DS starting secondary this year and I’m bricking it!!!!!

[nameymcnamechangeagain]

I’m so scared for him 😔 I nearly walked out of the welcome meeting yesterday because I found it so overwhelming. He is currently in a school with 37 children in the ENTIRE SCHOOL, his new school will have....1400 students. He doesn’t know a soul. I’m regretting his village school education now and getting myself in such a flap 😫

So be practical: is the school used to having kids from tiny schools? If so they will be used to it.

Can he meet people through activities or social settings who will be going? How can you prepare him to feel confident, manage friendship dynamics and making friends? Is there something that will help him (having the ‘right’ shoes / bag / hair)? Is there an opportunity to let staff know he might need support?

Does he need anything, or is this more your own anxiety??!

What did your DS think about it though?

How does he feel about it? To be frank it sounds like you are more worried than him and if that the case you need to chill out and not project your anxiety onto him.

I think it’s my own anxiety! Thank you, for replying, I’m having an inner freak out. Wherever he went this was going to happen, I guess it’s just never been a reality until now! He’s fine, but does say he’s scared. He’s quite sheltered. I’m just scared about everything, I nearly spent over £100 on a Hugo boss backpack because all I could think was “at least nobody could pick on him for that” which is ludicrous!

I have no idea what it’s in with kids. I’m just so scared, I’m overthinking everything. I’m entitled to free school meals, I’ve already decided I’ll pay if it means that nobody knows. 😞 I feel like he’s going to be eaten alive!!!

I’ve started a fb group, lots of mums have joined, we’ve spoken briefly about organising meet ups so at least they will have some friendly faces, I hope this happens!

Both my sons went to a secondary none of their friends did.

If this is a state school there should be a day in July where all the year 6 children go up to their chosen secondary and spend a day in their new form with their new class mates.

My son also attended an extra morning with children coming from non-feeder schools, so some team building games and more familiar faces.

If you can at any point, without looking like a stalker, park up nearish to the school to see the kind of rucksacks, coats and shoes the boys are wearing I would do that.

Mine have never had expensive backpacks, more like a £25 laptop bag off Amazon

I will tell you that both of my sons, introvert and quiet Ds1 and quirky, nerdy Ds2 both made amazing friends.

But breathe, he will be okay. He will not be the only child who doens't know anyone. He can walk to lunch with whoever he sat with in the previous class. There should be a school trip fairly soon after they all start which is designed to break up some primary groups and introduce new kids to them.

There are loads of lunch time or after school clubs he can join to make other friends too.

Assuming you are in England - forget worrying about his bag! Get him to find out what others have, what he wants - if needs be buy a cheap black plain one nearer the time that can be upgraded if necessary at a later date. Better to go bland than expensive statement if you are not sure!

And honestly - do tell the school he is entitled to Pupil Premium. It helps the school, and it helps him, if he gets that extra money (and you if he is getting free meals). Presumably primary knew anyway?

Yes, perhaps the Hugo boss rucksack could be swapped for a more normal one! Let him choose, my 11 yr old wouldn’t let me choose her stuff. But I keep an eye on what sort of things are ‘current’ so as to keep up!

I’m concentrating more on enabling them to survive. Not being anxious but excited, encouraging independence and organisation. Having some proper chats about how to handle situations, and problem solve.

Re the free school meals it’s unlikely anyone will know - they will probably have a certain amount credited to their electronic account every day.

My DS is in year 8, and went to a primary school of just over 40. His secondary school has well over 1500. He was lucky that he went with a friend, but honestly, it's been fine. Anyone going alone from their school had extra sessions to get to know people. I think he's coped really well, although really nervous about it, because at a small school they can't hide, they have to do everything, which helps gives them a good background. He also only has a £15 millets rucksack, and it's never been an issue!!

What country are you in because in England the schools won't know for definite yet who is going in September, never mind holding welcome meetings.

Our school uses finger print scanners to pay for meals, no cash changes hands so nobody knows whether you have paid cash or are FSM.

WE also have split breaks and lunches do that only year 7 & 8s are at break at anyone time.

Where are you?
My DSs both went from a tiny village school to the local secondary and there are loads of DC from other tiny village schools there. They were fine and ready for the move. You need to be positive about it so he is, though.

It is your own anxiety, please try not to transfer this onto your ds. I promise you he'll surprise you.

My dd was such a shy girl in primary school, again a small village school where she knew everyone. Secondary school has the 7 classes per year. Her primary only had 3 classes in the entire place! We would walk to school and secondary she had to catch the bus. I was petrified.

You know what, she absolutely thrives at secondary. She loves it.. I'm so so proud of her and you will be if your ds too .

What country are you in because in England the schools won't know for definite yet who is going in September, never mind holding welcome meetings.

I'm in the uk and we found out in March, I know that the kids going to secondary school found out which school their child was allocated to on the 1st of March this year too (my friend has a year 6, soon to be 7 dc). We had welcome meetings straight after finding out

No point in worrying till you know there’s something to worry about!

Definitely claim FSM if you’re entitled. Most schools these days are cashless so the other kids won’t know, money will just be credited to his account.

He won’t be the only kid in the school who won’t know anyone. He’ll have a tutor group, they’ll have ice breaking activities over the first couple of days, maybe a teambuilding bonding trip and opportunities to get to know the other kids. There’ll be a moving up day in July to meet people too.

I don’t know about the Hugo Boss rucksack, I think that’s more likely to make him stand out than fit in. Most boys at my school have some generic rucksack.

At my dds' comp Nike bags are most popular this year. Was Adidas last year. Not that all have that. My two chose different ones.
I was absolutely terrified of my now year 11 dd going to high school as at primary the cool kids looked down on her and were a bit unkind. I assumed it would just get worse at secondary. Guess what, secondary has been a lot better for her. She's in a group of lovely kids with close friends. The cool.ones don't bother them.
I worried less about dd2 but slightly wondered if her very red hair may bring negative attention. Nope. Lots of friends and thriving. No meanness about hair.

@ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords I'm in England, we found out on the 2nd March and most certainly had a welcome meeting this week.

I'm in Hertfordshire.

Thank you for all of your replies!! I know it's probably normal to be scared, I'm pretending it's exciting when talking to him, he doesn't know I'm worried! I discovered that he was searching for porn yesterday, so I guess he isn't as sheltered as I believed and now I'm more focussed on that!!!

I am not prepared for this!!!

*What country are you in because in England the schools won't know for definite yet"
Given that places were given out on March 2nd they will have a very good idea.

OP please don't worry. Try to see it as a positive thing and try to pass that on to your DC. For the vast majority of children I know secondary school is a positive experience.

What are his interests? Try to encourage him to try out some clubs in those areas when he gets there. Encourage him to walk into his new classes with a smile. Practise with him sitting next to someone he doesn't know and thinking of a question to ask them.
Ask him what backpack he wants.
Buy him Adidas shoes. You can't go wrong with Adidas!

What country are you in because in England the schools won't know for definite yet who is going in September, never mind holding welcome meetings
Jeezo 🙄 that’s right MN only serves England, you know Scotland don’t do this faff of applying and we start our induction days before Xmas.

Of course schools know!

My dd went to a school a term late where she didn't know anyone (or anything having gone to primary in another country) in a school in a not brilliant area thinking sushi was a normal lunch.

She was absolutely fine, stayed for an after school club in her first day and made friends straight Away.

They are just children. Does he do anything out of school,where he could meet so,e other children who will be going or who are already there?

He will soon learn to move around the school. Nobody will know Jared they are going. Any chance of getting him a map before he goes?

It is an anxious time but your DS will be fine. I worried about both my children moving up to secondary, my son because he has an EHCP and I was worried about him managing the transition but the school have an excellent SEN department (the reason for our choice of school) and he loves it. My daughter went to the same school 3 years later, knowing only two other children in her year and she made several new friends on the first settling in morning.

I did do a bit of dog walking in the park outside school before my daughter went so I could see what were the most popular shoes and bags, and joined a FB group for her year group.

Our school, and all the other schools I know locally, realise this is a big transition for the children and do their best to help them settle in. I let my children's tutors know that they didn't know any/many people and they had a Transistion to Year 7 teacher who looked out for them, and all the year 7s settling in.

As the others say definitely claim FSM if you are entitled, it really helps the school's funding. Our school sends out letters reminding parents to claim if they are entitled. A thumb system is used so I don't think the children know who claims. Maybe check your school's payment system?

Yes it is a thumb print system (made me feel like a dinosaur!!!) I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing!!!! He doesn't do anything after school now, he's stopped his clubs and I've not pushed it as he probably should start his revision for SATS. I think the school are putting on two days during the end of the summer holidays that we have to pay for, they go in and meet other kids and do activities so I'm sure it will be fine!!! 😬

I think he is more likely to stand out with that backpack to be frank. Take it back and get a black Adidas or Nike version.

I agree with the others about a boring backpack. I was prepared to buy my boys the 'right' backpack as I remember always wanting the 'right' bag at school. Turns out most boys really don't care . You can get really cheap ones in places like sports direct.

Nobody knows who has free school meals when it's electronic. He'll probably have a daily limit but the school will explain all of that.

Not knowing anyone: Our school takes children from around 40 primary schools, and quite a lot of 'singles'. The tutors are told who is coming up not knowing anyone else and they keep an eye on them. There are lots of things in the early days to help them get to know each other.

FSM: With a fingerprint system no one will need to know, and he'll get extra funding.

Backpack: Agree with the others, go with something boring and generic to start with. I'd try to return the one you have. Hang round the school at arrival/chucking out time and see what the smaller boys have.

He will likely be fine. And it's nearly 6 months away still...