I think DDs Tutor is bullying her

[LadyofTheManners]

Due to her sexuality

She is in 3rd year of a mixed secondary school.
School promotes itself as inclusive with zero tolerance of bullying, racism, sexism or homophobia.
She joined his form in 2nd year, due to bullying from a group in her 1st year form.
When she first joined, tutor sent an email to me saying he looked forward to her joining his form. Was really impressed as previous tutor was moronic and did naff all about the bullying.

DD came out in late October. We had thought it was possible but waited for her to feel comfortable with her own sexuality.
She also straight away had a girlfriend.

She has never hidden it since, she wears a pride flag pin badge on her blazer. There is an active LGBTQ club at school.

His whole attitude towards her changed.
DD started to have a couple of popular girls in the form be homophobic. DD reported to form tutor who took no action. She didn't tell us though.
By December, the ringleader told her, in earshot of the tutor, to kill herself. DD had had enough so told her to fuck off.
I'm not happy she swore but she had apparently had months of this which he ignored.
He immediately threw her out the class, called the "on call" team to deal with her and gave her 10 demerits. He didn't tell the on call staff member what had made her say it.
She lost her lunchtime over it.
She came home to us and didn't say about the kill yourself comment. I did query with him but got no response.
I have only found out this week that the girl told her to kill herself from her friends mum who actually went in and spoke to the head about the comments made at the time it happened and said she was disgusted at why the tutor had allowed it yet got my DD in trouble.
He then our her name on the "wall of shame" for those who had demerits and said she needed to do better as she was letting the form down. The only demerits she had were the 10 he gave her. She said he really enjoyed telling her off.

Same tutor was DS' maths teacher at the same time. DS told him a boy in the class was homophobic about DD saying we should throw her from the building as she is disgusting. Same boy told DS he should've been killed at birth due to his disability, and called him a spastic repeatedly. All heard by Tutor who again did nothing. I reported this to the head who took action against the boy.

Then lockdown happened. All pupils were meant to be added to form group Google classroom. Ds was for his. DD wasn't for hers. DS tutor phoned twice a month and was available to the form online if they needed a chat. DD was never contacted.
At one point, her tutor emailed all the parents and asked if we had concerns and he would respond. I messaged and said I was worried about her mental health. I said could he add her to the Google page. He never replied yet I know he spoke to others as I asked on our parent page.
Since she has gone back, he has made her sit on her own in the new layout, she is the only one on a desk on her own in form class, everyone else is sitting with mates. He shouted at her on the first morning back for talking, she had no one to talk to. He threw her out again yesterday for bumping a door into a desk, but she said the layout to be covid secure means the door always knocks the desk and everyone does it or you cant get in or out the class.
He's a homophobic prick isnt he? I can't see any other reason why his attitude changed so much and the whole ignoring homophobic bullying.
What can I do? It's really difficult to prove isn't it as clearly he is going to deny it.
I don't want to remove her from school as she is doing well and she won't move form due to having 4 friends in there.
Any advice?

Jesus. Remove. What an absolute prick. Report to Board of Management/governors. Don’t expect anything to come of it. Cultures thrive where attitudes like that are tolerated from the top down. I’m so sorry your DD was exposed to that

@Boscoismyspiritanimal

Jesus. Remove. What an absolute prick. Report to Board of Management/governors. Don’t expect anything to come of it. Cultures thrive where attitudes like that are tolerated from the top down. I’m so sorry your DD was exposed to that

It's just so disappointing, because on the whole the school is excellent, it's this one male teacher who inevitably she sees every day. She was asked if she wanted to change forms but she didn't want to leave her 3 mates behind, one is unfortunately picked on by the same little cow who told dd to kill herself and she worries what will happen if she's not there to back her up. We obviously warned DD that not everyone is accepting of the LGBTQ community, and you kind of know that kids will often use any excuse to be arseholes. But that's where a teacher comes in. I did think of going to the governers but I'm aware I have no solid proof, he could easily say he never got my email or he forgot to add her to the Google page as it was a new thing. He is pretty snide and denied DS had reported the stuff the boy told him in class so I think he would get away with it pretty easily.

Write down the list of issues e.g. minimanners wasn’t added to x group on x date, I emailed on y date and no response. Then phone and ask the head of year or head of house to phone you back (depends on how it works at your school) explain how your DD feels and go through the evidence - make it factual and what do you want out of the outcome - do you want a mediated meeting with the tutor and head of year/house there to discuss the issues and work a way of forward. Create email chains so if the HoY phones you and agrees X, then you email back and go just to confirm that I spoke to you on this date and you agreed to do x, y and Z, I agreed to and Minimanners agreed to.

Get your DD to create a log of instances e.g. this happened on X date, Y time and was witnessed by A, B and C and report back to the head of year/house. If things don’t improve then I would go SLT in charge of pastoral, head and then governors or what ever the complaints policy says. Find the bullying policy and highlight where it is not being applied to your DD. And if it does go up the chain, then you’ve got evidence you tried to resolve it. If you go straight to the governors, unfortunately they will send you to the complaints policy and not take any notice. To be taken seriously you need to be a persistent polite pain generally.

Jesus OP this is horrendous! Have you put it in an email so there's a paper trail?

How awful.

Definitely complain to whoever is senior leader for pastoral issues. They have different titles in each school. Normally, I'd say tutor issues go to Head of Year first, but the list of issues is so big I'd be inclined to say there's a safeguarding concern for your daughter's wellbeing.

Make a list of everything and contact them.

He doesn't sound fit to be a teacher.

Your poor daughter.

I completely agree with Ionacat You need a paper trail, emails are the best way, even after a phone call send an email to say just to recap what was said/agreed in the phone call.

I actually had an app on my phone that automatically recorded calls without me having to activate it. They were only for my own benefit should the need ever arise, means the "recap" of a phone conversation is very accurate. It is not illegal to record someone but it is illegal to share it without their consent. So if it ever came down to a I said/they said if they refused to have it played out for say someone from the board of governors then it puts them in the weaker position and being questioned as to why they wouldn't want that.

My sister is gay and has a wife. My SIL recently sued her company due to discrimination as after working there for a long time a man finally realised that when my SIL said my sister's name, she didn't mean her daughter, he had just assumed. His whole attitude toward her changed, he was snide and contemptuous and it was noticed and reported to managers by her and other staff members. By the way, she won because like the awesome person she is she documented everything he did and said. She is now buying a new kitchen with the settlement!

Sorry all, migraine left me in bed yesterday!
Thank you so much for all the advice
I've spoken to the inclusion manager and deputy head about it, the deputy head once again asked her did she want to move form and she said as much as she hates him she has 4 of her 5 friends in the form and she doesn't see why his attitude means she should move.
Inclusion manager is going to speak to him, she said she hasn't had complaints previously but then there hasn't been a situation where someone has come out in his form class before. Both said they will be keeping an eye out.
The issue is it's very hard to prove homophobia unless he actually says something homophobic, no doubt he will just say he isn't off with her and he tells her off because she deserves it.
He did, however, shout at her Friday again, so she said to him that she hadn't done what he said she did, according to the phone call she had with one of her mates who was there, she even said "with respect" at him (this was said by her mate whilst she pissed herself laughing as they told me), and that he constantly blames her regardless of whether it's her or his favourites. Apparently, he went very quiet and told her to sit down, then he allowed her mate to sit with her.
No demerits so maybe her actually saying to him he picks on her and she has noticed may have helped.
But I will be keeping track of incidents and the inclusion manager said she will check in with both DD and me during LGBTQ club.
I'm actually quite proud she calmly put it on him without making an accusation.

Well it got worse today
DD said yesterday that she had asked for a new timetable, they're only flimsy bits of paper and previously they went to Student reception to get a new one but due to covid they are meant to ask tutor. She asked him 3 times and he didn't even respond. On the fourth time, he shouted at her for talking. Her friend said "sir, she is talking to you, why are you ignoring her?'. He then did the timetable (so he obviously heard her) and threw it on the desk.
Today she has come home fine. Now we have SIMs app, I check it during the day for achievement points and nothing was on there.
At 4.15pm I checked my email and had a letter from the inclusion and behaviour lead, saying "your child was in an incident and due to three strikes is now subject to a detention, due to aggression today in form class"
No mention of which child so asked both. Neither child had a clue. Neither had any incidents to go on the 3 strikes bar his ott reaction over the door but no demerits . Usually behaviour is met with instant demerits.
A demerit then appears at 4.45-tutor time is 8.25-9am on her SIMs.
I immediately contacted a couple of parents of kids in her tutor group, both children confirmed no incidents in form, DD was not chucked out.
This is where we have gotten. This is ridiculous now. He is a liar. Also schools notice of detention says whether I agree or not they will keep her until 4pm at least.
I've emailed but I could scream I'm so angry. He's a bully, pure and simple. What is the point of having 3 strikes then detention, and these strikes must mean demerits too, then ignore that on the word of this utter prat?
I've emailed the LEA and governors now but I'm to the point o getting our local LGBTQ advocates to get involved.
I'm not moving her school because why should I? She has a great group of mates and this one knobend is the cause of all the upset.

He's being utterly unprofessional and a bully.

Honestly, I would keep LGBTQ+ groups out of it for now. There's a lot of groups who have their own agendas and sometimes the waters get muddied. You've got this under control and you need to start collecting your evidence with a view of putting in a formal complaint when you're ready. Keeping complaints simple and to the most appropriate people is the best way to get a resolution.

Regarding the detention, you need to contact the senior leader for pastoral (who will probably also look after behaviour in most schools). Explain you had this notification at the end of the day for tutor time but you and DC don't understand how this could happen. Outline that your understanding of the school policy is X Y Z (copy from policy here). Then say that having spoken to your child and other students in the class what actually happened was A B C. Make it clear that the tutor failed to follow the school behaviour policy and as such you don't consider the detention to be valid and are expecting it to be cancelled.

From there, you've got a decision to make. Either go straight to formal complaint to the head, or give the senior leader for pastoral and the head an opportunity to address the situation and for there to be a meaningful chance in the tutor's conduct towards your child.

On the detention letter, schools don't need consent to issue a detention letter. It may be poorly worded but many schools make it clear that they don't require consent for detentions. Whilst they can't forcibly detail, they can escalate up to the next step in the behaviour policy should the child miss the detention and 'but I didn't consent' doesn't hold any weight in law. Given you're speaking to senior leadership about a bigger situation I wouldn't worry about this though.

This is over the top awful on the tutor's part.

I don't know what the law is on secret recording devices but at this point, maybe it should be an option?

I'm so sorry for your DD. I can see my DD being in a similar position down the line if she gets a horrible tutor. It hurts to think about.

I'd also be mentioning the equalities act - sexual orientation is a protected characteristic and what he is doing could be classed as harassment. It doesn't matter even, whether he intends it or not, the mere fact that your dd feels harassed is sufficient.
Presumable you also have the emails you sent? So, if necessary, you could screenshot them.
Your dd sounds very brave, standing up to him. But now she needs you to help her stand her ground.

Late to this but I am so proud of you! What an absolute terror this man is! I remember vomiting every morning before school as I was being bullied by a teacher and my mum was not in my corner. Your dd is lucky to have you.

Oh don't get me wrong, I always look into stuff as I know kids can be full of it sometimes. But the history speaks volumes and his silence even more so.
I like the equalities act one, I will indeed by mentioning that
Her best mate has been chatting to her all night on her phone and her mum to me! Best friend voiced worry that if DD isn't in form class tomorrow, he will turn on her again (apparently he was off with her before and Mum complained about it). They have been God sends.
I also know of two others who had him as a teacher who also experienced unpleasantness, one of whom has Asperger's and he was just totally disinterested and looked for any excuse to send him to the SEN staff. I always think knowledge of previous bad behaviour and complaints helps although I'm sure teachers hate us all talking.

Anyway, Head who was copied in on epic email (read it to an appalled of it all DH who said "well I would t want that in my inbox and I've done naff all") emailed around 8pm, DD is to go to reception and not go class, she has assured me she will be looking into this, and most of it she was aware of from last year and lockdown.

I've kept all emails, my golden rule! I specifically won't do phone calls in any situation like this as you can't dismiss what is in black and white.

DDs mate has said she will go with her and mum is emailing as we've had enough, and another friend said he is willing to speak up for her too. Thank goodness for good mates.

I hate stuff like this, you'd think we lived in enlightened times wouldn't you?
I mean her attitude has been to wear a bigger pride badge when he's been off rather than losing her temper,but to him, that's probably worse.

I will let you know how I get on.

YAY FOR EVERYDAY SUPERHEROES!!! You are so very right that DD’s tutor is from many eras past.

You are handling this so well.

I love the idea of your DD wearing a bigger pride badge. That is probably something my own DD would do.

That man should not be a tutor.

Well quite. I get people have different viewpoints, but these should be parked at the door.

She actually chose not to go to form yesterday, and the head allowed that, and said they would use the time to have a chat and write down events. Her mate came too and voiced her own concerns.
Then, two others also spoke to DD about why she wasn't in form time and then they went and spoke to the head too and backed her up.

He chose not to go in yesterday or today, very convenient after being copied in on the mother of all emails I sent. I know the school has shielding staff so had been forced to take on supply so I doubt that's been welcomed. If he was isolating we would of course know.
Have to say though that the head has been great, she agreed she was aware of the issues from last year, and lockdown too. He can't deny those. And when all put together, it just shows how nasty he has been.
I personally hope he never goes back!

If the Head was aware last year or during lockdown, what action had they taken before now @LadyofTheManners? Seems a bit lax and allowed it to go further.

@DeegeeDee

If the Head was aware last year or during lockdown, what action had they taken before now *@LadyofTheManners*? Seems a bit lax and allowed it to go further.

The thing is, the issues were staggered. He was smart enough to leave gaps.

When the issue with my son happened, he denied he had been told but DS said he did tell him. Of course then it was DS word against a teacher.

With the kill yourself comments and DD swearing and being chucked out, I wasn't aware of the full details as she didn't tell me, I'm ashamed to say I told her off for acting up in class. It was only last week I heard of the length of time and comment made or that another parent had raised the issue, but she said she was told it would be dealt with. I know the little cow hasn't said anything since.

With regards lockdown, I think it was a difficult situation, the teachers were mostly working remotely, there was around 20 staff and they were mostly support, so I would imagine collaring him would've been difficult, when she was eventually added to the form Google classroom, I wasn't told what his excuse was.

The issue is as well that he simply does not respond to me. The last time he emailed me was July 2019 when I wrote to say I hope she fitted in with his form and thank you for excepting her. He sent me a lovely welcoming email back but of course, she wasn't out at that point. That's when his attitude had changed.

On reflection, perhaps the head could've put the events together. It's so hard though when it's teacher versus pupil, and I also wasn't sure if the kids in her class would back her up, obviously one lone voice sounds like a kid trying to be off about a teacher they don't like. But now we have several and a parent, well, that's something they can't ignore.
Personally I would like to see him explain to me but no doubt they will use covid regulations to not have an actual meeting.

It definitely sounds as if he has it in for your daughter. You can’t know if it’s for homophobic reasons though. There could be other reasons.
Either way, it’s not appropriate and needs to be dealt with.

I don't understand how the hell he thought he would get away with it. What an idiot.

Well done, OP.

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

I don't understand how the hell he thought he would get away with it. What an idiot.

Well done, OP.

Thank you

@Davespecifico

It definitely sounds as if he has it in for your daughter. You can’t know if it’s for homophobic reasons though. There could be other reasons. Either way, it’s not appropriate and needs to be dealt with.

Yeah it's difficult. I think the reason I wonder if it's the fact she is openly gay is because he was different towards her beforehand. He also ignored the comments made to DS about her.

Either way his behaviour is unprofessional and not what anyone would expect from a teacher.

Not at all behaviour of a teacher, thanks for explaining further Lady, can see how that has happened. Hoping for a successful result.

I’m so glad you’re dealing with this, I had a friend in class who was repeatedly picked on and disciplined unfairly by a teacher. He was gay (not yet out) and we all knew why it was always him who got into trouble. I’d have loved the chance to back him up and wish I’d done more at the time.

@WitchWife

I’m so glad you’re dealing with this, I had a friend in class who was repeatedly picked on and disciplined unfairly by a teacher. He was gay (not yet out) and we all knew why it was always him who got into trouble. I’d have loved the chance to back him up and wish I’d done more at the time.

It was so different when we were at school, I remember one of the biggest names you could call a boy at my school to rib them was a gay slur. I was at secondary 93-98 which doesn't feel that long ago but i know there have been 3 boys since we all left who came out as adults, probably because they're lives wouldn't have been worth living if they had been openly gay at school. I'm proud of her and I'm so grateful to her mates, they've been godsends to her, backing her up and supporting her.

As I said to her head though, if I and DH can be accepting and happy for her to be open about her sexuality, and see that it makes no difference to how much we love her, I don't see why another adult can be so backward and rude.