Help!!! Did we choose the right secondary school for dd???

[overthehill]

My dd has gone to a different secondary school from all her friends, who are mostly divided between 2 schools: we went to several open evenings and she opted for the church school, which the others couldn't get into. They're all good enough schools and her friends seem to be enjoying themselves, in contrast to her . She was fine at first, having made two new friends, although she said she'd nothing in common with them really, but she's been in a really negative state this week and I'm beginning to wonder whether we made a terrible mistake.

She went to a wonderful primary school & was in a very close & fantastic year group, and she had a large circle of friends, many of whom she's known from nursery/playgroup, so they've got a huge amount of history. I'd not worried too much about her making new friends as she's always been good at this, & I thought that people often drifted away from primary school friends anyway, whereas she could have the best of both worlds.

A lot of the problem is because one of her two new friends has now gone off with someone else who "hates" dd. I've suggested she invite the other new friend round to our house, but she doesn't want to as she says there'll be nothing for them to do, & she's not sure "what sort of games you're supposed to play at secondary school anyway"(!). She's quite unsophisticated and not into "teenage things", so I suspect she worries that the new friend might think her room's babyish. The second girl was also apparently bullied at primary school & dd worries that this might happen again & she might be bullied as well.

She's also discovered that both the other schools have drama on their timetables, which she doesn't, & she's devastated as she wants to be an actress & "can't see the point of learning anything else"(!)

I've told her that they must do drama as part of the National Curriculum & tried to reassure her re the friendship thing, but I'm getting so upset & worried about it as I hate to see her unhappy. She's acting as a guide at next week's open evening, but saying she doesn't know what good she can say about the school.

What should I do?? Wait a few weeks & hope it all blows over or go down on bended knee & see if I can get her moved???

Hi, did your dd opt for the church school? If so why?

One of the other schools seemed like a cross between a boot camp and a cramming factory, with ridiculously strict & petty uniform rules & very little in the way of pastoral care & the other seemed very run down & uncared for when we visited & has had a problem with bullying in the past - in fact a boy in the year above dd from her primary school actually set the art room on fire and was excluded!

Her school seemed to have the right combination of being caring, ordered but not too pushy, & she also said she'd appreciate not being the odd one out ie the only one who went to church. Because we had the added option & we all liked the school the best, we decided to take it.

The other two are also quite a bit bigger, & dd preferred the thought of a smaller school.

I would leave it for a while.
Sounds like this school is the most suited to her and she'll have to try and make some new friends.
At this age my dd flitted between groups of friends ,most of them did.They're sussing each other out.MY dd is now in yr 11 and they've been in stable friendship groups for a few yrs now.
If she's worried about having to keep someone entertained at home,how about meeting up to go shopping.You could take them somewhere ,then let them go off on their own and meet up later.
Yr 7 and 8 are hard yrs for girls I think.They are all changing and trying to fit into different groups.
If she's been good at making friends before I think she'll be fine.

I think she is having a negative week.

She felt as though she was strong enough to leave her old friends otherwise she wouldn't have opted for a school they were not going to.A very brave decision to make but she has become unsettled as her new friendship group has fragmented and left her a little shakey coupled with the girl going off with someone who doesn't like your dd.

She might be unsure wether to invite the other friend round just incase she abandons her aswell and maybe doesn't want to invest in her and of course she doesn't know her that well.

I would offer to take them to the cinema and maybe you could jolly them along a bit.

I would also try to maintain contact with her old friends say the odd cinema visit too or pizza hut lunch on a sat, something a bit more grown up?

This should hopefully make this transition time a little easier.

I had similar problems with my ds. I took him out of yr 4 and put him into a new sch which was more academic and disciplined. He missed his friends terribly but I arranged playdates with the old friends and he saw them at cubs and only now is he starting to form good friendships with existing friends.

I felt as though it was the best thing to do at the time as he was just messing around at the old sch and I feel he is more structured and mature at this new school but it took a while for him.

Don't think I'm helping?

Has she kept up with any out of school activities? My dd loves her new school, but is finding it hard to be back at the making new friends stage (there are 3 from her old school there but it's a huge school - 1031- and they are all in different forms) but she enjoys seeing her old friends at ballet and Scouts. It's been a bit of a lifeline for her in these sacry early weeks.

And is there a Saturday drama club she could go it? Stagecoach or something?

We made a pact with dd when she was having a wobble in the summer about choosing a different school than most of her friends. We said that after Christmas we will go out ofr a grown up lunch together, just her , me and dp, and talk about how the terms has gone. If she really hates it we will look at possible options. This really helped her - maybe you could do something similar?

Re the Drama - I'm sure your dd's school does do Drama (could you check on the school's website or in the prospectus) - all the ones I've visited have had drama departments.

Like others have said, it probably takes time to make new friends - in a way it's a good thing - otherwise she may get friendly with other girls that she doesn't really get on with ultimately and then spend Yr 8 trying to lose them!

I'm wondering if you live near me as a school in our area had a similar incident re setting fire to the art room!

At dd's school they ony do drama once a fortnight - but there is a lunchtime drama club. Has you dd found out about clubs yet? It's hard for them when they have to find out for themselves rather than a letter coming home so that mum can say "Don't forget to go to drama club today!"

Thanks for all your reassuring advice, folks - difficult for me to get on computer during the day because of competition from dc's(!), but they've disappeared upstairs now. Dd is still in touch with her old friends & seeing some regularly at guides/drama club(it's not that she doesn't do drama on an evening, but she can't get enough of it! - and she says there's no drama club at school either), although she said before she went that she was worried her best friend would forget about her. I think it's the contrast between their positive stories of school & her current negative experience that's part of the problem, & the other day a group of them appeared at our house, which emphasises her separateness.

We've recently got a new dog, so I thought some activity involving him might be good for when her new friend comes round (if I can persuade her to invite her), but yes, I think she is worried that this girl might ditch her too & think she's too babyish (because she's still got a dolls' house, doesn't go on Facebook/Bebo or whatever & isn't yet into make up/shopping/trendy clothes (just like her mother).

I think it's helpful to think that they're sussing each other out & I'm not sure how long this other girl's new friendship will last as dd says that the new friend tells lies & that she's told them that her brother is in prison for drug dealing(!), which I'm sure the mum of dd's original friend (sorry, this is getting complicated without mentioning names!) would be horrified at as her parents seem very straight-laced & quiet, & she's an only child.

The other amazing thing my dd did was to make a speech in front of the whole year about why she wanted to be on the school council & she got elected - but unfortunately the girl who doesnt' like her was another of the candidates, so I think she's jealous. What a tangled web...

Are you in North Yorks, GrapefruitMoon, or maybe art rooms are being set on fire all over the country??? I think it's important that I don't let dd see that I'm beginning to panic about things & the idea of sitting down with her at the end of term to review things seems a good one. Ironically enough, the girl who's caused the problems for my dd was left on her own when her primary school friend moved to another school, but she can't have given it long. The mum of one of dd's primary friends said a lovely thing when I mentioned it to her: she's a very special girl & it might take a while for her to find just the right kind of friends - ahhh!

If she is anything like my DS , he is absolutely shattered.He used to be up at 6 everyday, but now the alarm wakes him at 7. He complained the other day he doesn't have time to read at night as he falls asleep straight away.

When he is tired, he gets really negative.

Yes, Christywhisty, she is really tired, and I agree that can make her really negative too.

The friends thing - in my experience within weeks or months everyone settles down with new friends anyway. My two eldest children went to the same school as literally dozens from their primary school - within one month they were mainly spending time with children from other schools.

Drama - this will be on the curriculum somewhere. Our secondary school does one term dance, one term drama (we have a 6-term system). There are also lunchtime/after school drama clubs.

I wouldn't move her at this stage, but I would talk to her tutor and/or head of year after the friendship problems. They should be pro-active and really monitor things at this stage.

As far as advising your daughter goes, I would really encourage her to mix as widely as possible. Two friends is good, but (especially with girls), you then often get the problem of one feeling left out. And if those two friends are ill/not around for any reason, your daughter is on her own. If she can develop a bigger circle of friends, even if not 'best' friends, she will feel more comfortable in the various social situations school can throw up. When I look at how my son has settled in (he is now in Yr 8), he has a core group of about 5 friends and he spends most of his time with one or more friends from this group. These are also the friends he tries to see outside of school. But he also gets on well enough with other new friends to be able to eat lunch with them, work well with them in partner work in class and spend the occasional break or lunchtime with. These new friends have come from various areas - some are in his tutor group, some are in subjects he is set for, some are friends of new friends, others from clubs he goes to and others, well he just seems to know them!

Don't just worry about this though - speak to someone.

No not in N Yorkshire - must be a nationwide thing

I suspect that part of the reason the problem arose for her was that she had a couple of days off the week before last due to a badly timed procedure on her teeth, & no doubt her original new best friend was feeling a bit alone & maybe wanted to branch out herself, particularly as she and dd's other friend are from the same school. Dd has mentioned a couple of other girls whom she likes, so I'm hoping something will develop with them, but it sounds at present as though most are sticking to the primary school groupings.

She did seem a bit brighter today - though of course this could just be because it's Saturday, & I think I'll probably leave it until after half term & hope that things gradually improve. (Fingers crossed emoticon).

Haven't read all the thread so apologies if I am repeating anyone's suggestion, but regarding asking some new friends around, when my dd was in her first year in secondary she had a fancy dress halloween party and invited her new group of friends.

It was a way for me to get to know the girls, and meet their parents when they dropped them off, and "cemented" the friendships because of course they were looking forward to it and chatting about it beforehand.

We went through something similar last year, my ds was the only boy from his school to pass the 11 plus so went to the grammar where everyone else had gone to 2 primariesand knew each other and he felt that it was extremely cliquey.

I used to worry so much, every day I'd ask what he did at lunchtime and he'd say he sat in the library alone. He's always been very sociable and had good friendships at his old school.

Eventually, he started making tentative friendships which I encouraged by inviting boys back for tea, taking them to the pool, cinema, bowling etc and now, one year on, the situation is completely different. He sees at least one of his friends every weekend, even though they all live miles away, and they're constantly texting each other. He now has a little group of 4, and also another group as they're in a band together, as well as his old mates from primary.

I know just how awful this is for you, but stick at it, put some work into getting your daughter together with other girls ( a foursome often works well), and eventually I'm sure things will start to gel, at which point you can stand back a bit and let her get on with it.

I have a DD who's just started secondary too. If your DD is anything like mine, overthehill, she's tired, emotional and hormonal. My DD too, isn't one of the 'trendy' ones, and I think that makes them a little bit different, although not in a bad way. As for the school you've chosen, it sounds (to me) better than the other two. I think you've made the right choice, my DD was separated from a lot of her friends too, as she's gone to grammar. It can take several months to settle in properly. She'll find her niche in her own time. This point in term is when any niggles come to the surface.