Reluctant boarder - will this pass?

[winterfruit]

Hi all, I'd be grateful for your thoughts and advice.
I don't want to out myself or my DS so apologies for any vagueness. My DS (aged 12) has a 13+ boarding place at a well-regarded boys private school in South East England so would start Sept 2021.

He is currently at a very small all-boys prep school and last year did 2 nights per week boarding which he seemed to enjoy. However, this year he has got increasingly upset about boarding these two nights. I am getting really worried that he may not be suited to boarding but we haven't got a plan B. He did try for a couple of day schools last year (in Y6) but didn't get offers. He really likes the school he is due to go to in 2021 and says he thinks he will be fine to board then...he just doesn't want to do so now.

What do you think? Should we be thinking of other options?

Thanks again to all of you who have posted. Sorry for lack of replies today but I've had a busy day at work!

I really don't think there is any bullying going on or changes which he is struggling with. But I appreciate those of you who have said this could be an obvious cause of why he is not liking boarding now but will like at new school. I will gently pry again.

In terms of plan Bs, the new school does have 5 day houses alongside the 7 boarding houses so that is a possibility. But, as I said upthread, we would need to move for him to attend as a day pupil. I might contact the new school and ask about possibility of transferring from a boarding pupil to a day pupil.

I will also go in again and speak to the Head of DS' current prep to see what their thoughts are on the current situation and whether we need to consider options. Someone asked about state schools as a plan B at 13+ (year 9?) but the ones nearby are not great. I think I said earlier that DNiece was thriving at a well-regarded state comprehensive and I am feeling increasingly envious of this option; I just don't think our local options are as good.

I am also struck by @happygardening 's point about small prep schools being stifling. We loved the small size of the school because we felt it was nurturing when he joined but there are only about 20 boys per year so the options for diverse friendship groups are limited!

Surely if you can afford 7 years boarding, or moving to be nearer his prospective school, you could afford to move to be near a good state secondary? Or to be near enough to a private day school that he could have a social life outside of school? I'm not saying that you should do this things, but it seems strange to dismiss them as options on cost grounds.

In the short term, if you insist he keeps on boarding, he will eventually learn not to complain to you about it. Which may, or may not, solve your problem.

18 months is a long time isn't it?

I wouldn't allow his evident unhappiness to continue now just in case it might alleviate the possibility of unhappiness in 18 months time....

I agree with above poster. Your son is unhappy now. Currently he feels positive about boarding in his future school. Built on that relationship and move away from the issue now. Otherwise this continuing negative experience will undoubtedly start to feed into that positivity. There is no need to"get used " to boarding just because they will potentially board at a later date.

Haven’t read every post, so excuse me if I repeat advice already given...

Are you not able to approach the school he is due to start @13+ and see if the have a day position he could take with the view of taking up full board a term or two later. Or even a year later?

From your very first post, I guessed this school you were referring to and now I am sure. I was there yesterday with my son for the scholarship exam and my situation is a bit opposite to yours. My son pretty much broke down last night saying he wants to board (we want day), he's completely blown away by their boarding facilities and believes he won't benefit as much being a day student at the particular school. I think as your son grows older (and seeks independence), he may start to look favourably at boarding.

OP, this may not be what you want to hear but personally I wouldn't push or even encourage a child to board unless they were desperate to go.

I know many children thrive in boarding schools but there are also many others who don't and would really prefer not to board.

There must be a Plan B option even if that means a local state school. You've said you could possibly consider moving? Don't discount local schools simply by their apparent reputation - go and look round for yourself. If you aren't paying school fees, you could always pay for private tuition closer to GCSEs.

I agree that you should deal with your son't unhappiness now and try to get the bottom of the problem.

You've got the option of this boarding school for 18 months' time. But please do start looking into other options now in case your ds decides boarding is not for him.