At my wits end- homophobic bullying, what should we expect the school to do?

[L0gCab1n2]

Our son is in his GCSE year and had several years of bullying at his school. He has been dragged by his tie, pushed, called a faggot online, told he doesn’t deserve human rights, has to listen to boys saying being gay isn’t natural and is disgusting etc, etc. He says he is mocked most weeks. The school talks the talk(has done assemblies and arranged mentoring now and again)but it never seems to go away.

Our son has cut himself off from friends, doesn’t care about his future, can’t focus on work (causing his grades to drop), is very anxious, unhappy and full of self hatred.

Got weeks to wait for a gp appointment and getting hold of the school counsellor is a nightmare. He is bright and under achieving in most areas. He is having support lessons in school out side of class to get his grades where they should be. I am annoyed that the actions of others have caused this.

He is now saying he wants to drop out completely and there is no point doing GCSEs or going to uni as he doesn’t care about any of it. He insists he isn’t suicidal.

I feel the school should be doing something, but what? He drags himself in and puts on a brave face because we make him. I don’t want him to drop out or move him risking his education even more because it seems so unfair.

I can’t believe that in his day age a school can just carry on accommodating this. Is there anything we should expect them to be doing? What can we do to get it sorted? Are they under any obligation to make it stop?

Literally at our wits end. Doing everything at home to help him but really starting to struggle. Please advise.

Thank you all for that letter suggestion.

L0g Ds's school is also a grammar. They sound very similar environments although we did finally get support for his disability. I would email head tonight, they should hopefully reply tomorrow. At least you then know that you have followed the complaints procedure. Allabout's email is a good example.

Oops missed a post. I’d still move him then complain after. They are not going to change in time for him to be happy there.

This is horrendous I’m so sorry to read this. I’m a head of year and I can’t believe they are just brushing it off. I’d definitely be advising going to the head now

They will call you names, my brother,
but you will rise.
They will say you are less,
and it will be so hard to be more.
They will kick you and hit you
but all those bruises will heal.
And you shall rise

My brother, I have walked your path
You stand in the tear-soaked footprints of others
The echos of name calling
have already rung in a thousand ears,
but you will rise

The world is a wonderful place
A much bigger place that your often walked streets of fear and loathing.
These people will come to you in years to come
And you will perhaps forgive, but you will remember.
The future is yours
Hold the hands of those who have walked before you,
together, my precious brother, we will all rise.

xxx

Annoying as it is, please follow the complaints procedure.
Anything else will just get knocked back and set everything back.
As you have already done the form tutor and pastoral care/head of year
Write to to head
then the governors.

Set in writing what is happening, use terms like safeguarding, homophobic etc.

Give them a set date to come back to you, then escalate further.

AND you are not that parent.

All of this ^^

@L0gCab1n2 I am so sorry and have so much sympathy for you and your son. My DB is gay and though he wasn't even sure himself whilst at school, kids knew he was a little different and he had a tough time. Just from the other side, he somehow managed to keep his head down, got great grades, went to Oxbridge and is generally happy and excelling at life. He had found his place in the world. One day your son will too. In the meantime, I will be thinking of you, I hate that our schools are still like this Xxx

That poem is lovely, thank you all so much for your support.

Ds got his mental health support by being referred by MAST, his attendance at school had been terrible last year, he was living with his dad who was in hospital for nearly two months & school referred us to MAST. I know you can self refer to MAST.

Off to bed now. Didn’t sleep a wink last night and I’m shattered. Will update if any developments, kind of need a hand hold iykwim.

First of all, I do think that the school is in the wrong and I totally understand why you feel you shouldn't have to move your son.

However, it takes a long time to change a culture in a school. Even if from tomorrow, the school were 100% on every incident from tomorrow, with punishments for all offenders all the time, it is still unlikely that the school would magically become a pleasant place to be for your son.

Personally, I find it a bit concerning that teachers are allowing the in class discussion you've described. Is this a regular thing? Why is it coming up so often?

Go and look at the other schools. Look at your son sitting gcses independently. Look at all your options. Honestly, a RI school which is hot on this kind of thing or just doesn't have this culture is likely to be a much better environment for your son - people can and do get good grades from less than perfect schools.

Move him or let him finish GCSEs at home

Had a reasonable nights sleep and feeling a little more proactive.

We have no time to move. Ds adamant he won’t go to another school anyway and I can kind of see why. Starting a new school is tough at any time particularly so when you’re feeling vulnerable. Honestly don’t think it would help, would be incredibly hard to get him anywhere else anyway logistically with work anyway..Can’t do GCSEs at home as both work full time. Pulling him out and just leaving them to not sort the issue for another child also doesn’t seem right either and want to shout as loud as I can as far as I can iykwim. So angry.

That CAB link was helpful. Going to go through the schools complaints procedure over the weekend (as long and wordy as it is), will see what school come back with re our last email which I did feel was more forceful will then go up the next stage and so on. Spoke to ds and doing a lot at home to support his mental health, will have a long talk at the weekend to get his views to be sure( he’s a good kid), will also do research re private counselling and ways to fund a possible long term bill although it makes me slightly angry that we have to do this. Still 3 weeks re gp, maybe he will give good advice re help with this.

Had an email to say his phone got confiscated because he accidentally left it on and it went off in a lesson. Another to say he has an after school detention for chewing gum. Rules are rules and he’ll have to suck them up but it does seem ironic that they can be so proactive re gum but not homophobia.

In his defence gum was to avoid eating junk food as advice from school was junk food won’t help his mood and it apparently helps with his anxiety but I get he shouldn’t have had it. An after school detention couldn’t have come at a worse time though. Will be interested to know what punishment those that say being gay is gross and not deserving of human rights get.

I would check wiht the police - they might be supportive (which would be nice for you) or they might say the homophobia is not serious enough (though I would have thought homophobia is homophobia). There is also the issue of other boys not daring to come out. In a large comprehensive you would expect a few to be gay.

It doesn't have to be physical for it to be a police matter, your son is experiencing hate incidents and these are taken seriously by the police. Please at least talk to the police for advice.

You can also call Parentline on 0808 800 2222 - they have information about dealing with school bullying and specifically homophobic bullying. You could ask the school to display their poster too.

I agree that you need to pull out all the stops. This needs excalating NOW:

Head teacher
Chair of governors
Local authority (if it isn't an academy)
ofsted
Your MP

And the police