Every day was a bad day. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I decided she needed to move to a different school and sent in an application to the bigger, more successful secondary in the next town. They do have space for her and this week we met the head and had a tour of the school. We were really impressed and she has a couple of friends there so we thought that would help with settling in. Today though she completely lost it and had a major meltdown. She said her current school was actually fine, she likes the teachers and is making more friends - this is news to us as even at the beginning of the week she was complaining about all the usual things. Now I am doubting whether we are doing the right thing moving her. I know nerves will play a huge part in her meltdown but essentially I would love to hear your stories good and bad about moving secondary schools and whether it worked out or not?

Did you decide to move your DD in the end? If yes, how is she settling in?

Hi, just checking in to see if our year 8s have settled any more? Mine hasn't. If anything, half-term means it's even worse.

@LadyQuellyn did your DD move in the end? How is it going?