Allergy bullying at school

[jebthesheep]

Hi, First post so sorry if this is a poor effort.
DS1 preteen has some experience with bullying at school, nothing terrible, just name calling, thumping, tripping etc. When it got too much, I have complained - There have ALWAYS been repercussions from the instigators after they were told off - we've been through the loops (tell again, react again etc). Ended with DS1 getting tougher, sucking up/fighting back : never resolved by school. OK then not great but liveable.
DS1 now insists we do not report to the school because it's not worth it, he will stop telling us what is going on if we betray his trust on this. So we just listen and support, and tell him that if it ever gets too much we will pull him from school but we will respect his judgement as to how much he feels he can take.
His allergies are multiple and serious (Risk of anaphylaxis, epi pens, inhalers trips to A&E from school from Primary years)
So now : Big lad who's brand at school seems to be, he's in charge, if there is any thumping to be done - he'll be the one to do it. If anyone else tries to get in on the thumping action he'll sort them because that's his fun. Telling is highly punishable by him.
DS1 has taken a few slaps from him but then so has everyone else, so he doesn't feel that picked on. No bruises, just seems to be the big lads way of keeping folk in line.

So DS1 gets stuck next to big lad at lunch and his food is deliberately contaminated by big lad. There is no attempt to hide it from DS1 so no harm done apart from a missed lunch.
If I report it, I have no reason to believe that DS1 can be effectively protected and he will no longer trust me. I have read the Anti-Bullying policy and it sounds lovely, but real life experience at the school proves that theory and practice are not the same thing.
If this is driven undercover it is potentially life threatening. It only takes a single round of telling off/react and it could be game over – DS1 is on the frontline not me, if I could take that risk for him I would in a heartbeat.
WWYD? and has anyone any experience or know of Preteen/Teen Allergy support groups in the South East (or online nationwide) where he/I would be welcome. I have already tried a major online general allergy support groups and they were really nice but this area is not really part of what they do.

Help please, I need the Mumsnet hivemind to help me navigate this one.

your son will be at the least beaten and at worst have his food deliberately contaminated and face death
This is really serious and I’d remove my child from that situation regardless of the consequences. I agree with pp who said it’s attempted murder and should be taken very seriously with police involvement.

”nothing terrible, just name calling, thumping, tripping”

I was bullied at school from the age of 10 until I went to Sixth Form college. It was ‘just’ name calling - and it caused me to become so depressed that, in my mid teens, I was contemplating suicide - and that depression has blighted the rest of my life. I nearly 55, and I am still chronically clinically depressed - I am on two different antidepressants now, and will be for the rest of my life.

Don’t minimise bullying - all the things you mentioned can have very serious effects on the victim.

Take him out now before he comes to serious harm. Get in touch with the council and find out about other schools.

Kids have died because of this sort of behaviour, you can't minimise it. Contaminating his food is assault, and this is only going to get worse if you don't act now.

Write to the school, detail what has been done, and demand action. Every Thursday night there is a twitter group called AllergyHour - starts at 8:30. Join us next week. PM me for details if you like.

Hi
I’m sorry that my “nothing terrible” description of DS1’s experiences of non food related bullying have been hurtful for those who have experienced actions that could be described similarly.
To put the record straight: I don’t doubt for one moment that these kinds of actions can cause appalling psychological suffering for children and adults alike. The intensity, cruelty of the action and the victim’s sense of isolation will together with more other factors than I can list will be a unique torment for everyone exposed to these actions.
DS1’s experiences have been distressing for him and he has been really upset at times - as for me - I can’t count the nights sleep lost or the swings from despair to rage and back.
The “nothing terrible” was referring to the nature of his experience not being like some of the very worst excesses and to the intensity, cruelty and isolating effects of the acts not being at the extremes. I was really just trying to describe it in a detached way without being too dramatic or giving the impression that he was suffering in the worst way. It’s horrible, but not the worst and not unremitting and he is holding up well.
SDTG (and anyone else who found my choice of words painful) I’m so sorry to have hurt you - you didn’t deserve to be hurt then and you don’t now.

There is so much pain out there, this is so sad.
DS1 has been to school since this incident and has been sitting only with people he trusts - I know that i’ll be told off for this.
I have an appointment next week to ask for proper procedures for DS1 and all of the allergic children at the school to either have a safe eating space to use if there is no space near trusted friends or some equally effective measure if the school has some ideas.
Jeb

for you, @jellyjellyinmybelly - and a big hug. You didn’t upset me. I felt I needed to say what I did, but I didn’t want to make you feel bad.

Friends?

Christ - Contaminating his food with things he is seriously allergic to is poisoning. He cannot stay there...

As a parent of a child who is both being bullied, and has had some horrendous experiences with anaphylaxis, this makes me very sad. You need to wave a big red flag on this one I’m afraid.