Daughter struggling, mental health: keep at home, opt out of Mocks

[TheRoundTable]

My daughter has been struggling with her mental health and abhors school which she just started last August when we moved to a new area. She used to be so motivated and do really well but has always struggled socially and with her self image. I was very unwell for quite a while when she was little is why I believe she struggles with her mental health. I don’t know what to to do. She hates school so much and now struggles to eat or do anything. She is exhausted all the time and I can see it. She has told me sleeping doesn’t help it and I see that she tries to nap to help reduce the fatigue. She used to beg me every single morning to let her stay home until I told her it wasn’t happening. I had in the past, before we moved, kept her home for a few days so I was worried it might become a pattern. I try to listen to her vent and connect with her and it seems to help but I see that she may need professional help and she is seeing a therapist today. I see the hopelessness and it scares me. She is completely convinced that no one cares about her or wants her. She believes that the therapist will be doing “her job” rather than actually care. She is a perfectionist too and says everything is too much. Her grades are suffering and that then makes things worse because she cannot stand to fail so freezes and has a “block”. I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk to her school but the head of year says that they cannot help as there’s a long waiting list. She is terrified of Mocks as she is in Year 10. Please any questions or suggestions will be appreciated

HI OP, I didn't want to read and run.

Is there a mental health team for teens that you can get her referred to? I know you say she is seeing a therapist but with teen mental health a multidisciplinary team is usually preferred. You can only get this in the public system. Could you take your DD to the GP and get her referred to your local teen mental health team?

I am surprised at the school attitude - I would have expected them to have a person who could help you navigate this.

The school surely have a duty to help? Or call the Young Minds Charity for advice.

Thank you for the response and suggestion. I have booked a GP’s appointment for Wednesday. I had been worried that we wouldn’t be taken seriously and that “oh all teenagers are exhausted” and didn’t want her to feel further rejection. She has always put on a bold face, but I see that she is too exhausted and fed up to bother to keep up the pretence

@Lightsabre I have just called them but busy line. I will send an email. Thank you too for responding and the suggestion

The school will have seen this all before. Sadly, the head of year may be being truthful rather than thoughtless in their statement of the waiting list. I've experienced similar situations where I've not been able to support referrals to specialist services because a child's mental health wasn't enough of a crisis.

In terms of longer term, you may wish to consider:

• letting her know that mocks are a trial run. The point of mocks isn't to get your actual grade. It's a learning exercise to get a feel for the exams, see what mistakes are made and it helps teachers help students. I always stress this to my classes. In many respects I don't care if someone hits their target grade, because I want to know what they're good at and not so good at.
• she may benefit from support switching off from the almost inevitable whole year exam assemblies. In my experience when done wrong, the diligent students can worry too much and the lazy students don't care either way. If done well and your DD is feeling down then she might take even reasonable messages to heart.
• Try to have a designated point of contact with school. Usually the form tutor or head of year. You could agree to have a half termly/monthly update so the support network is in place to prevent issues rather than trying to stress later on.
• local mental health charities can be a great source of support
• some NHS Trusts have self-refer counselling services but I'm not sure how they dovetail with CAMHS provision. It might be something to ask at your GP.

@LolaSmiles thank you for your response and advice. I emailed the head of year again and I tried to be more open about what my daughter is dealing with. I realised that I was afraid of being the parent that makes the teachers groan when they see. I am quite surprised that she, the head of year, has taken this on board and I do feel like there will be some support for daughter now. She is the most helpful teaching staff I have ever come across to be honest.

So grateful to everyone who responded. Thank you so much

I fear letting her not do them will just increase her anxiety for the real thing. She is, like many teens, experiencing the fight or flight symptoms of dealing with something v stressful. I agree in that the school have probably seen this lots and it is v frustrating for them too. I would agree also with missing the assemblies of possible, they can be a real trigger for kids like your daughter.

So pleased you’ve had a more positive response from school! I’ve found arranging meetings face to face has worked so much better than phone or email.
She’s year 10 so mocks won’t be until Christmas time at the earliest. Is there a reason why this is stressing her? Or is this what she’s saying but it’s really the move?
It’s so hard isn’t it?!!

See your gp and ask for a camhs referral, though the camhs has a long waiting list and their threshold is high. Is there a cyp haven in your area, google it, its a drop in for teens. They have mh nurses, counsellors and advisers to talk too and offer practical advice.

There is also a teens text service called kooth, dd can text a counsellor and chat via text which may be beneficial.

I do hope that today goes well for you both

OP how are things going?

Former HOY here. Direct referrals from GPs or from families are quicker than school referrals. The GP will definitely refer to CAMHS given what you have told us. You could also read about Young Minds online.

Hope your GP helped when you saw them earlier in the week.

I’m sure units differ regionally but if you can afford it, I would go privately rather than through CAMHS. Quite honestly, our experience was that they were terrible. DD wasn’t sufficiently suffering enough for her to be of much interest basically!

youngminds.org.uk/blog/where-to-look-for-support-while-youre-on-the-camhs-waiting-list/

Have a look here

Thank you all for the responses, support and suggestions.

She gets stressed by a lot of things, not just the exams or mocks. She has been referred to the Wellbeing Team at the school now and has also started private therapy. The head of year was so so helpful. I think not withholding information about how bad things are helped. She said the school's exams officer will speak to dd to figure out what her fears are. She has also said they can move sitting so she sits in a corner or the back of the hall if the front or middle is overwhelming but GP has to write to recommend this.

I looked for CYP Haven and there is none in our area. Yes, I haven't heard a lot of good things about CAMHS either so I was hesitant to pursue it. I will however keep looking at Young Minds and Youth Information Service even if just to have in my back pocket as I do not want to overwhelm her.

I think probably CAMHS are best If there is ‘big’ issue - our experience is ten years old (oldest DD was struggling coming out, over eating and minor self harming) and we were essentially told to go away and bring her back when she was using knives rather than a safety pin! It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing with the private therapy and school involvement - good luck and remember that ‘normal’ is just a setting on the tumble dryer!