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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Daughter having second thoughts

15 replies

fatarse · 14/03/2020 12:26

Hi, we have recently accepted a place at Indy school for DD. Over the last few days it’s clear she is getting increasingly nervous and having second thoughts. I think this is mainly because her friends are going to some other local Indy schools - not all together but none of them will be on their own at a new school and she is feeling worried (she tends to worry a lot). I think our preference is Indy and she worked hard to get the place, but I don’t want to force her into going if she’s not happy. We have still a state place offer and need to accept by Monday. I know all advice is not to follow friends, but she is not so confident and has a small but very tight friendship group. Anyone offer advice?

OP posts:

BlueLadybird · 14/03/2020 12:39

Is there anything to stop you accepting the state place and pulling out later? Do they cross check with independent schools?

daisypond · 14/03/2020 12:41

She will make new friends. My DC all went to secondary school knowing no one.

Original poster

fatarse · 14/03/2020 12:41

I don’t think they do but it seems for me, morally wrong.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 14/03/2020 12:43

DD was the only one going to her new school until August when there was a late applicant from her primary. I reassured her that it was all going to be fine and there would be lots of girls in the same boat and that we were confident this was the right school for her. She is a worrier too.

Which is the right school for your DD. The "old friends" thing is important for such a short time as they all make new friends.

daisypond · 14/03/2020 12:44

Meant to add, those that went to school with those they knew from primary school did not keep up those friendships for long at secondary.

Original poster

fatarse · 14/03/2020 12:54

Thanks Daisy, This is what I think will happen to be honest, but I don’t think she can see it. She was expecting one of her friends to go with her but she changed her mind and ended up accepting a state place. I think generally she is worried about leaving her current primary full stop - it’s a teeny, safe, local school and she has been very happy there, so any move will be a wrench in her mind currently, and I can understand the reasons for her naturally wanting to hold on to something that feels safe.

OP posts:

Original poster

fatarse · 14/03/2020 12:56

Thanks soupdragon, we are saying exactly that and I think it will be the case but I can see the worry building as the letters from her new school arrive and the reality is dawning.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2020 13:04

Dd went to a local Private school
She was really up for it and excited in Y6 at her Secondary school but as everyone else got their offers (mostly for the same Company) she had a few wobbles and the transition days were hard when there were only about 5 or 6 of them left behind from a year of over 90!
It was made easier by the fact that he either option was Grammar so she didn’t have a place at the same school as all her friends
She’s Y10 now and is very happy, says she’s glad she’s at the school she is
Her brother is due there in September and it’s a similar situation but he’s even less enthusiastic but he doesn’t have a place at The Comp either so he’s not got much choice anyway

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2020 13:04

Same Comp not Companyn

Zodlebud · 14/03/2020 13:09

The good think about independent schools is they often have children starting who are the only ones coming from their primary school. They are also really good at splitting up children coming together and putting the singles in groups together.

Any kind of change is scary but she really will be fine. My DD is the only one going to her school and was already chumming up at the assessment day with girls she had met at other events the school had put on. Just seeing familiar faces is so helpful.

Mumto2two · 14/03/2020 13:10

Yes definitely agree with the others; those legacy friendships rarely last. It’s certainly been our experience. When our eldest daughter joined her senior independent, she too was very anxious. But we knew it was by far the best choice for her, and just tried to reassure her. After her first day, she came home and cried so much, we felt horrendous, and wondered if we’d done the right thing. She had a lot of unkind comments from children at her state primary, about going to a ‘snobs school’ etc..and had built it up in her head that this was true! She would have little in common and would always be an outsider...yet by the end of her first half term, she was a completely different child. Now at various different unis, the friendships she formed there are still very strong, and she looks back at her time with great fondness. I hope your daughter is very happy too.

TeenPlusTwenties · 14/03/2020 13:14

I don't think it is morally wrong to accept the state place for now.
What would be poor form would be not freeing it up when you are certain.
Presumably you'll be liable for the first term of indie fees by their last day of this term or first day of term after Easter, so you need to get on and decide quite quickly anyway.
Kids make new friends, so I'd go with the school you think is best for her, not on where friends are going.

HPFA · 14/03/2020 14:49

How big is the perceived difference between the state and the indy - is it "this is acknowledged to be a really poor state school that most parents would prefer to avoid" or "this is a perfectly good school but we think the indy would suit her better."?

Are you able to check on the council website whether the school is actually oversubscribed? If it still has places available then you aren't going to be inconveniencing anyone by accepting the place and waiting to see how things pan out for a while.

AtomicRabbit · 14/03/2020 16:02

Almost none of the girls from DD's Year 6 are in touch anymore. I'm still in touch with a lot of the Mums from DD's old school and yet our DDs aren't.

Don't let her need to feel secure for a few extra months change her entire education. That would be daft wouldn't it?

She can always change over if she's desperately miserable after trying a few terms at the new school.

Part of growing up is getting used to being uncomfortable. it's a life skill to keep growing.

You could buy her amzn.to/3aXLP7k The Confidence Code for Girls.

All she needs is a bit of confidence - so get her out and about trying new things now before she starts. New groups, new experiences etc.

over11plus · 14/03/2020 16:04

There will be lots of girls coming in their own to the Independent- I know one form our primary- I remember you from another thread so know which schools you are thinking about. I also agree with you that you need to decide on the state school offer ASAP as it's a sought after school ( I know at least 2 who are hoping for WL places).
DD had a very similar choice - went with the Private- no regrets and DD was the only one from her school and all had been fine.
I think once you've made the final decision it'll all be easier.

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