How do I support my year 12 to ditch his lock down Xbox lifestyle and settle down to Alevel studies?

[Yarr0w]

Still carrying on as if he is on lockdown.

He is studying 3 intensive Alevels, not bothering to do homework when he gets it, sitting on phone and Xbox all evening.

My two (15 & 12) are being blasé as well. I’ve had a talk with DD about how laziness now will affect her future choices - we’re in the US and poor marks will be seen by universities ( they look at their entire high school reports 😦).

Essentially, put the ball in his court and explain that you can’t make things happen for him now, he has to take control. If he does poorly, he’ll be faced with limited options.

I’ve tried. Doesn’t listen. Husband not supportive.😩

OK, then he’ll mess up and be disappointed In his results. It’ll be a life lesson that he won’t forget.

I didn’t do as well as I should’ve in my A-levels so I went back and did an extra year. Ended up at the university of my choice and have never been so lazy since.🤣

I think it's hard for all of them adjusting this year anyway, but the step up from GCSE to A level is huge. Presumably school/college will have sanctions for homework not done?

Can you remove the X box? I know most MNers say by this age DCs should be left to get on with things, but I think some kids need more guidance and support than others - particularly in these strange times.

Did he do any work since March?

It's not uncommon for Y12s to not realise how much work they need to do from the start of A-levels but if he isn't even doing his homework that's a big issue. He has chosen these courses and so should be motivated to at least give it a go.

I echo what a PP says about removing the X-box. Discuss it with him, he might actually know that it needs to happen but not be able to do it for himself.

I am a gamer myself and my ds too. But we really made sure that he can only play after he has done what he needs to do from early age. We have no limit to screen time, and first thing he has done coming home from first day at school was getting on with his homework, and music instrument practice since he wanted to carry on playing.

If he isn't even doing homework, I won't hesitate to take Xbox away. I normally think kids need to get on themselves and fail if they don't. But this is such a uncertain times for anyone, and more likely the time parents need to be firm for the children for greater good for them in the future.

Microsoft have a family account management and you can limit the time spent on it. That might be easier than taking the Xbox away entirely. You can restrict the amount of time (e.g. 1 hour a day) and the times/days allowed (e.g. weekend or after dinner etc).

account.microsoft.com/family I think is it

@WaltzfortheMars

Do you enforce a certain amount of time for homework before gaming starts? Or check its standard and send it back to be re-done if necessary? I can imagine lots of children would gallop through their work at the most basic level before bellowing, "Finiiiiiiiished!" and turning the game back on.

My ds is quite motivated, and pride himself with his work. So no, I don't check his work. From the feed back he got from teachers all though the lock down and at the end of the year meeting with form tutor, I think I can trust him. If he submits substandard work now, I'm sure I would hear it from teachers.

I don’t know what to do as Dh sides with ds and says he’s too old to mollycoddle.🤔 The thing is it’s not just the Xbox but his phone too. I’ve now taken away his Xbox but he’s on his phone instead. Says he’s done his homework at school. I know what A levels are like and his are hard, I can’t believe he has so little homework.

It’s going forward I’m worrying about. How strict should you be with year 12s?Dh says our job is done. I think we still have a role to play.

You can put limits on the phone too. If it's Android, get Google Family Link.
It is a compromise without having to take these devices away entirely. Sometimes knowing they have an hour to mess around on their phone and then they have to work makes it easier.

Is there anyway of restricting an Apple phone?

You say he’s in year 12? Has he just started his A levels or is he going into his second year op?

My ds is 17, just started year 13 yesterday so second year of A levels. The Xbox has been on pretty much every day and ds had a full remote learning experience. He still lied and told me that his work was up to date and then on Monday night he panicked and told me that he had loads to do for one subject. His first day back was Tuesday and yet he had left it all those months. I despair!!

He has Aspergers and anxiety and he has really struggled with his MH over the last year and especially since starting his A levels as found the jump from GCSE was huge.

I don’t know the answer but just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one in this situation. I say to ds “you obviously know best” hmmm

Ime too much screen time is the biggest thing that prevents DC achieving their potential in terms of exam results.

In my house screen time has to be earned through studying- my three now just get on with their homework and revision as they know they will simply have no screen time otherwise.

The way it works is that I set each DC an age-dependent amount of study (homework and revision) that they have to do each day. They then have to ask permission to go on their phones or consoles after they've done their study.

DS1 is in Year 13 now but last year he has to do 2 hours of work each weekday evening and 6 hours over the weekend, so I think this could be a good idea to start with your DS. The key thing is that this becomes non-negotiable and just a part of their daily routine.

OP, I have had the same issue to an extent with my DS. He is the archetypal 'bright-but-lazy' teenage boy and we have locked horns over it soooo many times over the years.

He's done very little work since Christmas, really. And then at the start of July the college sent out their predicted UCAS grades. His were not good! The penny did drop then I think as he realised that if he didn't get his head down and start working it would scupper his chances of going to uni. He had a panic, worked like mad for a couple of weeks and does now seem to have realised what he needs to do.

BUT - I have decided to step right back. They know what's expected of them this year. They are old enough to be able to make the decision themselves as to whether they will engage or not. And if they don't engage, they won't get to where they want to go, at least not immediately.

I do think we can try all sorts of tricks and strategies but in the end the ball in in their court. It's really really hard to do this but I have come to the conclusion that you can't force them to engage, they need to get there in their own time.

I should add, I still ask him what homework he has etc and take an interest, but I don't nag anymore. He knows the responsibility is his, not mine.

By the time they get to A levels, they should be able to work independently. If he refuses to apply himself , he will fail and that will probably be the kick up the backside that he needs.
Sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them

The problem is gaming is very addictive, and it is designed intentionally to be so. That is hard for a 16-yo to deal with, even adults find themselves unable to control their gaming. A little parental support while your DC is still under the age of 18 is reasonable. It's all part of the growing and learning process and hopefully in 2 years' time when they are properly adults, they will be better able to control their gaming and phone use. In the meantime, they still need parental help to get there.
Personal bugbear of mine - 16 is not 18, 2 more years of development to go.

Plus this particular y12 year group have had a very strange 6 months with probably no learning, even online, since March and need help getting back into the mindset of work and motivation. If necessary, take devices away (nuclear option) or else find a way to ensure work is done before a limited amount of time is spent on devices afterwards. And no devices in bedroom, definitely not after bedtime anyway.