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Secondary education

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11+ or not? Do I let dd have final say?

30 replies

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 09/06/2020 21:37

My dd (year 5) is capable education -wise but not as confident as she could be. She feels that she should not do the 11+ as if she passes she won't be able to cope with the work at a grammar school.
I have explained that her teachers feel she is able enough and ultimately she might or might not pass but if she does it potentially opens up more options for secondary schools, not that she has to go to a grammar school.
We do some prep work at home, although not that much lately as she is struggling (mental health wise) a little with not being at school anyway, but still have 3 months to look at the work.
So, should we give up on the idea? Should I continue to gently push her towards the tests or?? Any advice please?

OP posts:
vintageyoda · 25/06/2020 10:57

It's clear that some 10 year olds must be a little more mature than others. Mine understood that 'going where your mates go' is not a fitting reason to choose a school. I have been able to 'steer' my children through tough choices whilst still allowing them some sense of ownership of their choices.

WombatChocolate · 25/06/2020 11:08

What are the Comps like where you are? Are they genuine Comps with the full range of ability (unlikely in a grammar area) and do they have a decent number of bright children and set them for a number of subjects from fairly early on?

The problem with 11+ is its a one-time -only experience. If you choose not to do it, you've missed the boat and won't be able to change your mind.

Most children feel a bit anxious or pretty anxious about it. They aren't daft and realise that it determines their future school - that would make anyone feel a bit anxious and most children will say they don't want to see it the paper at some point. Whilst doing even basic familiarisation, most children will feel a bit over-whelmed at some point and think it's beyond them. It's all entirely normal. However a child who is having serious mental health issues probably shouldn't have this added pressure. Only you can judge if she is feeling the normal anxiety or there are more serious underlying issues.

If it's the normal anxiety, some gentle coaxing and encouraging and a low level familiarisation plan for the summer, so she knows you can help her prepare and have a plan which isn stressful, is definitely worth trying. If you think and her school think she's academically up to it, you might always wonder otherwise. If she doesn't pass, it doesn't matter and you choose another school....but at least you know.

Don't be influenced by the people who say it's impossible without 2 years high intensity tutoring. If she's a bright girl, unless it is a super selective of the Henrietta Barnet type, every year, students who've had a bit of familiarisation and are bright get in.

You will need to do familiarisation. No one should sit down to do verbal and non verbal reasoning in an exam without having seen those kind of Qs before. Your job is to encourage, make a plan so she is prepared in a low key way. You will have to accept it won't all be a smooth ride until the exam. Everyone preparing over the summer will find some struggles along the way...unfortunately it's par for the course and not pleasant.

My0My · 25/06/2020 16:54

Some DC are impossible to get to the test centres. Some DC write nothing on the papers. Some DC won’t be gently persuaded.

BostonCheers · 25/06/2020 17:05

Well then @My0My, you remove privileges if they refuse to go to the test centre. The clue is in the name - 10 year old children. The day your 10 year old refuses to sit an exam is the day you should pack in as a parent.

My0My · 26/06/2020 00:31

I’m not sure that’s a parenting style I agree with. I didn’t have these issues but I know people do. They might be children but they are not our possessions. They are not required to agree with parents at every turn in their lives. Some parents would rather have a stress free life! If it doesn’t matter so much and the comp is good it could well be better to avoid extreme angst and upset. Who, exactly, benefits from this. Maybe the parent who gets their way and is superior? Some parents negotiate.

I was never sure what privileges my DDs had. The things they enjoyed were brownies, dance, music etc and I had paid up front for them! I think I might have been the loser.

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