Is it pointless for a middle-class child to go to Eton and the like?

[springisnear]

Of course there are many reasons for parents to choose a public school.

My question is more about the issue of class and whether your child can fit in in a top public school like Eton, Dulwich, Harrow, etc.

Some books said going to these schools may buy one a seat at the top table of British society - an entry to the world's most influential, richest families.

But if you are 'only a middle-class family', is it pointless as your child most likely will never be accepted as an 'insider' among the students there?

You need to do more research. How about reading their websites, for a start?

It depends on the child surely. One of mine would take it in her stride and fit in, another would end up with super low self esteem and MH issues. Horses for courses.

I imagine because their websites won't say "we'll take you if you can find the money but don't expect to get the advantage you're looking for if you're not really upper class"?

If it helps, I know a kid who's at Eton. I would say his parents are definitely middle-class. They have the money to send him there, of course, but they definitely aren't aristocrats/Sloane Rangers/posh.

DH went to a top public school and its given him many advantages as it made him ambitious, he had a great, broad education, exposure to interesting careers from an early age amazing resources etc however it's no longer the case that going to the 'right' school will open an old boy's network where you can walk into interviews.

You might get a work experience placement which could be interesting but it won't get you an actual career. The world today is too competitive people want the best person regardless of background.

Choose this school if you think it will be a good fit for your child and they'll be happy there. A good education is a amazing gift. Don't choose it because you think it will automatically open doors not available to others.

My brother went to a middling public school and I'd say it's left him with a bit of an inferiority complex and snobbish attitude towards the rest of his family. I imagine it depends on the child - perhaps it was already latent in him - but it's always felt like he's tried to keep up with the Joneses since then. He hasn't had a hugely successful career and is quite bitter about his perceived difficulties in life (he gets very angry about the concept of privilege). Like I said I'm sure this is not entirely down to his school but I do always wonder whether he might be different if he had been to a comprehensive or even a regular independent school.

Being surrounded by privileged children is a nice problem to have, I would say, a relatively small inconvenience to pay for all the opportunities that children are presented with there.

I think if you are paying for your child to get their feet under the top table of British society - you are wasting your money. ( I mean "one" not necessarily you OP. )

Firstly I would research as to how academic the schools in question happen to be, some get by on their past performance. I don't think Dulwich or Harrow are really that academic compared to St Pauls/Westminster/Sevenoaks.
Middle class children, in my experience are very well placed to mix with all the other children. Generally I have found,the more academic the school, the less backgrounds matter as such.
The parents all get along and share much of the same ambition for their children.
Again as other posters have said, It does depend on your child and picking the school that best suits their personality.

Why are some people so obsessed with class, how do you define class is the amount of money you have, who you mix with or your family background?

Does the name Catherine Middleton ring a bell, OP?

I suspect only someone whose perceptions are formed within the British class system would give the question in the OP much attention. The problems hinted at there don't cause the same sort of angst among parents of immigrants or parents from outside the country. Everyone's money is as good as everyone else's in other places.

Funny you put 'Dulwich' in the same category as Eton and Harrow. Dulwich is a great school, I've known lots of boys who went there from my school days and since. However it is mostly middle class parents who send their children there - though the children obviously have to be quite clever to get in.

Eton and Harrow have their fair share of middle class pupils as do St Paul's and St Paul's girls.

My husbands cousin was a scholarship boy at Eton. Lower middle class background. He's forged an amazing academic career doing something he loves. He's just a normal slightly eccentric man. I would say his experience was life changing and he's not regretful of it. He was there with the princes - different set entirely.

Eton has an extensive scholarship and bursary programme as do many / most of the top public schools. Of course there are many, many middle class children who attend. Your OP is very simplistic and I would suggest if you're considering it for your child then you should do some proper research.

It’s all about the child and their approach - whether they fit in is nothing to do with money or class
One of my DCs was in a boarding house with a bunch of trustafarians, and thought it would be a hoot to overplay his less extravagant background by pretending he was from a council house on a full bursary, he got wined and dined like a king by his mates (then spent months buying them pizza to atone after confessing) he is great great mates with all of them, and with people who were in reality on full bursaries. Another DC recalls that the people who had the worst time for ribbing were those who acted ‘entitled’ regardless of the level of wealth. Being poor or middle class mattered not a jot, but being entitled was unforgivable.

Ds goes to Eton. There are clearly lots of boys from wealthy families but over a fifth have financial support, including ds. He is absolutely totally loving it. There is more diversity than you’d think, and it’s a great school.

Ds knows people who went to named public schools - one at least on a 85% bursary - all pupils got on well. I think you would be surprised from your opening post as to just how much pupils just get on well if they have interests or sense of humour in common - but I hold to my opinion - do not chose a school because you think future privilege , more because they will have good teachers and school is able to keep said teachers and that is a benefit.

My parents aren't wealthy at all and my brother went to a school for highly privileged and very wealthy kids. He absolutely loved his time there and him and his school friends (who are now scattered around the world) are still extremely close, go on holidays together and constantly arrange meet ups. His friends are a great bunch of boys whose much more privileged background never stopped them from being great kids and super close friends with my brother.

It's very interesting to observe the "class" burden that many seem to be carrying when choosing schools for their DC. I do not think this is as relevant in today's society.

Surely the pertinent question here is boarding school vs. day school. Will the child relish boarding or is he better off living with family during high school?

Once that is answered, the next would be to find the school that is best suited to foster your DC interest & abilities to the best.

The rest will fall in place automatically.

My DD is friendly with quite a few boys who went to Harrow. It has been well publicised that they have a tremendous bursary system for less well of pupils and they have definitely had a bursary boy as Head Boy. Everyone has to sign up to the school rules and uniform. A few of DDs friends have pretty well off parents but several were not well off at all and had scholarships and bursaries. Don’t believe Harrow isn’t academic! It has many very bright boys who prefer it to Eton because it’s a lot smaller. I wouldn’t hesitate to send a boy there. However there are “preferential parents”, as in any public school, and these parents will be giving generously to the school. Heads House is also The House for boarding. The less well off benefit greatly though from the generosity of others and the education is available for all to make the most of. Grab it if you can.

It's very interesting to observe the "class" burden that many seem to be carrying when choosing schools for their DC. I do not think this is as relevant in today's society.

So so true! as a second generation immigrant we weren't even aware of this huge debate. Us and our friends just thought, "which school is the best school for our kids?" and that was it. Ds went to one of those schools, many friends have dc at Eton, Harrow etc, none of us were aware we've bought "a table to high society" . We still mix in the same old circles we used to, still have the same hobbies, we're very ordinary really. We rarely even saw the other parents anyway since the dc are all boarders. You get invites to school/family events but you participate as much as you want or don't want, as it were.

OP - there will be a range of dc at the school ranging from international royalty to dc on 100% bursaries. It depends on your dc's social skills and how they can relate to other people of all 'classes' and backgrounds.

You are correct. You haven’t bought a table into any society. Your DS will mix with the DS’s of a different society but perhaps one you are not familiar with. That doesn’t mean to say he will join it or even want to! It might reject him! You are right to choose the best school for your DS and forget about what others are doing. We did exactly the same.

My husband went to an academic public school of the type mentioned above. The other day, we happened to be driving past a big council estate in London. He suddenly had a flashback and said, 'Oh, I've just remembered, I went round to X's house after school there once'. Then he got a look of light dawning on his face and said 'Oh, he must have been on a bursary, I never realised that at the time'. We then had a chat about it, and he said money really wasn't an issue at school, certainly not in his circle of friends. Some went on the ski trips, some didn't (he didn't because he loathed skiing). I think kids are often less class aware than their parents.

I went to one of the schools mentioned above. Stuffed full (20 years ago) of middle class professional’s DC. All that mattered was that you were bright and interested in other people. I second PPs, pick a school that suits your DC and the rest will be fine.