How to support not-coping bright Y7 with no time

[Echobelly]

So DD is 11, bright and in Y7... her brother is in Y4 and struggling, so what little time we have tends to be given to him and we hoped she'd get on and she seemed to be - we saw her doing work, we didn't hear much from school one way or another. But it's becoming increasingly clear she's hardly handed anything in and didn't tell us because she knew I was already overwhelmed with work and DS, and she feared DH would be angry and he has even less time than I do.

I'm in bits, I have nothing more left to give after helping DS and DH has no time - I feel awful for leaving her to it. I don't worry about her academically she is very bright and it's not a massive inflection point in that sense, and I don't worry about the school as they know that (though I am annoyed we/she had so little feedback) but I feel so bad for leaving her to it and that I don't know what else we can do.

I think she is finding it very difficult to do work without the structure of school, but we can't really provide much structure either. She wakes up very early and does her work then, and often says she has done all her work by mid-morning (but now she's saying she can't finish anything in the given time)

The only solution I can see at the moment is to hire someone as babysitter/
tutor for DS for a few hours a day (AFAIK one is allowed to have childcare in, no one in our house is particularly at risk from Corona) so we can give the time to DD, which we are in a position to afford as long as DH's contract lasts, which may not be much beyond the end of this month.

Can you or dh take leave for a week to grt her back on track

It's not clear if you both work from home ?

Can you work in the evenings and devote more time in the day

Childcare doesn't seem appropriate here, more an idea woukd be to talk to your work and her school and explain you're struggling

Could you get her an online 'buddy' who will work with her? Perhaps an A level or University student who might be willing to check in with her a few times a day/ mark her work etc, as well as perhaps chat/ be a bit of a friend while you are busy with her brother?

What sort of work is she set and when is it set?

e.g. DD's school sets work for the lessons they would have if they were in school, but they don't always get uploaded until the time the lesson would start.

What sort of support does school offer? Is there a teacher available online to answer questions, can she email?

My DD tries to work as she would for a normal school day so starts work at the same time, takes breaks etc. She often "chats" to friends in her class over social media or face times and they talk about the work (as well as general chat!). Is this something your DD could try? My DD can often contact the teacher online and can always email, so if she didn't understand what was expected her first response (well sometimes second, after trying friends) is always to contact the teacher for clarification.

If your DD is struggling to finish in the time, is this due to her being a perfectionist or do not understanding what is needed? As a rule of thumb if it's taking much longer than normal lesson time, she's probably doing too much.

I understand there is only so much time, but I don't think you can give all your spare time to DS at DD's expense. Can some of his work be incorporated into other times of day? e.g. he helps you cook and reads a recipe as he goes (or you can test him on tables). Can DD be roped in to support him at all?

I've also felt guilty about leaving my DD to it, so it's helped me to put in check points - I ask her about 9am (she starts at 8.30) if she's clear what she's doing for the day, check in at lunch time and then check in again at the end of the day. If she needs help at any point, I suggest strategies or help where I can. She's mostly ok with pointers, so this is only a few minutes each time. I've also suggested to DD that she should aim to get the week's work done by the end of the week, rather than worrying too much about getting it done each day. That takes pressure off.

Does school have a VLE where you can see what she is set? I tend to log onto DD's during dull teleconferences :) that means you can ask more pertinent questions when you check how they are doing!?

Thanks for advice all.

We both wfh - DH is on a contract and it's very full on, he basically only has lunchtime when he's free and not on call, and otherwise on working 8.45-6.30ish or sometimes later. He's only paid for the days he works and it's only a short contract, so he can't take any time. My work isn't quite as full on, but still busier than I have ever been before as we are doing extra work plus there are people in our team on furlough, and we're about to go into a particularly intense bit.

The school uses Show My Homework, and I am on it but can't always be clear what's handed in etc.

I think a big thing we need to do is to get her to ask someone for help - teachers or peers, if we're not available. The teachers can be emailed, but I don't know how good any of them will be at replying.

Work seems to get set 'on the day' and she says too much stuff is coming in on top of other things. They are starting more lessons via Tems this half term and that may help things a bit - I do wonder if she ought to do more of a 'school day' because even if she feels she works best early in the morning, I wonder if she's just trying to put the work behind her.

I have heard people say 'you could work with kids during the day and do your work in the evening' but I know myself and it's not an option. A lot of my work, especially lately given the project we are on, is long daytime calls, so I have to be at work at those times. Also I just cannot manage what would effectively end up being 10-12 hour work day. I've never been a long hours person, I really can't work in the evenings at all, and I need breaks, I would go stark raving bonkers if I tried to do that, TBH.

@Divoc2020 - online buddy is an interesting idea.

I think I might start by contacting head of year, saying it's become clear she's not coping, that we are looking at supporting her more, and does she have any suggestions?

I would prioritise your year 7 over your year 4 tbh.

Trouble is Y4 is in process of being assessed for ADHD, and unlike his sister is behind in his year, and with very little capability for independent work. He can stare at a blank piece of paper for 40 minutes unless reminded to get on with it every few minutes. So switching between him and work is already exhausting - if I added checking on her to him and work... it seems like too much, but I don't see I have much choice as DH has no capacity at all in the daytime and I suppose with her it's only keeping her on track rather than doing the work.

I think should start by asking her what we could do that would help her during the day.

Have also now emailed head of year to lay out the situation and ask what she might recommend, if there are any peer support groups (mum we know of an older child at school said he was trying to set one up, for example)

Echobelly - is she at a school that has a Sixth Form? If so, ask the head of year if they can recommend a sixth former as a mentor or buddy?

There might be someone looking for some sort of 'work experience' - as all the usual options have dried up because of the virus.

Well, based on your update, if DH doesn't start work until 8.45, and DD starts work early, then he can spend some time (maybe even 10 minutes is enough) going through the work she needs to cover during the day and checking she understands what she has to do. Equally, he can spend some of his lunchtime checking how she's getting on.

If DD is seeing "too much stuff" it might help her to sift through what is necessary and what is not. For example, my DD gets things like "PE challenges", "mindfulness", "random acts of kindness", "think about how you can help your parents today" etc. of course these are all well and good, but unless DD is particularly interested (or could do with a particular pastoral focus) then these are basically "extras" and she largely ignores them.

Having someone on Teams should help - if nothing else because she will get an immediate (ish) answer to questions.

You should also realise that engagement by secondary school pupils as a whole is not great, so it might be that although your DD is not doing everything she's set (and the ideal of course would be that she did) she is doing a lot more than other students in her year group, which is why it hasn't been particularly flagged up.

Have you looked into getting a tutor? Coronavirus tutoring scheme is good and free.

@Divoc2020 - no, the school doesn't have a sixth form, but could probably find someone on nextdoor or through our synagogue perhaps.

@RedskyAtnight - it's hard to tell how well she's doing. She is quite anxious so she might see not doing everything as awful, or she might be hiding from us the extent of how little she's been getting in. I would have assumed we'd have heard more from other teachers if she really hadn't submitted anything, but it took the whole of last term for her French teacher to tell us she hadn't seen any work from DD, although again, I knew she'd been doing the work as she came to me about a difficulty editing a file for it a day or two before that. But I still assume we'd have heard from some others if they weren't seeing anything, but maybe not? I suspect she started off OK but it had tailed off in the second half of term.

@Malmontar - do you have any links to tutoring scheme? I can't google any obvious links to it. It looks like anything there might be may be just for key workers (we're not)?

Re: DH supporting her early - unfortunately DH is not a morning person and is just about rolling out of the shower to go into his 8.45, so he wouldn't be any good at that hour, he needs a long time to boot up and I need that time for my exercise or else I'll never fit it in and it's about the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.

Coronavirustutoring.co.uk
It's not just for keyworkers but for kids who would not otherwise be able to afford tutors. Our Y7 DD has an English, history and music tutor through them and it's helped massively as she's been less lonely thanks to them. It took them a week of so to get back to us. They are students themselves and just do the work they have set with them.

Thanks - not for us then as honestly we could afford a tutor and I wouldn't want to keep it from someone who needs it!

I will be asking her if she feels a tutor would help, if only so she feels she has someone to go with for questions and keep her on task.

If my dd was struggling I'd suddenly become a morning person or give up exercise for 2 days a week. Or I'd prioritise her over your ds one day a week so at least she feels you care about her. It shouldn't take long to help get her back on track.

We can afford one, did got one that does maths and science with her but we can't afford anymore hence the scheme. It adds up and in normal circumstances my DD would not have 4 tutors, or any as a matter of fact.

Will she read happily? If so, I wouldn't worry too much and just set her the challenge of reading at least a book a day (a lot of e-books are free at the moment if you google them). A well and widely read year 7 student will often do better than their compliant peers who finish every school-set task and it will be an investment in her future. She's old enough to start some classic reading if she wants to, but it doesn't have to be that - there is so much good middle grade and YA fiction out there.

Reading widely, mostly fiction but also non-fiction for interest and pleasure, is one of the strongest indicators for success in other subjects, including maths and science, so you would not need to feel guilty that it's an 'easy' option.

My ds uses show my homework, and it's quite easy to see which assignment is due on which date, which assignment is pending, etc. If he has done the work, it will be in different section so it will not be in due section. It only takes few minutes to check.
I don't actually check his actual work, just check the to do list and calendar occasionally, and ask him on Friday if all the things due on Monday is done, otherwise he need to do them during weekends.

Even if you and your husband spend 10 minutes a day with her it will make a difference .Commit to that first and then try to find more time.
As a tutor at KS2 I am supporting pupils via Zoom it isn't as good as face to face but it's something.

You and your husband need to get into gear in the mornings to give her the support she is craving. It wouldn’t take long to go through priorities with her first thing and then check in periodically through the day.

I have a Y7 and a younger one and a working household, I feel your pain.
What jumps out from your post is that you feel terrible about something which is totally normal and happening in bedrooms up and down the land. Secondary schools find it very hard to match the workload to pupils. My DD works diligently every day and simply cannot keep up. My response was first like yours, but now I am just letting stuff slide. I spoke directly to the form tutor on the phone and said DD was working every day to the best of her ability and that I did not expect her to receive any demerits for late or absent homework. The school also started to send out all work once a week rather than daily, which really helps planning. This was following feedback, you might ask yours if they would do the same?
TBH I also think mental health is the most important thing, so DD spends a lot of time on art, music and languages, which are her actual interests. I would be more worried if she were slumped in front of a screen all day watching Friends. If your DD has a predisposition to anxiety, I would be especially careful to put her mental stability before French homework. Ditto if she hides things from you for fear of your reaction.
These are not normal times and we all have a hell of a lot on our plates.

I agree with last poster. Definitely prioritise your Year 7. I know hard with a Year 4 as they are younger and need more physical support, but being on top and supporting your elder child is more important.

Check she is emailing her school in and check the feedback via the teachers. Is she putting enough effort in etc. and enough detail.
BBC Bitesize lessons are go and there is plenty on there for her to work through. Zoom with a friend to do work. An A level student might be willing to tutor -ask locally. Reading though I feel is your friend here -get a list of recommended reading books for Year 7 and 8 from her English teacher or online and with a kindle -set her 10 books to read.

I have a year 4 and a year 8 and whilst my yr 8 is fine, if she wasn't I would find the time for her. My year 4 doesn't have a full timetable (he has 3 x 45 min activities set a day) so there is time when he is on a break or has finished for the day (or you and your DH have to take it in turns to get up a bit earlier to support her).