Dealing with the 'mean girls'

[TeenPlusTwenties]

DD2's (y10) self confidence is pretty low at the moment.
She finds school a struggle academically and is 'young' for her age. She has a small group of friends. She doesn't really have any 'strong' areas (so not academics, sport, music, art, drama).

One of the things that is getting her down is the steady drip drip of comments from the 'mean girls' (for want of a better term).
The trouble is, the things they say aren't reportable, they all have what I would call 'plausible deniability', it seems to be more the tone of voice / sarcasm. So things like 'nice coat' but in a sneery way?

She hasn't got the confidence nor quickness of brain for smart comebacks herself.

Any suggestions?

I have also got a Y10 and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it. My DD has a nice group of friends who avoid anyone like that, which works most of the time and if that’s not possible they just ignore them completely
One thing that we have found helps is that we take the piss out of them at home, we make up names for them and other to be honest quite mean things. Not very adult I know but the things we say aren’t things Dd would ever say to their faces but she’s found it helps to think “my mum was doing an impression of you last night” when faced by them. It’s a technique a professional suggested to us at Primary, the idea is to laugh at or pity them rather than fear them. Might be a bit controversial but it works for DD

I'm so sorry to read this. I feel for you, my DD (year 6) struggled with this for years, until this last year or so. She's 'pure of heart' and just wouldn't ever say something mean so struggled enormously to understand 'why' anyone would behave this way. We had lots of tears & sadness.. The mocking, sarcasm, put-downs etc eroded her daily.

I helped her overcome this by never allowing her to feel like she's a 'victim', building her confidence in other ways, and encouraging her to stand up for herself. I taught her a couple of quick come-backs (not mean but self validating ones along with actively ignoring). As her confidence built, and she used a couple of come-backs her confidence things got better slowly. It was very hard to counter the 'victim' mentality, I felt so mean myself at times, but it ended up being the best thing I did!

The tables have now completely turned and she finds herself confronting the ''meany' girls on behalf of others who now seem to be preferred 'bait by calling out their behavior.

Horrid as this type of thing is - girls will be girls and this doesn't necessarily change! It can be incredibly empowering to help them find their inner strength.

Unfortunately your dd will encounter such people all throughout her life so she needs to find a way of accepting some people are just arseholes who don't matter.

Let her know that it's usually really unhappy people who behave that way towards others because they're trying to make themselves feel more normal by making everyone around them just as miserable as they are. They're really sad, pathetic, oxygen thieves that nice people spend their lifetimes trying to navigate around.

Most importantly, THEY DO NOT MATTER. All that matters is how she feels about herself: is she proud of the person she is? Does she enjoy her life? Only her opinion of her matters, not theirs.

Thank you all for the tea and sympathy.

All that matters is how she feels about herself: is she proud of the person she is?
That's the crux - at the moment the answer is 'no' (though it should be 'yes' she is a really kind girl who tries hard despite various difficulties.

Year 10 was tricky, socially, for DD ( who is very much like your DD, from your description).
Hard to watch them get ground down by the sly comments ( I went through the same at the same age); all you can do is keep reassuring her that happy people have no need to resort to knocking other people, so the problem is very much theirs, not hers.

TeenPlusTwenties-
It doesn’t matter if a DD has a ‘strong’ area, is ‘confident’, or ‘has quickness of brain with comebacks’ the ‘Queen bees and wanna bees’ will always be dishing out daily comments glossed as ‘ plausible deniability’
Even the notion that by Yr10 they will have matured and will be focussing on GCSEs does not stop the daily emotionally draining stuff- glossed as you have described.
Sadly , It doesn’t stop at 6th form either nor at Uni, given the conversations I have had.
I would concentrate on ‘you can’t control what someone thinks of you, nor what they say (!) but you can control how it affects you.
It’s hard, as I have a DD who also does not see ‘who she is’

I agree Proggy . The trouble is DD can't control how it affects her at the moment. She isn't 'emotionally resilient' despite our best efforts.

Same here, Teen and If I’m honest I don’t think my DD will ever be ‘emotionally resilient’ as she is too trusting and caring- much more than me!
Having said that, I have seen a slight change this year and I’m keeping to the mantra.
That’s all we can do.

Oh they are just vile. Dd's confidence is just recovering at 21.

When I left school I began to recover and gain in confidence. I truly recovered at about 28 when I visited "home" and was served by fat and lumpy formerly super sporty queen bee. I was living in London with a good job and having the time of my life. I was such a drippy nerd in Y10.

I had this in year 10

Teethgrindwind you're so pretty
Teethgrindwind you should be a model

The thing is I was tall thin and relatively attractive, but not confident,very quiet. But it made me uncomfortable, I knew they were taking the piss. I generally just made a face and ignored them. They would laugh at me. Shits

I am also of the school of thought of ‘you’ll encounter tricky people all they way through life, the quicker you get your strategy sorted for dealing with these people, the better’. I’ve always found role-playing through scenarios with her quite useful - means she’s practised how to handle lots of different situations and responses so isn’t caught on the hop when they have a go at her.

I also wholeheartedly do what @Hoppinggreen does - we say all the rude and horrible things we’d like to say to them in the safety of our home and have a good laugh about how ridiculous they all are. Like the boggarts in Harry Potter - once you can laugh at them, the fear diminishes.

It’s shite but it’s a sad fact of teenage life - I can tell DD who the bitchy girls were 30yrs ago at my school and the behaviour is pretty much the same.

I think the snappy comeback is risky if it doesn't come naturally - it may not come out as it's intended to sound, and also the originator is quite likely then to reply, and up the ante! Sometimes the best advice is "keep away from them as much as possible, and otherwise ignore." Not ideal I know.

I see the plausible deniability problem, but wonder whether speaking to the Head of Year would help - though probably your dd would forbid you to do it!

Funnily enough a pp on another thread this evening was saying that keeping large groups of same-age teenagers together for long periods (5-7 yrs) might not be the best thing for them socially/emotionally (although educationally it is efficient, I suppose). The dynamics can be a real problem, and it feels bad to tell dteens sorry, nothing much can be done. I think it is different as an adult at work because there are (these days! perhaps not in the past) more constraints on open rudeness, and I don't think many adults go down the 'nice coat' route.

Can you find her an activity that boosts her confidence and independence. My Y11 DD has done various volunteering roles over the last couple of years (starting with the summer reading challenge at the local library). Suddenly she was being treated as a grown up (making her own arrangements, training, working alongside adults) , respected for making a positive contribution. I think it really helped build her resilience.

So my last post was maybe a bit defeatist, so here are some more positive suggestions! Would it be useful to explain to dd that in life it's so important never to let anyone else 'define you' or your self-worth? And I do tend to agree that dteens who are unkind may not be that happy, but may be trying to maintain their own position in a group (depressing to think you get rewarded by 'the herd' by being unkind to others! but maybe it's related to the need to show strength). Useful if your dd can hold on to that thought.

The other thing that can really help if having an interest outside school - it doesn't have to result in new friends, but just be something that your dd really enjoys and gets engrossed in. Is it worth discussing if there's anything she'd like to try?

Give her as many opportunities to feel proud of herself as possible.

If she's comfortable joining clubs she can do well at, that's great.

If not, do stuff at home: let her choose a day's activities for the family and all be sure to thank her when you have a great time; get her to plan a three course meal and then praise her when it tastes amazing; ask her to help you redecorate a room or re-organise some furniture - literally anything that she can be reapinsible for choosing/organising and you can praise her for.

My DD calls these girls "The toxics"

I also take the piss out of them at home- I can't believe it's an approved technique, I thought I was just being a bitch. It really does help DD see these girls aren't as big and clever as they would like people to think they are. Laughing at their Instagram pouts and poses is particularly cathartic.

DDs HoY has told her to report any unkind behaviour, but the constant scathing looks & "nice coat" comments are difficult to report, yet wearing. On the plus side the staff seem to never aware who are the mean girls are.

be, (not never)

Gosh, it’s good to know the technique we use works for others too.
It does sometimes feel a bit wrong being so nasty about teenagers ( albeit not to their faces) but my priority is DD and it really works for her
Like a PP says, once you demystify these girls and make them into sad, laughable characters they aren’t as scary anymore

Continued thanks.

She made bread last night (the kneading helps), and I mentioned Bogarts and Eating Slugs and Dementors this morning which at least raised a smile (thanks OhDearie ). DD spoke to pastoral care and they are going to ring me today hopefully.

You could look up "relational aggression" it's a real problem with approx 11-16 year olds.

I would also suggest for her confidence amzn.to/2Gauqep

there's a journal also that you might want to get.

I have this exact problem with DS yr 8.

I thought it was okay he has a small group of friends and a big sister who does look out for him.

However he recently turned down an opportunity- as it was based on pupil questionare about ambassors - and he thought people had put him down as a joke and we couldn't get him to reconsider.

I know exactly what you mean about comments as well - I've been around when a simple hello was made to feel anything but welcoming. I told DH said it sounds mad but he knew what I meant.

DD1 hasn't always found this smooth socially but we found Guides a huge help for her. DS hasn't had as much luck with Scoutes -lots of little things like after 3 year still not being added to contact group - make us feel like outsiders.

I've seen suggtions for Drama groups and did float a summer group to DS but he doesn't want to so felt pushing him was worse.

So I think if you can find an outside school group that interests her and is welcoming can make a massive improvement - but it's finding that.

I think I'm going to be encoraging his friends over in school holidays and try and seek opportunites further afield - possibly with one of his sisters as he's more likley to say yes.

I was hoping a school trip abroard would help -now I'm worried one of the worse kids for this may be going on it as well .

School not great either - with DD1 at same school I'd had four p/t meeting but I've only had one in same time frame and reports are just numbers with one ot two word comments about attitude towards work - so while I know he'd doing okay academically socially I only know what he and DD1 choose to tell me and that he's not in trouble with the school no detentions.

Are there any clubs/activities she would be happy to do where she would meet people that she is not at school with? (Doesn't have to be things she necessarily excels at, just something she enjoys)

When my DD was having a tough time with some of the girls at school it really helped that she had somewhere to go where she could have fun with people her own age without the 'mean girls' around.