Got 1st choice secondary - now changed our mind!

[stickygotstuck]

As the title says, DC has just got admitted to our 1st choice school. I should be over the moon but I'm just not!

We have been very lucky as are just out of catchment and it's massively oversuscribed. I am very aware there are people out there would give their right arm to be in our position. However, I can't shake the feeling that we should go for our 2nd choice instead (not oversuscribed and in our catchment so should be easily done).

The reasons why it's oversuscribed are because it's an Ofsted 'good' school and gets decent results. But mostly because (1) it has a good reputation going back years which it lives off and (2) snobbery, frankly. Middle-class parents go to great lengths to avoid their children going to 2nd choice school (which is also Ofsted good, smaller but in a more working-class area), 1st choice school has a more middle-class catchment.

We personally chose 1st choice school because:

• offers 2 languages, which is important for us (except now we have Brexit and no Erasmus program, but that's a different story)
• larger school and more diverse catchment, so larger pool of friends for slightly quirky DC

The downsides are:

• requires bus (2nd choice is walkable), which means longer days for DC and having to pay for it as it's technically just out of catchment
• new friends are unlikely to live locally
• a lot of DC's school mates are going there. There haven't been massive issues but DC was looking forward to secondary school as new start after their very small primary

Would the downsides be enough to make you go for 2nd choice school instead?

2nd choice downsides are:

• does not offer two MFL
• it's smaller and less diverse

I know people are allowed to change their minds and things change. It just feels mad to reject a school so many are clamoring to get into (roughly twice as many applicants as places).

A larger school means you are more likely to find your tribe. It does depend also how you feel she would fit - do you feel more working class or middle class, remember that snobbery can work both ways. Dd is often accused of 'talking posh' because she doesn't have a strong local accent

Manyoakes thanks for sharing your DC's experience.
I see the bus as a huge waste of time, and potentially an opportunity for bullying.
Interesting what Nesbit says about it having been good for socialising. DC is quiet and a bit awkward and I can't see it being great for her.

I guess I'm hoping that if we stick at it for say, a term, those things can be ironed out.

Sotired, for what it's worth I rang school 1 to ask if they had any plans to withdraw or change the languages they offer, explaining that that was pretty much our only reason to choose the school. I was told that they had no plans to change at all (although of course they couldn't say for sure that'd never happen).

I agree that you can't just easily pick up a language at A level, and availability is an issue in most schools.

Hi op, we had a different situation but similar in that ds got into the prestigious school that people would sell their granny for. He got off to a decent start and soon went downhill after becoming a victim of horrific bullying which the school tried to brush under the carpet. I ended up removing him and home schooling whilst appealing another school but didn’t win.

I was literally called crazy for removing my just turned 12 yr old with anxiety and Aspergers from such a fabulous school that had over 1000 applications for 120 places.
Best thing I ever did.

He went to a local less regarded school which didn’t have the best reputation but he had good friends from primary there and an outstanding pastoral department.

He flourished from day one and made a huge group of friends who all adore him. His GCSE results won him a load of awards and he’s now in sixth form doing his A levels.

I know it sounds flippant but go with your gut instinct. It’s rarely wrong.

I would go with school B.

Disdain, the bus is a major turnoff for me.

Butterfly, that is my main worry about school 1.

TW2013 and that is one of the two attractions of school 1! Funny you ask about the snobbery aspect. I'd say I am snobbery-neutral (not British ). I have seen it both ways. Out current primary is hugely snobbish, I never have fitted in really. But then, the local after school club can be inverse snobbish (DC has been known to imitate a broader accent so as not to stand out). I never fitted in there either. I guess DC does fit in a bit better in the primary. Although fitting in is precisely what she is not very good at.

I keep going round in circles, I know!

Capricorn your post is exactly my worst nightmare!

Your previous school sounds exactly like this one. I have been avoiding taking to people IRL because the couple I mentioned I was considering turning school 1 down to looked at me as if I had two heads! I should know better, we had the same thing when we chose primaries...

Very glad to hear your DS is doing so well now.

It really is a matter of weighing up what's more important, being able to walk to school or doing two languages. The bigger pool of school 1 for a better fitting tribe is a big pull, but the ability to walk to your mates' houses is the attraction of school 2.

How many are we talking when you say most from her current school are going to school 1? How come they are all going there if, presumably school 2 is the catchment school for most of them?
I would consider 800 really small for a secondary school - does it have a sixth-form?

Artie most of her class live closer to school 1 than us, on the side of town which is just in catchment of it. Also, this cohort has an unusually high concentration of kids from that side of town.

The school does have a sixth form, it is small but this area is semi rural, so kind of average. A couple of the primaries in the area have less than 100 pupils.

10 miles is quite some distance. Personally no I definitely wouldn’t choose a school that far, one thing extra to consider if the travel time as there’s a lot of home work, one of mine is in GCSE year and I’d hate to think he was spending 2hrs a day on a bus. I am very much in favour of people using local schools, unless of course they are terrible. If your DC can walk there, make local friends then that’s a winner. Not sure how you’d go about changing, but no shame in changing your mind

Darbs I agree, it does seem far. Except it doesn't feel that far to us because everything is that far around here iyswim . I do think the travel time is too much though.

You sound like you've made up your mind. The less time spent traveling is more important than the other elements such as reputation etc. So assuming your dh and dc are happy go with that.

My nephew is going to a school a bus ride away in a different County to where they live (near the border). He's made friends with all the kids in his year he gets the bus with and is getting on fine. I also went to secondary schools that were bus or train rides away. Travelling there and back is part of the experience.

Go for the school that's the best school for your son. I don't think the bus journey is a clincher.

I chose the smaller school, within walking distance with the far less stellar reputation and not the more leafy middle-class, favoured school.
My year 10 thriving and has after school clubs every day which he can attend easily.
Another child going next year.
Still get the frozen faces when asked what school they attend but learning to smile and ignore better than I used to...

Thanks bytheby and Dinky. I had the same frozen smiles when I say what primary we were considering as a first choice. As it is, we ended up in a different one, but it felt patronising. I'd like to say it didn't affect me, but at the back of my mind I did wonder if they were justified.

Nesbitt, I am driving myself mad now. I haven't made up my mind really. Instinct tells me we should go for school 2. But sacrifices have been made over two years to stand a chance of getting DC into school 1, and I feel a bit of a fool.

I asked DC this morning, who says school 1 because it's nicer with a nicer uniform, both worthy reasons to choose a school . But it does not help that school 2 is really tired and could do with rebuilding in parts. I do think that hearing all her classmates excitedly talk about going to school 1 is having a bearing.

All those things are incredibly valid though. Just because your changing your mind doesn’t mean that she has. If she prefers it then that’s really important. She’ll be spending the next 7 years there. Not you.

I agree. It might be an 11 year olds way of expressing what she wants.

Maybe try thinking of her at 25 (i know it's hard) and in her chosen career, place of living etc. What school gives her the best opportunity to get there?

Aspiration and opportunity are important and a culture of people doing their best to be what they want and where they want.

I agree. If the choice really is that close, maybe let her choose. Better to start something daunting feeling that it's right for you, than that it isnt what you wanted.

Thanks, bytheby", Nesbitt and Porcupine.

I think you are quite right there. I'd be extremely reluctant to go against her wishes, not without a very good reason. I don't know how I expected an 11yo to articulate a preference for a school!

Do your kids generally keep in touch with local friends they are not in school with? DC has some lovely friends she's met in clubs and they have been a lifeline. They don't attend the clubs anymore but they see each other after school and during the holidays. Us parents facilitate that and we have become friendly. It would be a real shame for the DC to lose touch. They are going to school 2.

At the moment, yes but it is noticeable w ds2 (now Y9) that local friendships are waning in favour of school friends.

Yes. Having an alternative set of friends outside of school is a huge plus in my opinion.

We were in a similar-ish situation two years ago. We chose our school 1 (v popular and oversubscribed) on the same basis suggested by ChristmasFlint. We knew if we chose school 2, there'd be no going back to school 1 but the same would not be true in reverse, IYSWIM. It was a stressful time, so I completely understand how you feel. As it turns out, we made the right choice and DD has settled well. I'm not going to lie, it did take a good few months before I finally felt able to relax. And even now when she has a bad day - grumpy teacher, fallout with a friend etc - I fleetingly catch myself thinking, "Did we do the right thing?" But we know did really!

DD has a shortish journey on public transport and has her kept her original primary friends plus has a group from her new school. It has been a good experience using buses and trains and given her a lot more confidence. Many kids locally to us take long bus journeys of the type your DC would take and they are fine too. A lot of the time I think it's a bigger deal to us than them and, by and large, they just get used to it. Also, I remember there was quite a lot of movement in the first few months of starting secondary. I know of several kids who were unhappy with their choices and moved schools. All are happy and settled now. HTH.

Thanks Never, that's encouraging to hear. That's how I envisage school 1 going with DC, fingers crossed.

That's the flip side of the bus, that it can encourage independence, even if on this case it's not public transport, just the school bus.

I used to LOVE the school bus as a kid - so much of the fun/drama/childish romance happened on the bus. I made friends with kids from other older years as well.

Thanks Xela.
Would you say you were a particularly outgoing child?

As a former quirky kid and the parent of a quirky kid I feel big is better. Much more chance of finding your tribe and a comforting feeling of anonymity. Often a better range of activities and clubs in a bigger school.

My dcs go to a school about 15 miles away and travel on the school bus. They don’t mind the bus as they can chat with friends. Dd1 reads and does homework but dd2 feels sick if she does so just talks I think. It’s a long day. Dd1 is y11 and if she stays for revision classes after school she needs to get the public bus, which is a longer journey, or I have to collect her, which I can’t always do. They don’t have the luxury of doing things spontaneously after school which they would do if they could walk.
It’s a faith school so a massive catchment and lots of kids in the same boat. Friendships can be tricky if others all live close and you are the only one a bus ride away.

A big factor in choosing a school for me was the results. Mainly because “bright kids will do well anywhere” is only partly true, and my kids are average, and I believe they will do better in a school where the average results are better. I also think, generally, it’s difficult to get your whole cohort getting good results if you have major problems with behaviour, bullying, poor quality teaching etc. Obviously there exceptions.