Should my child choose their secondary school?

[Bronte16]

A few days ago we were anxiously awaiting a letter from our favourite secondary school and delighted to get an offer. However the other kids receiving offers (from my child’s school and others we know well) are all heavily tutored nervous kids who do little in or outside school beyond practice books and spend their little spare time locked into their phones which this particular school is also struggling with. The kids I really wanted my child to be in school with (bright, characterful, interesting, curious, sociable) didn’t receive offers from this school at all. So now my child says they are set on our (outstanding) local comprehensive along with local friends. Does anyone have experience from a similar situation? We loved this school so much and I feel the pressure from many people to accept the incredible offer. How do I know if my child is absolutely right or would be making a terrible mistake?

I want to add we know older kids at this school and they don’t fit the description above which is why we chose it. We were told the academic standard for the papers was very high which meant many we were hoping to go to the school weren’t even invited to interview. It’s horrible to feel so differently about a school in just a matter of days.

Which school would your DC be happiest at?
Which offers the best for your DC?
Which is best for the whole family?
What attracted you to the school in the first place?
You have another DC there, how have they found the school?
You get bright, interesting, cheerful, sociable DCs in local comprehensives too.
These are the sort of things you need to weigh up. Just because the school suits one, doesn’t mean it suits another.
If you haven’t got a problem with either of them and would be happy with your DC going to either then why shouldn’t they choose? They have to go there for the next 5–7 years.

I don’t have a child at that school but we know children there in various years. Yes the comprehensive is full of those great kids - and even more so now. I loved the resources, the culture, the subjects, the variety, the school trips. It’s badly located in a middle of the town though and the comprehensive wins for green space. If you had asked me those questions last week I’d have given you a different answer. I am struggling to really work out if this is an anti-climax for both of us or lucky to realise now the school isn’t the best one for September.

The best school is the one your kid is happy to go to. My parents weren't sure about the school I chose (they had to go abroad and send me to boarding school, with no knowledge at all) but it worked out very well.
Just had to go through the process with ds. Luckily he and I liked the same two schools at open days, but then he became fixated on the one that was a bit less convenient. Looked round them on a normal school day and the one I liked he suddenly hated, and thankfully the other he loved and it convinced me too. 35 rather than 25 min travel with more walking isn't a bad thing.

But we've had a number of school refusers in the family, which makes me more willing to support my kids' choice.

Sorry OP, I misread your original post.

I can’t see any disadvantage of trying the comp.

I wouldn’t turn down the offer for the school you originally wanted as you don’t have a confirmed place at the comp yet.

Re-investigate the comp. Their website should have all the curriculum information, any extra curriculars that go on.

Do you know anyone who has DCs at the comp? Could you ask them and their DCs about their experiences (and the rest of the questions you have?)

The only thing that has changed in a few days is some of the children going. We know of about 10 offered and 10 not offered so I know it’s just a fraction of kids starting in September and nothing otherwise has changed. But it does tip the balance of consideration for us.

We will get into the comprehensive along with many friends. It’s a great school. With no offer last Friday we would have been happy with it.

As you rightly said, it's 10 kids. And your child may not end up staying friends with any of the kids they join at their comp. Our DD is in Y7 in a state school she knew nobody in. She's loving it and doing great. There will always be kids that are iffy and I'm sure all those tutored kids will have a sigh of relief now they're in and hopefully can decrease the tutoring.

I would second everyone else and decide the school your child will be happy in, friends come and go.

Is the top choice secondary school a grammar or an indie Op?

How would you feel if you turned down the place and they went to wait list, and a couple of those friends went there after all?

The big unknown of starting any school is what the new classmates will be like, and whether friendships will carry over or new friends be made. and that applies to both schools.

I think you're letting yourself be way too heavily influenced by such a small data set. You really have no idea what the school's intake is like as a whole. Surely the older kids you know at the school are a better example of the sort of child the school creates, rather that what they start with?

That said, you sound weirdly judgmental about the other kids to be honest. It's as if you want your child to go to school with the popular kids and not the nerds. I don't think that's a great attitude.

It’s an indie. I don’t know of anyone on the waiting list. We will know about 50 going to the comprehensive. It’s not about nerd/popularity more about how prepared they are for life and the environment my child will be in.

Unless it's a teeny tiny school (in which case I'd suggest not going there) I can't see why 10 children are such an issue. Chances are your that your DC might not even encounter them at school if they are put in different classes. Even if he does, children change massively at secondary school. Presumably doing little other then workbooks is something they've been forced into by their parents rather than reflecting what their true interests might be?

I wouldn’t let your child choose. Children don’t have enough forethought or life experience to consider the broader issues and implications for their future. My mum let me pick my school and I picked a terrible one because I felt guilty asking for the extra bus fare to go to a better school that was further away.

You obviously chose that school because you thought was the best fit for your child. What was it that attracted you to this school?

Why don’t you visit it again to see whether you are still happy with it?

You will probably find that it does have a wide spectrum of kids.

I have to say I would caution rushing into anything. Waitlists etc will move and things could change. Is there an offer holders taster day or anything at the Indy that you could go to?

If it’s an indie and you’re in a position to send him there, then it is a no brainer Op. You know of so few children who are going and their intake is probably a few hundred. Lots of pupils get tutored to pass entrance exams so don’t let that put you off.

My experience on grammars is only based on the ones in my area. The boys who get in are very academic with this being their main focus. Whilst sport/music/drama etc are offered, they’re not known for it. The indies are also academic but offer a much broader range of extra curricular options and, therefore, tend to attract a wider range of applicants.

You obviously picked the school for a reason. Whilst it is important for your dc to feel involved in the process, ultimately you need to make the decision of what is best for him. Your dc can still socialise with his friends going to the local comp. He will, however, make lots of new friends.

Personally, I believe that the indie will offer a wider range of opportunities and pastoral care. There will be smaller class sizes, more clubs to join, better trips. Academics are important of course, but ultimately, it’s about your dc being happy and growing into a well-rounded individual.

We were in this exact position last yr - my daughter was offered a place at an independent school she loved as did we. We had applied for out of catchment state with our catchment school as third place state choice. We accepted the indie place and paid the deposit, March rolled round and she surprisingly got offered her first out of catchment choice. She then decided that was what she wanted. We talked around the subject endlessly and she didn't waver - she was very eloquent in her reasoning and we eventually agreed to allow her, her choice with the proviso that at the end of the first yr we would all reassess. However, we left it until the last possible moment to inform the schools. Are you able to give it a few weeks thinking time? FWIW she loves her school and in the main we are happy with it too. Would I still send her to the indie - yes but not at the expense of her being happy at school. I firmly believe that she will learn wherever she is and find her own way. We will still reassess in July though! Good luck!

"I wouldn’t let your child choose. Children don’t have enough forethought or life experience to consider the broader issues and implications for their future*
I agree.
By all means listen to what DC thinks, but the decision lies with the parents on which school offers the best for their DC.

I take a tutor group from y7-11. By Christmas of y7 most primary school friend groups have broadened and the children have more friends across the school. By y11 lots of the friendship groups have changed. I'd caution against making decisions based on 10 children your child may/may not be friends with.

I would listen to your child but don't let them make the decision on their own.

My dd started Y7 knowing no-one. The parents from the former primary put a huge amount of pressure on me for not choosing the same school as them (it was quite unusual). However within weeks of starting Secondary most old friends had found new friends and no longer hung out together.

My dd is now in Y10 and very happy.

When we were looking someone gave me the tip of looking at Sixth Formers and older students on Open days, talk to them. If they are the kind of people you'd be proud or happy for your child to be like them it's a reasonable choice. It's a blunt tool but I took notice of it.

Thank you. I’ve accepted the taster day - it will be really important - though I know some of the kids we know won’t be going which is a shame but also good to get a feel for the others. @Ilovewillow that is so reassuring to hear, thank you. I know we could accept (and pay the deposit) and wait all summer but I know that’s an agonising wait for those on the WL not to mention a waste of money. Thank you for all the advice. We will ‘sit on it’ for a couple of weeks and see what emerges.

To conclude this thread we will be happy to accept our local comprehensive school offer on Monday (fingers crossed I filled in the form correctly). Whilst we liked the indie alternative school yesterday we, and our child especially, felt the other children and parents weren’t for us. There was an uncomfortable amount of overt child benchmarking (pointless as they all deserved praise for having received such offers) and showing off about placing deposits - what felt like very insecure and unfair power-playing amongst the parents we want to keep our child free from. The children looked intimidated or intimidating. There is no way to know if our decision is correct or incorrect but I am fully in support of my child’s decision and feel fortunate to have had such great choices available close to us.

Is your child currently at a state primary? it seems unusual that so many of them would have even been hoping to go to the private secondary.

Yes. The other kids I referred to are from the same school and other local state and indie. There are quite a few from my child’s school going to indie single sex schools but that wasn’t a route we wanted to go down (though much more choice here in SW London for them). Considering private really isn’t unusual for state primary where we are though most are happy with our state comprehensive or single sex grammars as they’re great schools with bright kids.