Secondary School

[Horsesforcourses23]

Hiya,

I think I am in the right place for posting but apologies if not. I am after some general opinions please.

I have no children but my nephew has come to live with me on a permanent basis. (There is a whole long back story to this, which I won't get into but and he has suffered some trauma which is relevant).

In the shortest way possible, all of his friends are going to go to 1 high school, which 1) I am not in the catchment area and 2) The only way he could logically get there is 2 public buses.

Ok, so 1 - I am not in the catchment area but because of what has gone on, I have been advised that he would be entitled to go to that high school this would would negate any additional anxiety and keep him close with the solid friend group he has already made.

However I am really not sure if I should let him go to school on 2 buses. I don't know if I am overly worried, or just being protective or is 2 buses completely reasonable - for reference travel time would be about an hour.

The other option is to put him in a high school near me. He is not really shy (he can be a little bit) but I am quite confident he would make new friends, who would live closer to where he lives etc. The downside to that is I am not in the best of area's and non of the schools are particularly strong either.

In addition he does struggle academically.

So I am just after general opinions or thoughts really?

Thanks for any responses.

Does your nephew have a preference? It sounds like he’s been through a lot so if possible I’d let him take a big part in the decision.

He say's he doesn't mind but would rather go where his friends are going, and I am totally 100% on board to do what is best for him.

It's just I am not sure if 2 buses is the responsible thing to do, but like I have said not sure if I am just being over protective and this is a completely fine and acceptable thing to do and other people would send their kids on two buses. Does that make sense?

Or do I just accept if he really wants to go to that high school then that's my only option?

Yes, that sound difficult. Lots of kids do go on a couple of buses though and he will get used to it. It’s definitely not irresponsibly in my opinion, (and I’m quite an overprotective mum. 😬) as long as he doesn’t have any special needs. He’ll soon be a teen and using buses a lot, although I can see your concern for year 7.

Have another chat with him and make sure he fully understands the travel involved as well as the time and presumably having to get up earlier. If the reason that he wants to go there is purely based on friends then my experience with my children is that within a few months they make new friends. By year 8 my children didn’t go around with any of their friends from primary school.

If it was me and he really wanted to go to the one further away with his friends, then I’d let him. If it’s only a slight preference and you think he could be talked into the one that’s closer, then I would encourage him to go there. Tell him the advantages, less travel, he’ll meet new friends and is likely to live nearer them so he will be able to see them easier outside of school etc.

Good luck, it sounds like he’s lucky to have an aunt that’s putting a lot of thought into doing the best for him after what sounds like some difficult times.

I had to take two buses to school, as did my best friend. We lived in different areas.

Both of us got our first bus from our homes and met at the stop for the second bus then carried on our journey together. Maybe your nephew could do the same with a friend of his.

It means only half of the journey is on his own and the other half is with his friend.

How big is the school and how sure certain is it that he will be in a form with his school friends?

DD is in a secondary with 8 forms per year group and she has two of her old primary school classmates with her. None of them were close friends at primary school.

The two girls she was close to and most others from h er primary school are in totally different forms and houses, she hardly ever sees them apart from Scouts and DD formed friendships fast with other girls.

Therefore I wouldn’t count friendships staying intact.

On the other hand, DD’s closest friends are three girls she was at nursery with, they went to a different primary school but we parents made an effort to keep in touch, it helps hat we adults became friends as well. DD will call these girls faster or more often than her school pals.

So, you could send him to another school and just ensure he meets his old friends on a regular basis, keeps up with hobbies they may share while encouraging new friendships at a closer school.

I don't think you should focus on the friendships because they will change. Lots of schools consciously split kids from the same school to encourage them to make new friends. By the end of Year 7 he will have a whole different group. If I were you I'd be downloading the latest ofsted reports for both schools and working out which was the best school and the best fit for him. Look on both schools' websites, look at the extra curricular stuff and choose that way. My daughter takes two buses there and back every day - that is not unusual, if you decide to go to that school take him on a dry run over the holidays so he knows where he has to go.

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate it. I have spoken with friends but no one has kids near his age so difficult. I will look at all the schools again and then make a decision based on that suitability. Thank you

I think 2 buses would be tricky and stressful. If the first bus was late would he potentially miss the 2nd? How long would the journey take?

My DD started Secondary last September. It's amazing how the friendships change and how many new friends they make. My DD has SEN and finds friendships tricky but even though after a term she was mentioning lots of new friend names.

The reality is he could have quite a hard journey to and from school for a lot of years whilst developing a new friendship group and not actually being that close to many of his old primary school friends.

I'd let him be involved in the decision but also take into account that friends do chop and change a lot at this age. Maybe a fresh start is what he needs?

It's a lot of time commuting (and not the best year to be having to take buses), and it means all his friends will be some way from home soon. If he were already at secondary, then the move would be quite an upheaval, but year 7 is not a bad time to start in a new area - it's much easier to make friends in year 7, and then he'll have local friends.

See what you can find out about the schools - look at "progress 8" rather than "attainment 8", if he's not a high-flier, and bear in mind that that's still just a number. Find out what support might be available to him, pastorally and academically.

If he struggles academically I would concentrate on what school will serve him better in that aspect rather than distance or friendship. Does he struggle because of learning difficulties or because he hasn't had much support so far? This will make a big difference.
The type of cohort will make a big difference.

Hi, you are doing the right thing thinking this through. He is very lucky to have an aunt like you. I would ask advice from his professional support too (his SW, his current teacher, any councillors he sees). Depending on his circumstances it would impact my thinking on it....if he's been through bereavement for example and his friends have been a comfort and support i would look to get him into school with them. Is there any possibility you could move.closer to the school?

The benefit of him going to the local school is that he can start fresh. People won't know his history or that he isn't with his parents. That might be a benefit. As he gets older his friends will love your way and he can see them on weekends and holidays.

But ultimately it has to be about which school can best meet his needs.

Given the background, I would strongly suggest you look at the pastoral care and SEN offers of the options.

When you say the local schools aren't strong, do you mean their progress 8 is significantly lower (which might be an academic reason to disregard), or poor Ofsteds, or something else?

I personally think 2 buses and an hour of travel each way is too much 'just' for existing friends.

I would look at the options with schools near you, given his history he be priority and will get in .. so look for the very best in both students support and educationally.. a new start might do him good and as he is going into year 7 all will be starting together and as people have said friendship groups change so much .

My ds has to take two buses to school and it takes around an hour - or longer, if you factor in waiting. He's now just finishing year 9.

Just before lockdown (around Jan) I started dropping him off at the second bus stop in the morning and picking him up from there in the evening. Is that something you could do? The reason being, he was starting to find it really tiring and stressful. Strangely enough, he coped better with it when he was younger. I think puberty kicks in and they start needing more sleep/getting more tired. Also school gets harder and there's more homework in the evening.

He doesn't mind the second bus (on the way - first bus on the way back) even though it's the longer journey as he has friends on that bus, so having kids to travel with is also a factor. Would any children from your area be travelling to the first school by bus? Ds hates having to get the second bus on his own on the way back.

As others have said, they do make new friends at secondary school and I would usually recommend a nearer school, all other things being equal (unfortunately, they weren't for us!) - but given your nephew's situation, I can understand your worries.

If you chose a local school and he didn't settle and make friends, would you be able to move him to the school his friends went to at that point?

Two buses can be absolutely fine if there is a reasonable service, and the waiting times aren't ridiculous. DD (and from September, DS) gets two buses to school, along with lots of pupils from her school (many of whom travel much further than her).

But it's about the rest of the school- which is most supportive? Which has good progress for pupils of his ability, whatever that may be? Can you speak to his primary and ask which schools they think could be best for him? (I urge you to do that soon if they close tomorrow!!) If he's had a difficult time recently he needs a supportive environment that can go him get on with his learning.
Friends are friends. He'll make new ones whether he goes to the same school as them or not, trust me.

Thank you this gives me more thought.

I do not have to apply for the school until September for him to attend the following Sept (2021) so I know I am asking in advance but I know I have to chose in a few months.

Can you advise what this is - "progress 8" rather than "attainment 8" because I have only been looking at Ofstead reporting and going from what they say.

I know I sound super naive, but I honestly have no idea what I should or shouldn't be looking for.

In regards to his learning "Does he struggle because of learning difficulties or because he hasn't had much support so far?" - I think it's both to be honest, he is dyslexic but also get's highly distressed if he is struggling, so like with the schooling at home I have to do these in really really small batches. School think he has the ability he just feel overwhelmed. (Could grow out of this as anxiety eases off now he is settled with me)

I also genuinely given thought to selling and moving closer to the other school but I am really not sure if that is a viable option for me.

'Attainment 8' is a score based on how well pupils do in their GCSEs. This is massively impacted by the incoming ability of the cohort.

'Progress 8' is a measure of improvement - so the measure 'predicts' what a cohort 'should' get based on incoming SATs and the Progress 8 is how well they did or didn't do compared with that.

You can find them on the department of education compare schools info. NB they can vary a lot from year to year, and small differences aren't statistically significant.

I have been advised that he would be entitled to go to that high school this would would negate any additional anxiety and keep him close with the solid friend group he has already made.

Just to pick up on this bit - who advised you? Is it because he is classed as a LAC and therefore highest priority, or would you be looking at applying under social need type criteria? I am certainly no expert, but be very clear about the criteria and how your DN fits them so that you know you really do have a choice here. There are posters who are very knowledgable about admissions who may be able to help with any questions on this.

Ah,it's applications for next year? That's fine, you have some time then. Do speak to his senco, as they will likely know full well which secondary can meet his needs best.

If it's for 2021 then you may be able to visit each school at their open evenings - they are great ways to get a feel for each school yourself. If they're not doing this because of covid they may be doing them online but your nephews current school will give you info on the application process at the beginning of the next school year.

Can he join local Scouts, Cadets or similar to make local mates. I would go for local - unless he is likely to move back. Unless you are London based I think two buses would be far from the norm and daunting for many year 7s.

Definitely go and visit the schools. It's better to go during the school day if you can.

Look for and ask questions about pastoral care. He will need it.

Two hours a day travelling is a long time for a child who has lots going on. I'd also be concerned about the people he may mix with during this time. Probably not worth the hassle as he will make new friends anyway.

Take ofsted reports with a pinch of salt, and check how old they are.

My son had concerns about the school bus, he had a 20 minute wait before the return bus even left the school and in that extra time the traffic built up so it would take him an hour or more to get home. I compromised and said I'd collect him from school if he went there on the bus. But he only had one bus... could you drive him to the second bus?

Thank you all so much for your helpful responses, it's given me some things to think about and to talk to him about it more. Also thanks for the info re schools and checking if they are suitable!!

Now... does anyone have the answer to how to actually do parenting properly ha ha! :-) xx

Be a team. He'll need loads of compassion but he'll need to know what's what too, and know that there are clear boundaries. Most kids that have experienced difficult times tend to lose it a bit once they feel safe too, so do expect a rollercoaster of emotions and behaviour. Be strict enough, have high expectations, but high tolerance for mistakes and learning. And don't forget to keep in place the things that you need for you ❤️